Right well okay.... i stared writing and this happened.
Posted by bronwen wild on Tuesday, July 10, 2012
"dont!" she yelled helplessly.
"I have no choice. You now I don't."
"there's always a choice. don't give me this shit. theres Always a fucking choice Drew. sure one is harder, but theres always a choice." she sighed a long, heavy sigh. filled with only the angst a teenage girl knows.
"Then what would you have me do Tam? What the fuck am I supposed to do?"
" i dont know. and to be honest im starting to not care, or not want to care. i dont know okay. run away, dont run away, kill yourself, dont kill yourself, go with the girl, dont go with the girl, take the fucking job, dont take the job. in short. make your parents happy or dont. but dont cry to me if you decide the first choice and it turns out to be as bad as i know it will be."
"So what? I'm supposed to run off into the sunset with my best friend, her fucking camper van and £500 between us and just see how it goes?!" He was angry now, or very scared. Probably both she reasoned. His hair kept falling in his eyes and he kept batting it away, for it to just fall in his face again. Though what else can expect from a stereotypical emo fringe.
"well im leaving weather you're coming or not. this isnt about me you twat. its about you and weather you want to be happy or if you want to keep paying to live in your parents house asshat."
"Of course its about you! You're the one who brought this up! You're the one who told me I had a fucking choice. You're the one who'd I'd be throwing this all away for. And who I'd be leaving with." He took a deep breath to calm himself down. "We're only 18 Tamara. What happens if we dont find work? What happens if only one of us gets work? What about it we fall out, or if the dragon wagon ( her camper) dies. We'll barely be able to afford fule for the fucking thing!.. and dont! Just dont. I'm not 'just being negative', im being fucking practical. One of us has to be. you can't live in a fairytale world forever Tam."
"you think I live in a fairytale? you think i haven't thought this through. I've been planning my escape for 5 years. i've thought this through over and over accounting for everything. i even care for you enough that since the day we met you've been added into every plan. ever scenario. you think i didn't think about all that shit? that im just some dumb kid? you're not the only one losing everything by leaving. the only difference being i've already lost most of it. if you dont want to come thats fine. i only ever suggested it because you're my best friend and i have your back if you need me. but fine. stay. whatever. just quit bitching and get on with it. i've given you a way out. if you dont take it then i dont want to hear how miserable you are okay?"
"But I don't know what to do Tammy."
She reached out and hugged him. "of course you dont stupid boy."
"Then why are we fighting?"
"because my dear, where would we be without a little drama?"
Sighing he went to go sit by the river they'd stopped by.
"I'll miss it here" he looked around while pulling at the grass bu his feet.
"what do you mean? this place is like ten minutes fro-.... oh." she looked up to meet his gaze. "are you sure?"
"Oh now she wants my opinion" He laughed
Pushing him slightly"oh shut up idiot"
Extending his hand to her he pulled her up. "C'mon we've a lot to do before you can steal me away across the country"
"Hey Tammy?"
"yes idiot?"
"When you talk to people, like online, and in text of any form, or if you're just writing. Why is it always lower case?"
"no reason" she smiled. it was a fake smile of course. but a damn good one.
"You know I've been your best friend for four years right?" She nodded not paying attention to him and she tried to find her exit off the roundabout.
"so?" she finally asked.
"So" He sighed. I dont buy into fake smiles and your bullshit voice"
"i do Not have a bullshit voice"
"Ho there is was again"
"I swear to got I will crash this van"
"no you wont. It took you WAY too long to paint this thing for you to ever bring yourself to destroying it"
"god damn, true."
"So go on, you may as well tell me why."
"its a long story, and a depressing one"
"Oh goody those are my favorites."
"i hate you all the time, you know that?"
"All the time" He smiles at her.
"fuck you man, seriously. but right okay. you asked alright. so dont blame me when you're freaked out at how morbid and miserable your friend is. but right, so. im depressed right? and i hate myself. but its not just that. i feel like im not worth it. i feel like a lower case person. like thats all i am. im less than, im smaller, not as bold, not as important, not as useful, im a waste really. and so i use lower case to remind myself. because sometimes when you write, you can forget who you are, or can pretend to be someone else. but i dont deserve that. i'm nothing but lower case. and lying to myself or other people wont change that."
He stared at her without thinking. Knowing after four years of trying to tell her she wasn't fat, and she was pretty, and she was loved, and more than just by him in his own platonic way. that it was going to be useless to argue. But as all good best friends do, he did anyway.
" You're a daft bitch sometimes you know that Tammy? You're one of the most uppercase people I know! You have a van with the most beautiful and amazing paintings on it of dragons i've ever seen, never mind that they are ya know, ON A VAN! You're hair is fucking stunning even though you cover it up with wigs because you like short hair but dont want to cut your long hair off. You have the most amazing, crazy and wonderfully subtle yet in your face clothing styles Ive ever seen, You don't wear makeup yet you always look perfet and my god, you are one of the kindest, wittiest, smartest people I know, if not the most clever, funny and kind person I know." Pausing to take a breath, he than added. "Tamara, if you're lower case, what dose that make me?"
somewhere along his rant tamara had pulled over, and she was now staring straight ahead refusing to look at him. "Tam-
"Don't alright. I've heard the speech. I know it well by now. Just-
"Shut up Tammy." He said it softly but she knew it was an order. He reached over and brushed a tear from her eye. She hadn't even noticed she was crying.
"I have no choice. You now I don't."
"there's always a choice. don't give me this shit. theres Always a fucking choice Drew. sure one is harder, but theres always a choice." she sighed a long, heavy sigh. filled with only the angst a teenage girl knows.
"Then what would you have me do Tam? What the fuck am I supposed to do?"
" i dont know. and to be honest im starting to not care, or not want to care. i dont know okay. run away, dont run away, kill yourself, dont kill yourself, go with the girl, dont go with the girl, take the fucking job, dont take the job. in short. make your parents happy or dont. but dont cry to me if you decide the first choice and it turns out to be as bad as i know it will be."
"So what? I'm supposed to run off into the sunset with my best friend, her fucking camper van and £500 between us and just see how it goes?!" He was angry now, or very scared. Probably both she reasoned. His hair kept falling in his eyes and he kept batting it away, for it to just fall in his face again. Though what else can expect from a stereotypical emo fringe.
"well im leaving weather you're coming or not. this isnt about me you twat. its about you and weather you want to be happy or if you want to keep paying to live in your parents house asshat."
"Of course its about you! You're the one who brought this up! You're the one who told me I had a fucking choice. You're the one who'd I'd be throwing this all away for. And who I'd be leaving with." He took a deep breath to calm himself down. "We're only 18 Tamara. What happens if we dont find work? What happens if only one of us gets work? What about it we fall out, or if the dragon wagon ( her camper) dies. We'll barely be able to afford fule for the fucking thing!.. and dont! Just dont. I'm not 'just being negative', im being fucking practical. One of us has to be. you can't live in a fairytale world forever Tam."
"you think I live in a fairytale? you think i haven't thought this through. I've been planning my escape for 5 years. i've thought this through over and over accounting for everything. i even care for you enough that since the day we met you've been added into every plan. ever scenario. you think i didn't think about all that shit? that im just some dumb kid? you're not the only one losing everything by leaving. the only difference being i've already lost most of it. if you dont want to come thats fine. i only ever suggested it because you're my best friend and i have your back if you need me. but fine. stay. whatever. just quit bitching and get on with it. i've given you a way out. if you dont take it then i dont want to hear how miserable you are okay?"
"But I don't know what to do Tammy."
She reached out and hugged him. "of course you dont stupid boy."
"Then why are we fighting?"
"because my dear, where would we be without a little drama?"
Sighing he went to go sit by the river they'd stopped by.
"I'll miss it here" he looked around while pulling at the grass bu his feet.
"what do you mean? this place is like ten minutes fro-.... oh." she looked up to meet his gaze. "are you sure?"
"Oh now she wants my opinion" He laughed
Pushing him slightly"oh shut up idiot"
Extending his hand to her he pulled her up. "C'mon we've a lot to do before you can steal me away across the country"
"Hey Tammy?"
"yes idiot?"
"When you talk to people, like online, and in text of any form, or if you're just writing. Why is it always lower case?"
"no reason" she smiled. it was a fake smile of course. but a damn good one.
"You know I've been your best friend for four years right?" She nodded not paying attention to him and she tried to find her exit off the roundabout.
"so?" she finally asked.
"So" He sighed. I dont buy into fake smiles and your bullshit voice"
"i do Not have a bullshit voice"
"Ho there is was again"
"I swear to got I will crash this van"
"no you wont. It took you WAY too long to paint this thing for you to ever bring yourself to destroying it"
"god damn, true."
"So go on, you may as well tell me why."
"its a long story, and a depressing one"
"Oh goody those are my favorites."
"i hate you all the time, you know that?"
"All the time" He smiles at her.
"fuck you man, seriously. but right okay. you asked alright. so dont blame me when you're freaked out at how morbid and miserable your friend is. but right, so. im depressed right? and i hate myself. but its not just that. i feel like im not worth it. i feel like a lower case person. like thats all i am. im less than, im smaller, not as bold, not as important, not as useful, im a waste really. and so i use lower case to remind myself. because sometimes when you write, you can forget who you are, or can pretend to be someone else. but i dont deserve that. i'm nothing but lower case. and lying to myself or other people wont change that."
He stared at her without thinking. Knowing after four years of trying to tell her she wasn't fat, and she was pretty, and she was loved, and more than just by him in his own platonic way. that it was going to be useless to argue. But as all good best friends do, he did anyway.
" You're a daft bitch sometimes you know that Tammy? You're one of the most uppercase people I know! You have a van with the most beautiful and amazing paintings on it of dragons i've ever seen, never mind that they are ya know, ON A VAN! You're hair is fucking stunning even though you cover it up with wigs because you like short hair but dont want to cut your long hair off. You have the most amazing, crazy and wonderfully subtle yet in your face clothing styles Ive ever seen, You don't wear makeup yet you always look perfet and my god, you are one of the kindest, wittiest, smartest people I know, if not the most clever, funny and kind person I know." Pausing to take a breath, he than added. "Tamara, if you're lower case, what dose that make me?"
somewhere along his rant tamara had pulled over, and she was now staring straight ahead refusing to look at him. "Tam-
"Don't alright. I've heard the speech. I know it well by now. Just-
"Shut up Tammy." He said it softly but she knew it was an order. He reached over and brushed a tear from her eye. She hadn't even noticed she was crying.
