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Posted by bronwen wild on Monday, December 23, 2013
Sometimes i find myself thining the most unfair thoughts.
like not unfair to me or anything, like unfair to other people, mainly my brother, and it's nothing he's done, its more just... because he's older so was older first... ah you'll underatnd in a second
like just now, for example; i was thinking about a conversation we had earlier where he said "i'd noticed your presents this year were a bit thin on the ground" and that got me thinking about how it was my 18th this year, and how much bigger his 18th was and how if mum was here mine would never have been this shit. because it was shit. i mean, i went to carmartehn (the smallest pile of shit of a town ever, then had to come home pretty early because the only friend i could actually hang out with that weekend had somewhere else to be, a place he invited me to, to be fair, but it was my birthday and i didnt want to have to deal with anxiety on my birthday, so i didnt go, which actually ended in my beiing stuck at his house for like two hours because his dad's car broke down and we had to wait for the peopleto come with his replacement car (he's a taxi driver so it was a replacement taxi really) so it was a shit day. and i just found myself thinking that if mum was here it would have been more special... and just... yeah. no one really... makes an effort for me anymore, she was the only one.
and she got to meet padi's first girlfriend, and send him to uni, and see him leave school, and reach 21 (only just) and like, i wasn't even 15 when she died, i hadn't even started my gcse's
but then, she'll never see either of us get married, or find out what we do with our lives
and i know that if she hadn't died i'd be SO different
maybe i'd still be depressed, and maybe i'd have still started cutting.... but maybe i'd have never found three days grace and papa roach, maybe... maybe metal wouldnt have become my thing for so long, maybe i wouldnt have cut my hair off, or peirced my tongue. Maybe... Maybe i wouldnt read comics, or play games... maybe i would have never found out about cosplay, and Parlé and fighting dreamers pro, maybe... but maybe most of all, i'd have never found tumblr and followed the exact blogs i did and i'd have never found you're beautiful.... maybe i'd have never found the thing that would give me hope after everything else had shifted so much from what i knew and could find comfort in. Maybe i wouldnt know what 사랑해 means and maybe i wouldnt care, maybe i wouldnt know the difference between chinese and japanese and Korean just by listening to it or reading it (if its the easy japanese alphabet, the one that looks like chinese may as well be chinese because i am SHIT at reading it)
its just crazy, like i never understood the importance of ONE moment like the moment i found that gif set of you're beautiful and became curious. Because i could have just scrolled past it, or decided when i found out it was korean, to just not watch it, or stopped watching when it was taking FOREVER to get to the part that was gifed... but i didnt, and a year later, kpop and kdrama's are like... my safe house? i dont know, maybe its just because im wating the masters son, but that feel appropriate... safe house... because during an anxiety attack I can listen to my favorite songs and be happy, or i can listen to Lie and feel so calm listening to jonghyun's humming... or if im depressed i can watch kdrama's or interviwes or variety shows and llllljust laugh, or cry, or forget myself and the outside world for a while, and, that's something that makes me feel safe, and feel much better about being alone...
i know this has been a rather all over the pllace post, but thats kind of what my brain does whehn i think about these things
but if i write it down instead of just thinking it, i tend not to get so worked up or upset, which is nice..
but i shall bid you goodnight yola, and go check the fire... padi paid me to clean the house for when his girlfriend comes round tomorrow.... i have down downstairs and lit the fire.
sorry for rambling
but it saves doing it on tumblr, and they must be sick of my whining on there <3
like not unfair to me or anything, like unfair to other people, mainly my brother, and it's nothing he's done, its more just... because he's older so was older first... ah you'll underatnd in a second
like just now, for example; i was thinking about a conversation we had earlier where he said "i'd noticed your presents this year were a bit thin on the ground" and that got me thinking about how it was my 18th this year, and how much bigger his 18th was and how if mum was here mine would never have been this shit. because it was shit. i mean, i went to carmartehn (the smallest pile of shit of a town ever, then had to come home pretty early because the only friend i could actually hang out with that weekend had somewhere else to be, a place he invited me to, to be fair, but it was my birthday and i didnt want to have to deal with anxiety on my birthday, so i didnt go, which actually ended in my beiing stuck at his house for like two hours because his dad's car broke down and we had to wait for the peopleto come with his replacement car (he's a taxi driver so it was a replacement taxi really) so it was a shit day. and i just found myself thinking that if mum was here it would have been more special... and just... yeah. no one really... makes an effort for me anymore, she was the only one.
and she got to meet padi's first girlfriend, and send him to uni, and see him leave school, and reach 21 (only just) and like, i wasn't even 15 when she died, i hadn't even started my gcse's
but then, she'll never see either of us get married, or find out what we do with our lives
and i know that if she hadn't died i'd be SO different
maybe i'd still be depressed, and maybe i'd have still started cutting.... but maybe i'd have never found three days grace and papa roach, maybe... maybe metal wouldnt have become my thing for so long, maybe i wouldnt have cut my hair off, or peirced my tongue. Maybe... Maybe i wouldnt read comics, or play games... maybe i would have never found out about cosplay, and Parlé and fighting dreamers pro, maybe... but maybe most of all, i'd have never found tumblr and followed the exact blogs i did and i'd have never found you're beautiful.... maybe i'd have never found the thing that would give me hope after everything else had shifted so much from what i knew and could find comfort in. Maybe i wouldnt know what 사랑해 means and maybe i wouldnt care, maybe i wouldnt know the difference between chinese and japanese and Korean just by listening to it or reading it (if its the easy japanese alphabet, the one that looks like chinese may as well be chinese because i am SHIT at reading it)
its just crazy, like i never understood the importance of ONE moment like the moment i found that gif set of you're beautiful and became curious. Because i could have just scrolled past it, or decided when i found out it was korean, to just not watch it, or stopped watching when it was taking FOREVER to get to the part that was gifed... but i didnt, and a year later, kpop and kdrama's are like... my safe house? i dont know, maybe its just because im wating the masters son, but that feel appropriate... safe house... because during an anxiety attack I can listen to my favorite songs and be happy, or i can listen to Lie and feel so calm listening to jonghyun's humming... or if im depressed i can watch kdrama's or interviwes or variety shows and llllljust laugh, or cry, or forget myself and the outside world for a while, and, that's something that makes me feel safe, and feel much better about being alone...
i know this has been a rather all over the pllace post, but thats kind of what my brain does whehn i think about these things
but if i write it down instead of just thinking it, i tend not to get so worked up or upset, which is nice..
but i shall bid you goodnight yola, and go check the fire... padi paid me to clean the house for when his girlfriend comes round tomorrow.... i have down downstairs and lit the fire.
sorry for rambling
but it saves doing it on tumblr, and they must be sick of my whining on there <3
