writing-stuffs

you

Tue, 11 Nov 2014 01:19:58 +0100

have i told you that your voice makes my heart skip
that every word has me in a fever pitch
you sneak into my brain and take over my veins
you are my first beautiful obsession

like clockwork i can promise you are always on my mind
thick thoughts, heavy hearts, not enough time
im a fool in love but im not fool enough
or maybe too much to hope that you will stay

miles taste like hours and hours feel like barriers
an endless tide of distance covered in internet
lay waste to forgetfulness and tongues too tied
i am always amazed with your patience

A thought on life

Sun, 21 Sep 2014 19:46:06 +0100

I would like to sit and question my own existentialism
am i myself the limit of my own stars
could i in fact paint with these tired fingertips
if only i had the paint in my mind
would it change a fate to believe there is no such thing as failure
would my back not break under bricks so heavy
if i tell myself they are imaginary
maybe these endless trials will be left to more savory tastes
if i were to act like life were sweet
who could say if this mortal coil is only filled with endless toil
due to this singular inevitable screw up i have deigned to call life
so perhaps if i were to let my shadows fall to my feet
kiss lullabies and sleepless nights on the same cheek
I would find myself in simpler times
where i wouldn't fuck this up
because that was never even an option

I wrote a love poem

Thu, 18 Sep 2014 02:18:48 +0100

the night was all they ever had. long days filled with long hours and endless minutes all dragging slowly on until they finally meet their evening reprieve. Too late for big words or big places or slow actions. Everything was haste as light crept up their backs and into their eyelashes stealing last kisses and last goodbyes for the next time like a tide that came in too fast. their love the sand castle not yet done and the child who weeps bitter tears, their mother promising them they can build a new one. But they dont want a new one they want that one, that one was good. it was strong and it was theirs. they do not want one with bigger towers or stronger walls, they do not a bigger moat and prettier shells to adorn it or the biggest flag or for it to be further from the sea. they just want that one but it was simply not to be.

Their love was candid at best. all pretty smiles and simple lies and places best kept a secret. Some would call it early morning walks of shame while many would see the tired lines of history that claim this walk a victory. Stolen minutes and broken kisses sit at the bottom of their wish lists forgone by the most foolish of ambitions and a vision that they could of course do better. Because we are all the screaming child wailing in the toy aisle while our mother tries to reason that we already have enough and simply cant quite afford to by more. But enough is not enough until theres simply nothing left.

Day break, day light, sunshine, pours blinding in through every crack crevice and hole, gaping in like some unwanted visitor it never has the decency to wait at the door. Their time was always not now, in a minute, next time, promises. Always busy, crumbling forgetfulness. rushed good-nights and empty good mornings, greet, retreat and repeat theres no honesty when theres no love. boring meals with boring company, always going never staying. Like children they hold grudges hold breaths hold parties ignoring the mother just trying to make them happy. They are dropped ice cream tantrums and smashed mirror arguments. Never listening to the others words just a gap long enough in sentence to give their few pence but now theres nothing left because there never really was any use in this pretense.

They kiss just like starlight, blinding and intense. They hold each other like gravity hugs the earth, holding each other so close, even when faced by forces stronger than their own. They love just like a child. Not quite as innocent as the seem, but filled with wonder and magic and the bravery to dream. Many call them foolish and say this love wont last but they create their own light save relying on the solidity of the past. Burning bright they break through the darkness like an infinite night light, keeping at bay the monsters and the dreaded bleak, black doom. Like children they trust and so their love does bloom.

Of stardust and love and everything inbetween

Thu, 04 Sep 2014 14:44:57 +0100

If we are all made of stardust,
Are we two parts of one star?
Born to this world in flame and starlight?
What if these old bones
That hold me closer to you
Were once infinite and endless,
Mere specks of dust floating in the universe
Until they met you?
What if the spark in your eyes
Is the flame of a million skylines
From past worlds and past stars
That you've been a part of?
What if this red string of fate
Is a burning supernova
Bursting at the core of our existence?
What if after all this time
We were always going to meet?
Like air I search you out,
Knowing I need you to breathe?
What if after all these lifetimes
Of endless beauty
You still decided to choose me?
What if we were born so very long ago
Before language existed
Long before anyone knows.
What if we've seen planets fall
While empires rise
And buildings turn rust?
What if one day we return to the night?
Could we once again
Become stars to shine so bright?

For Eunb ~

Thu, 11 Sep 2014 22:06:49 +0100

Rest safely oh weary traveler
Lay your head on my bed of flowers
Rest your feet in my meadow of warm grass.
I will be your comfort and you savior
I will hold you so this too will pass.
Do not fear this falling rain
This heavy lamp light
And the gravity that spins around us.
You are safe in my most kingly of arms,
Nothing on earth could destroy this sanctuary
Or cause you bodily harm.
Do not fear sweet angel this depleting road
We're just taking a different route.
Put your hands in mine and hold on so very tight,
Who knows when we'll meet here next.
You wear your smile so bright
As we walk away under the solemn moonlight
And it's okay because one day everyone says goodbye.

I like this one. It seems it is still true that the more mentally unstable I am the more I like ...

Wed, 07 May 2014 18:46:32 +0100

"Dont leave me" She said
"I can't take it" she said.
"Help me" She said.
"I'm fine" she said.
"Save me" she said.
"Don't worry about me" she said.
"Foret about me" she said.
"I'm scared" she said.
"I'm sorry" she said.
"Goodbye" she wrote.

Cries go unanswered.
Whispers are ingored.
Pleas are forgotten
Because actions speak louder than words.

Red runs deep like blossems
Metal tastes like broken dreams
when all you touch is empty
and every silence screams

Hold me close in weary arms
say prayers and talk whispers
No god can hear your wishes
no cleaner can take out these stains

Stay close in times of comfort
Keep eachother warm with lies
feel better for doing nothing
It's not every day that someone dies

Wash the screts from my bed sheets
rub the heart ache from my sleeves
hang the pain of my numbered years
out on the line to dry

Do not weep
Do not lie
Do not regret
Do not appologise

If my life were as cheap as your talk
If you meant a single word
what a thing the is power to reminisce
And to choose to forget it all

Do not say I was loved
And so not say I was wrong
Do not say I am missed
And do not say I was too young

Once the floor is stained
And the damage is done
you are about a week too late
And your words mean nothing to everyone

So do not stand at my gave and weep
you were never there
You mean nothing to me.

two small drabbles ooff the tooop of my head

Wed, 07 May 2014 18:48:10 +0100

Blood
Its soothing really. when she thinks about it.
Running down her arms in a uniform red line
coating her fingers and staining her pale skin
and oh how it washes away
leaving vapor trails in her mind of the way the red seems to invade everything
Sometimes she thinks its the only part of her truly alive
its the only part that can make an impact anyway
no one will notice the stain of memories
or the clash of waisted breath on tired cries
but the raw red rush of 2 am fuck ups
is harder to ignore
the sign on her door that reads "kill me"
is a sign of her angst never taken literally
such a shame she thinks that they could never see the beauty
of hot, fresh and stingingly honest razor blade appologies shes made to herself
this life, she thinks, its fleeting, not staying still for a moment
but iim stuck in this place in my mind with this blood stuck in my viens
when surly, obviously its dieing, just as she is, to get out

It calls to me.
the sweet light bliss of nothingness.
because thats what it is.
The univerise is too indiferent to everything fucking else for this to not be it
but these assholes who i consider to love will insist
that i remain in this hell i live
because they do not understand what i would give
to simply, not be here.

Right well okay.... i stared writing and this happened.

Fri, 08 Nov 2013 19:16:54 +0100

"dont!" she yelled helplessly.
"I have no choice. You now I don't."
"there's always a choice. don't give me this shit. theres Always a fucking choice Drew. sure one is harder, but theres always a choice." she sighed a long, heavy sigh. filled with only the angst a teenage girl knows.
"Then what would you have me do Tam? What the fuck am I supposed to do?"
" i dont know. and to be honest im starting to not care, or not want to care. i dont know okay. run away, dont run away, kill yourself, dont kill yourself, go with the girl, dont go with the girl, take the fucking job, dont take the job. in short. make your parents happy or dont. but dont cry to me if you decide the first choice and it turns out to be as bad as i know it will be."
"So what? I'm supposed to run off into the sunset with my best friend, her fucking camper van and £500 between us and just see how it goes?!" He was angry now, or very scared. Probably both she reasoned. His hair kept falling in his eyes and he kept batting it away, for it to just fall in his face again. Though what else can expect from a stereotypical emo fringe.
"well im leaving weather you're coming or not. this isnt about me you twat. its about you and weather you want to be happy or if you want to keep paying to live in your parents house asshat."
"Of course its about you! You're the one who brought this up! You're the one who told me I had a fucking choice. You're the one who'd I'd be throwing this all away for. And who I'd be leaving with." He took a deep breath to calm himself down. "We're only 18 Tamara. What happens if we dont find work? What happens if only one of us gets work? What about it we fall out, or if the dragon wagon ( her camper) dies. We'll barely be able to afford fule for the fucking thing!.. and dont! Just dont. I'm not 'just being negative', im being fucking practical. One of us has to be. you can't live in a fairytale world forever Tam."
"you think I live in a fairytale? you think i haven't thought this through. I've been planning my escape for 5 years. i've thought this through over and over accounting for everything. i even care for you enough that since the day we met you've been added into every plan. ever scenario. you think i didn't think about all that shit? that im just some dumb kid? you're not the only one losing everything by leaving. the only difference being i've already lost most of it. if you dont want to come thats fine. i only ever suggested it because you're my best friend and i have your back if you need me. but fine. stay. whatever. just quit bitching and get on with it. i've given you a way out. if you dont take it then i dont want to hear how miserable you are okay?"
"But I don't know what to do Tammy."
She reached out and hugged him. "of course you dont stupid boy."
"Then why are we fighting?"
"because my dear, where would we be without a little drama?"
Sighing he went to go sit by the river they'd stopped by.
"I'll miss it here" he looked around while pulling at the grass bu his feet.
"what do you mean? this place is like ten minutes fro-.... oh." she looked up to meet his gaze. "are you sure?"
"Oh now she wants my opinion" He laughed
Pushing him slightly"oh shut up idiot"
Extending his hand to her he pulled her up. "C'mon we've a lot to do before you can steal me away across the country"

"Hey Tammy?"
"yes idiot?"
"When you talk to people, like online, and in text of any form, or if you're just writing. Why is it always lower case?"
"no reason" she smiled. it was a fake smile of course. but a damn good one.
"You know I've been your best friend for four years right?" She nodded not paying attention to him and she tried to find her exit off the roundabout.
"so?" she finally asked.
"So" He sighed. I dont buy into fake smiles and your bullshit voice"
"i do Not have a bullshit voice"
"Ho there is was again"
"I swear to got I will crash this van"
"no you wont. It took you WAY too long to paint this thing for you to ever bring yourself to destroying it"
"god damn, true."
"So go on, you may as well tell me why."
"its a long story, and a depressing one"
"Oh goody those are my favorites."
"i hate you all the time, you know that?"
"All the time" He smiles at her.
"fuck you man, seriously. but right okay. you asked alright. so dont blame me when you're freaked out at how morbid and miserable your friend is. but right, so. im depressed right? and i hate myself. but its not just that. i feel like im not worth it. i feel like a lower case person. like thats all i am. im less than, im smaller, not as bold, not as important, not as useful, im a waste really. and so i use lower case to remind myself. because sometimes when you write, you can forget who you are, or can pretend to be someone else. but i dont deserve that. i'm nothing but lower case. and lying to myself or other people wont change that."
He stared at her without thinking. Knowing after four years of trying to tell her she wasn't fat, and she was pretty, and she was loved, and more than just by him in his own platonic way. that it was going to be useless to argue. But as all good best friends do, he did anyway.
" You're a daft bitch sometimes you know that Tammy? You're one of the most uppercase people I know! You have a van with the most beautiful and amazing paintings on it of dragons i've ever seen, never mind that they are ya know, ON A VAN! You're hair is fucking stunning even though you cover it up with wigs because you like short hair but dont want to cut your long hair off. You have the most amazing, crazy and wonderfully subtle yet in your face clothing styles Ive ever seen, You don't wear makeup yet you always look perfet and my god, you are one of the kindest, wittiest, smartest people I know, if not the most clever, funny and kind person I know." Pausing to take a breath, he than added. "Tamara, if you're lower case, what dose that make me?"
somewhere along his rant tamara had pulled over, and she was now staring straight ahead refusing to look at him. "Tam-
"Don't alright. I've heard the speech. I know it well by now. Just-
"Shut up Tammy." He said it softly but she knew it was an order. He reached over and brushed a tear from her eye. She hadn't even noticed she was crying.

I wrote a song.

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 00:20:28 +0100

Okay so im fucking miserable and dont know why
but I wrote this song
and Im kinda proud of it
it may sound a bit odd since well one, its based on TFIOS (big shock there ahaha) And two well I actually wrote the piano first and then thought of the words
Which is why it works better i think
well I like it better than anything else i've written
Still utter shite
but ya know

Okay

Hazel Grace
it would have been my
privilege to be
heart broken by you

Our little infinity together
wont last forever
so read to me
as i fall asleep

Any attempt to save me from you will fail

hazel grace
it would have been my privilege
to be heart broken by you

Its a metaphore you see
you put the killing thing between your teeth
but thats the trouble with pain
always demanding to be felt

I fell in love the way you fall asleep
slowly then all at once

Hazel grace
it would have been my privilege to be
heart broken by you

So read to me
as I fall asleep
the risen sun too bright
in her loosing
eye

Any attempt to save me from you will fail.

(then if im in the mood I add a final Hazel grace ect...)

ta daaa
my song xD
Its pretty much just bits from the book smashed together to mke no sense with kinda pretty piano music
but Oh well
Writing this out has calmed me down
I think I should do some writing
.

I love how my wirting is best when its really fucking morbid

Wed, 07 May 2014 18:49:50 +0100

Drip
Rip
Slash
Ache
Searing
Burning
Red.

Cold. she looked up. she knew where she was. But wished she wasn't. Her arm ached. Now that she thought about it her hole body ached.
Her hands felt stiff. Like there was something stuck to them. And of course. There was.
Half awake, her head spinning she noticed first her legs. The blood had dried by now smeared all down her left thy and calf. And there among the thirty or so new deep cuts to her leg lay the words that so often filled her mind.
"No one would miss you. No one cares"
The words aren't as deep
Because they hold hurt no amount of cutting will ever match.
the deep hollow kind.
She remembers doing it all
and feel so empty
so indifferent
she hadn't passed out.
Nor had she just awoken.
Well not in the sense you think
She had simply awoken from the dull, numb mindless state of self hate and worthlessness she falls into when she cuts.
And now shes back, and is aware of whats shes done. she stares.
simply not caring anymore
And falls asleep. tears she didnt even know she had shed, sticking her face to the bed. for she hadn't even bothered to adjust herself so that she was in the bed properly. she just lay where she sat.

and yes in time people will see her scars.
But they will never know her deepest secret
That underneath how much she hates her scars. And how much she regrets them.
she thinks they're beautiful. and doesn't regret a single one not really, not ever.