zxcf nm,
Posted by bronwen wild on Friday, April 19, 2013
You know. It doesn't surprise me that no one sees or cares how un-okay I am anymore. I mean if history is anything to go by im pretty good at hiding it... I dont even mean to. I just... around people I transform.. Even if im falling apart and the person next to me notices, I'll smile and tell them im fine before I even realize I've spoken. but as quick as it came the smile dies. So no, I dont "wear a mask" like many a dramatic 13 year old including me would say.... I more.... I dont really know.
I guess its self preservation?
Dont let 'em see you weak.. you know?
I dont
I just know I cant tell people im not okay.
and even if people notice I have to really trust them and believe they really do want to know before I wont just shrug it off with "im fine" and a smile.
I dont even mean to do it.
Quite often I hate myself
because I need help
I need someone to know
But the lies come out faster than my brain can react, Like my knee jerk reaction to reject the offer of food.
No wonder I got so thin the summer mum was in hospital... for two months I ate like... one? if that full meal every .. two days? not because I wasn't hungry exactly, but because everytime I was offered food at di's (where I was staying) I declined. they practically had to force feed me.
And im the same with telling people how I am.
Declining the offer of help, of finally saying "no im not okay" comes far quicker than the rational part of my brain
I wish I could change that, because Im getting kind of worried about me.
I wrote my note tonight.
And although nothing is in place
It seems quite likely that I'll make use of it.
its my best yet imo
My chest hurts and I should be sleeping, but im scared to wake up
I've gone on waaaaay too long
but in my defense this is the only place/ person I have to talk to.
and my head never shuts up
you know the other day, I think I mentioned it, back in cornwall, when I had my breakdown...
I sat crying, hugging my knees, rocking slowly with my head between my knees, with my hands clenched in my hair, begging for my head to just "shut up" and for it to "go away" and I realized I may actually be crazy.
I just want my head to shut up and I just want it to go away. Not just my thoughts, but my anxiety. Im tired of feeling sick and scared all the time. Im tired of my belly being all squiffle-ie and my heart racing as my chest tightens and my hands shake while I forget how to breath and my head goes all foggy and I feel like I want to cry and run away and die and punch something. but I cant so I have to make do with digging my nails into my skin or counting to fucking ten. I just want it to go away.
I want to be okay, I want someone to care
But if I cant have those I want to die.
So as you can see, the note is going to be handy.
night yola xxx
I guess its self preservation?
Dont let 'em see you weak.. you know?
I dont
I just know I cant tell people im not okay.
and even if people notice I have to really trust them and believe they really do want to know before I wont just shrug it off with "im fine" and a smile.
I dont even mean to do it.
Quite often I hate myself
because I need help
I need someone to know
But the lies come out faster than my brain can react, Like my knee jerk reaction to reject the offer of food.
No wonder I got so thin the summer mum was in hospital... for two months I ate like... one? if that full meal every .. two days? not because I wasn't hungry exactly, but because everytime I was offered food at di's (where I was staying) I declined. they practically had to force feed me.
And im the same with telling people how I am.
Declining the offer of help, of finally saying "no im not okay" comes far quicker than the rational part of my brain
I wish I could change that, because Im getting kind of worried about me.
I wrote my note tonight.
And although nothing is in place
It seems quite likely that I'll make use of it.
its my best yet imo
My chest hurts and I should be sleeping, but im scared to wake up
I've gone on waaaaay too long
but in my defense this is the only place/ person I have to talk to.
and my head never shuts up
you know the other day, I think I mentioned it, back in cornwall, when I had my breakdown...
I sat crying, hugging my knees, rocking slowly with my head between my knees, with my hands clenched in my hair, begging for my head to just "shut up" and for it to "go away" and I realized I may actually be crazy.
I just want my head to shut up and I just want it to go away. Not just my thoughts, but my anxiety. Im tired of feeling sick and scared all the time. Im tired of my belly being all squiffle-ie and my heart racing as my chest tightens and my hands shake while I forget how to breath and my head goes all foggy and I feel like I want to cry and run away and die and punch something. but I cant so I have to make do with digging my nails into my skin or counting to fucking ten. I just want it to go away.
I want to be okay, I want someone to care
But if I cant have those I want to die.
So as you can see, the note is going to be handy.
night yola xxx
