Sup yola. So yeah I kinda never really left did i? But oh well no one checks here anymore.. its been like two weeks since anyones even looked on here :D
But yeah, between conversations with Jake and flipping out at granny today.. I finally came up with an answer to the question " so what do you want to do with your life?" and I think its pretty good. If a little teenage stupid xD
Wanna know what it is?
I want to write love on her arms.
I want to make sure this star wont go out!
I want to stop the bleeding and make sure love is the movement.
In short I want to help
Its always been a thing of mine.
I wanted to be a counselor or a therapist or something like

But I dont want to be that... I dont want to be the person that asks questions... or that "has the answers" cause from my experience there are no answers and there are no right questions.. Theres only hope and bought time.
To quote Augustus;
"I bought them a minute. Maybe that's the minute that buys them an hour, which is the hour that buys them a year. No one's gonna buy them forever, Hazel Grace, but my life bought them a minute. And that's not nothing."

And thats what I want to be. Hope. Cause if books and life and TWLOHA have taught me anything its that through music and being listened to and knowing someone cares and will be there at three am to talk to you about nothing at all will save you 100 times more than
"so how dose that make you feel"
Ever will.
I want to be hope for people like me, and hopefully to people who havent fucked up as much as me.
And most importantly I want them to know that they're not alone, and that other people have felt it too, and have thought the same things... And lived through it.
So thats what I want to be when I grow up.
I want to be a more understanding of these things version of Mrs B (my god that woman is the best person in the world I swear!)
Cause I know if I'd had someone who'd been there, or felt that when I was at my worst, and had someone tell me "hey, things are shit right now, and are going to be for a fucking long time..  but you know what, I'll be here, 'kay? I'll understand. And even if I dont I'll try" I wouldnt be here right now. And I wouldn't be sat thinking "how the fuck did i end up here" And then I also wouldn't remember that i'm here because of a boy. Admittedly the hole ditching school thing no matter how stupid was the best way. But I wouldn't still be as messed up if I hadn't listened to him as much, and if i hadn't hidden away behind him instead of getting back up and getting out there with the people who love and care about me. But then, if i hadn;t loved him I would have offed myself several times over by now xD So I dont know..
But yeah, too many girls look to love and a boy/girl to fix everything. You make this perfect thing where just by feeling loved and wanted it'll be okay again... But it doesn't work like that... And then you're left even more lost and feeling awful cause you have this perfect love, but you're still not happy. So you're hating yourself so much more than before... And I know too many people that have done it.
So I want to help people through it. I have the scars, and I have all the thoughts.
I remember while being with the myriads of counselors I've had thinking, " you've never been depressed have you? You've never felt this, or been here? How can you know? How can you fix me?"
And I know others that think it too
And I know im good at this
I used to do it every night
Nick, Sian, Alish, Kat...And a girl from Australia All of them, the last three I've never even met. To be fair I havent heard from the girl in Aus in a worryingly long time.. she just stopped sending messages back "/
There have been others, But those were the every  or most night gang...
So as far a credentials go I think Im alright :3
This just strikes me as something I' be good at.
I love helping people
And making people happy
I just think I' be pretty good at it.
So yeah, thats what I want to do, and my god i've rambled a lot.
Can you tell im in a happy place at the moment?
And thats after a crappy day, im still smiling :D
I have FF13-2 to play, nyamas food, im going to see me beautiful baby cousin on wednesday and my love for say anything and marianas trench is HUGE and wonderful! Josh is a beautiful man xD Gah things are okay at the moment :3 like actually honestly, most of the time. Even if the nightmares and lingering feelings dont help.. But they'll pass :3
NIGHT YOOOLLLLAAAA :D XX love eww