H-Hi yola... so yeah.. I left. But you see this thing happened where everything fell apart. And im not doing so well. I mean like instead of even thinking about it I'm taking too many pain killers each time.. Like four too many. But I havent cut yet.. Mostly cause on monday I was with Dylan and he just kept looking at my arm... It looks so bad... They're over 5 weeks old... I messed up a lot with them. And he looked so worried and sad. I wanted to take them back. Just make it okay again. So cutting hasnt happened yet. But then im always in pain anyway. And its like Im so lost. Jake had his heart broken on tuesday and I couldn't thiink of a single thing to tell him. He was going through the EXACT same bullshit I was and I couldn't help him. Thats what I do! What use am I if I cant even do that anymore?? Hes one of my best friends... I should have been able to make things better for him. But I couldn't.
I feel so lost and alone. The one thing in my life that made me feel needed/wanted/useful and well worth while left me. and basically said I dont give a fuck that you were going to kill yourself because of this, this is happening and I dont care about you anymore. I saved his life! MORE THAN ONCE! Sure he saved mine. But he was the reason I cut more! He was an ass and a crap boyfriend. But I loved him and I thought he loved me too.
Im starting to feel unloveable. Maybe I'm just meant to be the friend. cause every relationship I've been in has ended in SHIT and heartbreak for me but the friendship was perfect. Enriko(adam) Jake and then Nick (oh god thts the first time i've said his name in 5 weeks....) all the same. And all of them were my best friends.. Hell me and jake are friends now.
But what if it is me? what if im unlovable ?
I mean who would love me anyway?
Im a fugly twat with no friends and an a failure.
When He left me I officially lost everything.
And I dont think im going to get any of it back
Not my sanity not my friends and certainly not my want to be alive.
I'm not really even sure how im still here
Im so numb it doesnt even feel real
Its like losing mum all over again.. cause he was all I had back them. I clung to him and he kept me sane and alive and gave me hope and love.
But now hes gone and so is my hope and everything else. And so im right back where I was when I lost her
But now I have no one to talk to.
And its just like NOTHING can ever just be okay. Or go how it should
Like its been a year and a half but still no probate back. NO MONEY. WE'RE SO FUCKING BROKE! We're nearly out of the emergency money. There was 5 grand. Theres less than 800 now. when that runs out we have nothing.
And im failing school...and I dont think next year will be much better unless my depression and belly is cured (not fucking likely)
And Padi is depressed, like worse than ever.
And no one sees it. in either of us
Cause we hide it
We only see it in each other cause we're the same
 But I just cant do it anymore. Things are hard. And im tired of things being hard.
I just want to be a teenager.
I want to have friends and get drunk and revise for tests
NORMAL STUFF I want to worry about shoes and makeup not mortgages and inheritance tax and selling houses and the tax on that. I dont want to have to deal with solicitors or accountants or accept that im never going to be able to reach my potential like everyone wants cause I've got to grow up and get a fucking job before i have nothing left. I dont want to have to give everything up. Why dont I get to do A levels, or go to uni?? Why do I have to grow up and get a shit job just cause my dad cant deal. and I have no other family? Why did I have to lose everything just cause my mum died?? Thats not fair. I want to do all the things people tell me its a shame I wont/ cant do. But I cant do it. Cause I have to have money and a place to live more than I need some stupid piece of paper that will mean I wont have to be the guy who mops up in tesco at 4 am. Thats who I am. And theres nothing I can do to change that.
its so hard yola.
And it hurts. So bad. Like so bad.
And I hate myself
Cause all of it feels like its my fault and a lot of it is
And I cant change it now
Cause its too late or out of my power
I just want to die. Or for something to go right.
WHY WONT THE WORLD JUST KILL ME?
SEND ME TO FUCKING HELL FOR ALL I CARE
Just take me away from here
please ?
I dont want to have to hear his name again
And I dont want to have to see anyones face after I say "My mum died" anymore
And I dont want to have to look in mirrors anymore
Or remember
or think
Or breath
Or hurt
Im so tired of hurting
and hurting others
and fucking everything up
im tired of dissapointing people
Im an ugly fat usless fuck up waist of space that everyone would be better off without.
And its true
Its not whiny!
Its true!
Everyone would hae far less hassle and pain in their lives if I wasnt in them
and I tried dissapearing and leaving
but the fucking law made me go back.
Made them care again
I just want to die WHY is that so much to ask?
Anyway. I think i've written enough. I can breath again now. I think I'll be okay for tonight. night night yola. thankx for being there for me.