twice in one day, impressive, no?
Posted by bronwen wild on Thursday, November 14, 2013
you know what I hate?
these posts you see online that say shit like "life is what you make it" or "The future is in your hands" or "only you have the power to change your life"
and just in general people telling you that you have power over your life and that it's your fault that your life sucks.
And okay those arent exactly the quotes I mean. Those are kind of okay. I just see a butt ton of ones on tumblr and facebook that actually say something more along the lines of this rant, but since the topic of this rant came into my head several hours ago i have since forgotten the actual quote that pissed me off. But rest assured it was dumb. and i appologise for using comparativly less stupid quotes. but they are still dumb.
right so
sinical old me here.
so the reason I think those posts are dumb are mainly to do with my own life. and what I have experienced. To other people thoose stupid ass quotes might not be quite so dumb... but to me.... they just seem outright moronic.
Because like, my life used to be in my hands. I was a good student...got mostly c's and b's... because i kinda suck at test taking... and am dyslexic... so school was hard for me... but i like learning and hated other kids... so schoolwork was the only thing left to do :3 I was a regular teachers pet.
but see, then my mum got ill and i became depressed.... course didnt know that at the time, but looking back it makes a lot of sence... well it at least makes sense of why I was so tired all the time... like I used to HAVE to take days off school to just..sleep or I'd just break...but yeah... i kept up with my school work... even if i never did do my homework... but yes... was doing fine... was in top sets for everything it was dandy.... mother dies.... i fall for a bad boy... he turns out to be the only thing that keeps me sane... i stop doing school work... I get depressed...school is hard...i get panic attacks daily while in classes... of course I didnt know thats what they were at the time... of course it makes a lot of sense now..... I drop out.... people tell me how shit my life will be for several months.... i agree to go back... II go back... school wont give me work.... I stop going... the school truancy officer comes to the house.... twice... I am made to go back... school still wont give me my work... I write about comitting suicide in the back of an exam because i was out of my mind.... I back my eyelashes and they stop worrying... school still havent given me any work... school is over. I havn't got a single gcse.
I go to college... Catering was scary... I take IT... its going great... work dissapears... teachers quits... still no work.... months behind on work anyway...which we werent aware of.... two months to finish an entire years worth of work... im the only one to finish everything on the deadline... I only get a pass because thats all I had time for.
College is over. I have one GCSE and a BTEC
And now here I am.
I have been screwed over by two educational instatutes. It's not that I didnt work, it's that they fucked me over. but it doesnt look like that. it looks like im a lazy drop out. Which I resent.
right but thats not it.
you say im in charge of my life
Well... I cant leave the house without help because i live in fucking field ten miles in any direction from anywhere. maybe further... but arounf ten to fifteen miles. there are NO busses. And i mean none... I could get to town.... but I'd have to like wait until the next day to get the bus back.... not to mention that the bus stop is like two miles away...its not that bad going... its the cooming back.... its all uphill and theres like a warning on the hill the heavy things shouldnt go down it because shit will go down because it is STEAP!!!!!!!!!!! so yes theres that.
also I am constantly being told by people what to do with my life and how to do it and why to do it and what not. and i never actually get my way.
But then theres the fact im stuck here in these four walls
with my father
and it has been my dream since I was 14 to get out of this hell hole.
im 18 in less than a month.
and please keep in mind only lived with dad for about a week before i turned 15.
before that I'd been living with mum for two years.
i mean hell
I cant even get out the house to see my pony. the freaking love of my life the ying to my yang the light at the end of the tunnel. I havent seen her in two years, because I have no one to take me and she lives 45 minutes away.
so please tell me how II have power over my life when I dont even have power over the food I eat, if things are shit in my life I just have to deal with it, if the people in my life are shit I just have to cope, because the only people left in my life are my family, and its fucking difficult to get rid of them.
I am so tired yola and i have been feeling so bad recently. and like just at life.
just at life
and at how useless mine is
and how pointless everything is
and how im going to be stuck here forever
and how im holding my brother back and how i hate it
i just hate it
and its stupid and im so fucking tired
and i dont get it
and i dont have anyone II can ask to explain it
and im so scared
because its just getting worse
and im feeling more and more alone
and more and more bitter and cold
and im just not good at people anymore
and all i want to do is see one of my kpop idols live
then I can just die
is it sad that thats really all I want to live for?
but its all i have left
I dont have friends
or even family really
well no theres padi
but im just so tired of holding him back and for making his life miserablle
and i just want one of us to be happy
i just dont get it yola
i've been depressed for five years
and i've had anxiety pretty much my whole life
at what point does it get easier?
at what point does it make sense
what do i have to do
because it not like i want to die
i dont want to die
havent in a while
but its like
i dont see another way
i dont
get it
and its not like i just want an "easy way out" like some people call it
Its not giving up
if i'd given up I would just go with the flow i'd just do whatever to fuck
Call it caring too much
calll it
trying too much
it's not a want for an easy way out
its a want for it to stop
or
its
its
i just
i dont understand
and everything just seems so pointless
and like
i just dont get it
and im just so sad all the time
and so tired
and scared
and in pain
and it all just builds up
like im carrying it in the backpack I can never put down
and its slowly becoming too much to bear
and i have no one to share the load with
this is the closest thing to sharing i have
and its not becuase Im scared of sharing
I've shared plenty of times
they all... well they left
and now its just me
because they all left and well... no one filled their places.... so now its just me
all alone
my biggest fear.
which
as it turns out
hurts just as much as i thought it would
but not in the way i thought it would
i thought it would be the lonelyness that would kill me first
but that doesnt hurt so much
it's the realisation that no one cares.
no not in the sence i usually mean
I mean
I am no ones first choice
Im not the person the anyone chooses to llean on
Im not the person who anyone looks for in a crowd
no one minds if im not there
and no one really minds if they dont hear from me
they also dont care if I am there
or if i do talk to them
they dont mind telling me their problems
and they'll wave if they see me
i am easily forgotten
by people I cant forget
i am alone no matter where I am
And that
is what hurts the most
not having someone to talk to
I can cope with that.
Not having anyone to hang out with
Well it's not like I have a way to leave the house anyway.
But it's the fact that nobody minds
that there is nobody left to mind
that hurts
i cant put this into words well.
being alone is a fear i've had for a long time,
im not good at being alone
because believe it or not
i am a very outgoing bubbly person
i like people
and i like talking and being centre of attention
i just havent had the chance in.... well... years.
my anixety is getting worse too. Had one of the worst attcks of my life last night.
god.
I was so scared
of myself.
i mean... there have been times in the past where I've felt like a crazy person... but last night... i think i might actualy be insane... and im not kidding.. or embelishing... i was scared of myself.... after the attack of course... during it i just didnt know what to do...
I cant even really explain it .... i like was hyperventalating... and crying.... but like i didnt know what to do with myself...and was like pullling at my hair... but i had a clip in my hair.. so i kind of paniced at that and like forgot how clips even work and just kept pulling until it came loose at threw it accross the room... and then like i just didnt know what to do.... i didnt want anything touching me so i kicked my blanket off my bed...and I was then just sat on the centre of my bed with my hands on either side of my head... not touching.... because I didnt want anything touching me... and I like half cried half hyperventalated and rocked back and forth.... until I zoned out and somehow ended up sat clutching my arm, rubbing my thumb accross my scars.... just staring at the floor... and then again I zoned out and I ended up laying down doing the same. and then my brother came home.
I cant even explain that very well.... but do you see why crazy?... I have never felt so fucked up as when that was over and I realised what had just happened... i have eppisodes where stuff like that happens... but never as bad as yesterday... never for as long as yesterday... and still no one cares... doctors wont help.... shrinks tell me im waisting their time...
so
what
is
the
use?
im sorry for writing so much
but was hoping that if I kept writing i'd start to feel better like normal
be these days
nothing makes it better.
night yola.
these posts you see online that say shit like "life is what you make it" or "The future is in your hands" or "only you have the power to change your life"
and just in general people telling you that you have power over your life and that it's your fault that your life sucks.
And okay those arent exactly the quotes I mean. Those are kind of okay. I just see a butt ton of ones on tumblr and facebook that actually say something more along the lines of this rant, but since the topic of this rant came into my head several hours ago i have since forgotten the actual quote that pissed me off. But rest assured it was dumb. and i appologise for using comparativly less stupid quotes. but they are still dumb.
right so
sinical old me here.
so the reason I think those posts are dumb are mainly to do with my own life. and what I have experienced. To other people thoose stupid ass quotes might not be quite so dumb... but to me.... they just seem outright moronic.
Because like, my life used to be in my hands. I was a good student...got mostly c's and b's... because i kinda suck at test taking... and am dyslexic... so school was hard for me... but i like learning and hated other kids... so schoolwork was the only thing left to do :3 I was a regular teachers pet.
but see, then my mum got ill and i became depressed.... course didnt know that at the time, but looking back it makes a lot of sence... well it at least makes sense of why I was so tired all the time... like I used to HAVE to take days off school to just..sleep or I'd just break...but yeah... i kept up with my school work... even if i never did do my homework... but yes... was doing fine... was in top sets for everything it was dandy.... mother dies.... i fall for a bad boy... he turns out to be the only thing that keeps me sane... i stop doing school work... I get depressed...school is hard...i get panic attacks daily while in classes... of course I didnt know thats what they were at the time... of course it makes a lot of sense now..... I drop out.... people tell me how shit my life will be for several months.... i agree to go back... II go back... school wont give me work.... I stop going... the school truancy officer comes to the house.... twice... I am made to go back... school still wont give me my work... I write about comitting suicide in the back of an exam because i was out of my mind.... I back my eyelashes and they stop worrying... school still havent given me any work... school is over. I havn't got a single gcse.
I go to college... Catering was scary... I take IT... its going great... work dissapears... teachers quits... still no work.... months behind on work anyway...which we werent aware of.... two months to finish an entire years worth of work... im the only one to finish everything on the deadline... I only get a pass because thats all I had time for.
College is over. I have one GCSE and a BTEC
And now here I am.
I have been screwed over by two educational instatutes. It's not that I didnt work, it's that they fucked me over. but it doesnt look like that. it looks like im a lazy drop out. Which I resent.
right but thats not it.
you say im in charge of my life
Well... I cant leave the house without help because i live in fucking field ten miles in any direction from anywhere. maybe further... but arounf ten to fifteen miles. there are NO busses. And i mean none... I could get to town.... but I'd have to like wait until the next day to get the bus back.... not to mention that the bus stop is like two miles away...its not that bad going... its the cooming back.... its all uphill and theres like a warning on the hill the heavy things shouldnt go down it because shit will go down because it is STEAP!!!!!!!!!!! so yes theres that.
also I am constantly being told by people what to do with my life and how to do it and why to do it and what not. and i never actually get my way.
But then theres the fact im stuck here in these four walls
with my father
and it has been my dream since I was 14 to get out of this hell hole.
im 18 in less than a month.
and please keep in mind only lived with dad for about a week before i turned 15.
before that I'd been living with mum for two years.
i mean hell
I cant even get out the house to see my pony. the freaking love of my life the ying to my yang the light at the end of the tunnel. I havent seen her in two years, because I have no one to take me and she lives 45 minutes away.
so please tell me how II have power over my life when I dont even have power over the food I eat, if things are shit in my life I just have to deal with it, if the people in my life are shit I just have to cope, because the only people left in my life are my family, and its fucking difficult to get rid of them.
I am so tired yola and i have been feeling so bad recently. and like just at life.
just at life
and at how useless mine is
and how pointless everything is
and how im going to be stuck here forever
and how im holding my brother back and how i hate it
i just hate it
and its stupid and im so fucking tired
and i dont get it
and i dont have anyone II can ask to explain it
and im so scared
because its just getting worse
and im feeling more and more alone
and more and more bitter and cold
and im just not good at people anymore
and all i want to do is see one of my kpop idols live
then I can just die
is it sad that thats really all I want to live for?
but its all i have left
I dont have friends
or even family really
well no theres padi
but im just so tired of holding him back and for making his life miserablle
and i just want one of us to be happy
i just dont get it yola
i've been depressed for five years
and i've had anxiety pretty much my whole life
at what point does it get easier?
at what point does it make sense
what do i have to do
because it not like i want to die
i dont want to die
havent in a while
but its like
i dont see another way
i dont
get it
and its not like i just want an "easy way out" like some people call it
Its not giving up
if i'd given up I would just go with the flow i'd just do whatever to fuck
Call it caring too much
calll it
trying too much
it's not a want for an easy way out
its a want for it to stop
or
its
its
i just
i dont understand
and everything just seems so pointless
and like
i just dont get it
and im just so sad all the time
and so tired
and scared
and in pain
and it all just builds up
like im carrying it in the backpack I can never put down
and its slowly becoming too much to bear
and i have no one to share the load with
this is the closest thing to sharing i have
and its not becuase Im scared of sharing
I've shared plenty of times
they all... well they left
and now its just me
because they all left and well... no one filled their places.... so now its just me
all alone
my biggest fear.
which
as it turns out
hurts just as much as i thought it would
but not in the way i thought it would
i thought it would be the lonelyness that would kill me first
but that doesnt hurt so much
it's the realisation that no one cares.
no not in the sence i usually mean
I mean
I am no ones first choice
Im not the person the anyone chooses to llean on
Im not the person who anyone looks for in a crowd
no one minds if im not there
and no one really minds if they dont hear from me
they also dont care if I am there
or if i do talk to them
they dont mind telling me their problems
and they'll wave if they see me
i am easily forgotten
by people I cant forget
i am alone no matter where I am
And that
is what hurts the most
not having someone to talk to
I can cope with that.
Not having anyone to hang out with
Well it's not like I have a way to leave the house anyway.
But it's the fact that nobody minds
that there is nobody left to mind
that hurts
i cant put this into words well.
being alone is a fear i've had for a long time,
im not good at being alone
because believe it or not
i am a very outgoing bubbly person
i like people
and i like talking and being centre of attention
i just havent had the chance in.... well... years.
my anixety is getting worse too. Had one of the worst attcks of my life last night.
god.
I was so scared
of myself.
i mean... there have been times in the past where I've felt like a crazy person... but last night... i think i might actualy be insane... and im not kidding.. or embelishing... i was scared of myself.... after the attack of course... during it i just didnt know what to do...
I cant even really explain it .... i like was hyperventalating... and crying.... but like i didnt know what to do with myself...and was like pullling at my hair... but i had a clip in my hair.. so i kind of paniced at that and like forgot how clips even work and just kept pulling until it came loose at threw it accross the room... and then like i just didnt know what to do.... i didnt want anything touching me so i kicked my blanket off my bed...and I was then just sat on the centre of my bed with my hands on either side of my head... not touching.... because I didnt want anything touching me... and I like half cried half hyperventalated and rocked back and forth.... until I zoned out and somehow ended up sat clutching my arm, rubbing my thumb accross my scars.... just staring at the floor... and then again I zoned out and I ended up laying down doing the same. and then my brother came home.
I cant even explain that very well.... but do you see why crazy?... I have never felt so fucked up as when that was over and I realised what had just happened... i have eppisodes where stuff like that happens... but never as bad as yesterday... never for as long as yesterday... and still no one cares... doctors wont help.... shrinks tell me im waisting their time...
so
what
is
the
use?
im sorry for writing so much
but was hoping that if I kept writing i'd start to feel better like normal
be these days
nothing makes it better.
night yola.
