some thoughts on a miserable sunday afternoon
Posted by bronwen wild on Sunday, August 24, 2014
I have a hole in my heart
not a literal one
thank goodness
just one of those shitty metaphorical ones
but the weird thing is
its not my chest that hurts
its like
if i were to tell anyone
i would say there's a weight on my chest
and when I think about it
thats the part of my body i clutch to
but its not the part that hurts
my heart does not ache
my head does
and the pit of my stomach twists and churns and aches
so what exactly do I call that?
I feel so lonely
but I do not crave human interaction
I enjoy being on my own
people are tiring
and i am not very good at it any more
I do however crave a purpose
Some people when they look at me may think i crave to bury my loneliness with work
but thats not quite it
because at the moment my brain is burying my lack of purpose with loneliness
because at least being lonely is a dual sided problem
whereas being a total fucking waste of air is kind of entirely my own fault
I crave proving myself to myself
because one part of me is so sure i can do anything
reach the stars and have time to spare
but theres this other part of me that is SO sure I will fail
and slowly
so slowly
because I have nothing to do but sit with my own thoughts all day it is starting to win me over
I start thinking like
well
maybe instead of that really ambitious thing
we could do this less ambitious thing
but why do i have to compromise?
im young
cant I try
if i fail cant I just go back to the beginning and start over
cant i chalk it up to experience and at least have the safe knowledge that I tried?
I have a hole in my heart
and half the hole was put there by the people I have lost along the way
the other half was put there by how many times i half let myself down
I will not rely on other people
or trust them with this broken heart
so really what else can I do but work to fix the other half?
because when I dont hate myself the hole is so small I hardly notice
Maybe this sounds pitiful
or like im just trying to convince myself that i dont need other people
and maybe I am
but so what?
Surly its better to accept that at this point in my life I dont have people around me
and that im just going to have to be on my own for a little while
surly its better to accept that
and to try and be fine with that fact
than to sit and feel sorry for myself
I mean its mainly my fault im firendless anyway
so I may aswell get on with it
And I dont want friends
I want to be proud of myself
I want to be able to try
maybe I'll fail
and maybe it will be awful
or never get further than plans
but shouldnt I be able to find that out
And just so you know
im not making excuses
im not asking these questions of other people
the moment i left home i left other peoples power over me behind
i am just waiting for when the house is sold
so i have some money to out behind this crazy endeavor
people can doubt me
I'm going to try
these questions are not excuses
they are an argument
because I am going to try
and i'm not going to worry about whether it succeeds or fails
I am just going to try
and see where that takes me
of course I really fucking do want it to succeed
but its okay if it doesnt.
not a literal one
thank goodness
just one of those shitty metaphorical ones
but the weird thing is
its not my chest that hurts
its like
if i were to tell anyone
i would say there's a weight on my chest
and when I think about it
thats the part of my body i clutch to
but its not the part that hurts
my heart does not ache
my head does
and the pit of my stomach twists and churns and aches
so what exactly do I call that?
I feel so lonely
but I do not crave human interaction
I enjoy being on my own
people are tiring
and i am not very good at it any more
I do however crave a purpose
Some people when they look at me may think i crave to bury my loneliness with work
but thats not quite it
because at the moment my brain is burying my lack of purpose with loneliness
because at least being lonely is a dual sided problem
whereas being a total fucking waste of air is kind of entirely my own fault
I crave proving myself to myself
because one part of me is so sure i can do anything
reach the stars and have time to spare
but theres this other part of me that is SO sure I will fail
and slowly
so slowly
because I have nothing to do but sit with my own thoughts all day it is starting to win me over
I start thinking like
well
maybe instead of that really ambitious thing
we could do this less ambitious thing
but why do i have to compromise?
im young
cant I try
if i fail cant I just go back to the beginning and start over
cant i chalk it up to experience and at least have the safe knowledge that I tried?
I have a hole in my heart
and half the hole was put there by the people I have lost along the way
the other half was put there by how many times i half let myself down
I will not rely on other people
or trust them with this broken heart
so really what else can I do but work to fix the other half?
because when I dont hate myself the hole is so small I hardly notice
Maybe this sounds pitiful
or like im just trying to convince myself that i dont need other people
and maybe I am
but so what?
Surly its better to accept that at this point in my life I dont have people around me
and that im just going to have to be on my own for a little while
surly its better to accept that
and to try and be fine with that fact
than to sit and feel sorry for myself
I mean its mainly my fault im firendless anyway
so I may aswell get on with it
And I dont want friends
I want to be proud of myself
I want to be able to try
maybe I'll fail
and maybe it will be awful
or never get further than plans
but shouldnt I be able to find that out
And just so you know
im not making excuses
im not asking these questions of other people
the moment i left home i left other peoples power over me behind
i am just waiting for when the house is sold
so i have some money to out behind this crazy endeavor
people can doubt me
I'm going to try
these questions are not excuses
they are an argument
because I am going to try
and i'm not going to worry about whether it succeeds or fails
I am just going to try
and see where that takes me
of course I really fucking do want it to succeed
but its okay if it doesnt.
