there was a boy, he used to be my bestfriend.
Posted by bronwen wild on Thursday, November 21, 2013
There is a boy, well, i guess i should call him a man now... who can always see when im in pain. he can tell when im not even lieing, he can see it when we're not even talking.
sure, my being not okay is a given these days, and by these days i mean these past five years, and sure of those he has known me for three but yet, for the last year and a half we have barely spoken.
there was a time when him being able to read me like a book was given. but i could read him better. but, like i said, we've bearly spoken.
these days, no one asks if im okay. no one looks to my wrists to check they're stil clear or asks the meaning behind my "im fine"
I get used to that.
Not expecting people to notice, hoping they wont. because i dont want you to care, i dont want you too close.
but this boy. no man. worms his way back into my life with hello, and leaves it again with my trust.
i open my heart to him so foolishly. and everytime im left to tell myself i told you so.
but he tells me he cares. he knows me better than anyone else. i dont have to explain and i dont have to justify. He understands.
But there i go again falling into the trap of trusting him. and god how my heart wants to, wants to bathe in the comfort of knowing he is there and that he cares and that he understands. What i would give to have him there by my side to comfort me when things are hard... but my brain reminds me i will just get hurt because he cant and wont and shouldnt always be there and he wont comfort you and he wont listen and he wont stay. He is not your best friend anymore, he is just a person who knows you and you him, and he feels he owes you a debt. as if he didnt save your life as well.
but im a fool, and he asked me how i was.
he's the only person who ever asks me how i am
and im simply so lost
that how can i not reply to him and feel the weight of struggling alone leave my chest
because he has always been the only person who makes me feel like i'll be missed. by just him.
but we barely talk anymore. he barely cares anymore.
he is not my best friend
and i am not his
we are strangers who know eachother well
but do not judge me for being weak and giving in
his words so familiar
and myself so not alright
is it so wrong
was it so stupid
to
just for one night
feel like somebody cared
even if it was all lies?
sure, my being not okay is a given these days, and by these days i mean these past five years, and sure of those he has known me for three but yet, for the last year and a half we have barely spoken.
there was a time when him being able to read me like a book was given. but i could read him better. but, like i said, we've bearly spoken.
these days, no one asks if im okay. no one looks to my wrists to check they're stil clear or asks the meaning behind my "im fine"
I get used to that.
Not expecting people to notice, hoping they wont. because i dont want you to care, i dont want you too close.
but this boy. no man. worms his way back into my life with hello, and leaves it again with my trust.
i open my heart to him so foolishly. and everytime im left to tell myself i told you so.
but he tells me he cares. he knows me better than anyone else. i dont have to explain and i dont have to justify. He understands.
But there i go again falling into the trap of trusting him. and god how my heart wants to, wants to bathe in the comfort of knowing he is there and that he cares and that he understands. What i would give to have him there by my side to comfort me when things are hard... but my brain reminds me i will just get hurt because he cant and wont and shouldnt always be there and he wont comfort you and he wont listen and he wont stay. He is not your best friend anymore, he is just a person who knows you and you him, and he feels he owes you a debt. as if he didnt save your life as well.
but im a fool, and he asked me how i was.
he's the only person who ever asks me how i am
and im simply so lost
that how can i not reply to him and feel the weight of struggling alone leave my chest
because he has always been the only person who makes me feel like i'll be missed. by just him.
but we barely talk anymore. he barely cares anymore.
he is not my best friend
and i am not his
we are strangers who know eachother well
but do not judge me for being weak and giving in
his words so familiar
and myself so not alright
is it so wrong
was it so stupid
to
just for one night
feel like somebody cared
even if it was all lies?
