so
Posted by bronwen wild on Tuesday, November 5, 2013
man
i dont know
like
my friend was sad yesterday
like
for reasons similar to why im always like this
and i was telling her these things
and like
in my head i was just like
"man this is such bullshit"
but I believed it
I believed it for her
because that's what she deserves
and aint that fucked up?
no not that i think she deserves it moron
that i think she deserves it
but not me
and like
so here's the thing
it's made me think
what if that all any of it is
like
what if "normal" are just the things we believe the one's we love should receive.
but in reality no one does
but we keep teling ourselves its only us
and facing the outside world with lies
building this fake ideal of what we believe everone else deserves
not nessicerally gets, but deserves.
and we tell people
"this is what you deserve"
and then that makes them question why they dont have that
and that much i know to be true.
because before I was told how shit my life was
I didn't think it was shit.
but then people told me what i "deserve" and what "normal" is
so they raise your expectations
so you end up thinking
"well that isnt so much to ask for"
but the thing is
do any of us actually get the things promiced to us
do any of us get the fairy tail love
with the perfect job
and the perfect looks
with the perfect family
in their perfect home
where money is never an issue
and all probbblems are fixable within a day or two
Because dont get me wrong
I truly believe these things exist
but
i dont believe they all happen together, ever.
but that is what we're taught to expect
we are filled with fairy tails and cartoons and tv shows and films and books that scream these things at us
making you feel less than
making you feel dissapointed and a little bit empty when you realise that, well... real life just doesn't seem to work like that.
but then, there's the other side of things
where you're not aloud to be weak or not okay
you have to suffer in silence or be shunned. and lord pray you dont have a mental illness then you'll be friendless and considered a lay about, good for nothing.
it's like
they shove us in these boxes from the day we are born and you can't escape them
and you aren't even meant to try
they just drug you with things you think are important until you take a step away and think about it
but you fill your life with it anyway
because it's the only way too survive
and they wonder why this generation is so full of mental health problems
you are killing us
litterally driving us insane
becasue the crazy thing is that im not the only one and im not the worst
and that terrifies me
because i am pretty fucking fucked up
so I have to wonder as always what the point is
and like not even in an existensial (im sorry I have no idea how to spell that word) way, just in a "life is never going to be what you were taught to expect, you are always going to be a dissapointment to yourself" sort of way.
because when I was young I was told I was brilliant
but now no one tells me im brilliant
because i dont have a peice of paper saying how well i along with all my peers memorized facts from a text book.
my grandmother
when we talk will tell me im clever
and i will tell her im not
now, dont misunderstand
im not thick.
it just doesn't matter
it does not matter how clever I am
I do not have those peices of paper
and I do not have an abundant gift which I can use to launch into stardom.
which leaves me with the label stupid.
Or lazy.
but I resent that
I am insane, I am not a fucking lay about.
So i will take stupid
that at least, is much easier to prove wrong.
that at least I can tell myself is not true.
this life is strange
and I do not understand it
it alll seems quite pointless
yet im complelled to see how it all turns out
how I turn out
like
I want to just skip to the end of a really bad movie just to see how it ends
but I dont have to comitment to it to see it all the way though
so i might just tab out now and safe the effort.
I have better thing to do.
who knows
this was a compleat brain vomit
like this isnt what i came here to write about at all
so this was just my brain shouting things and me writing them down as they came
so if it's utter noncence sorry about that
but then you chose to read it so who's the real loser here?
but yes.
nighty night yola
I'll see you soon xx
i dont know
like
my friend was sad yesterday
like
for reasons similar to why im always like this
and i was telling her these things
and like
in my head i was just like
"man this is such bullshit"
but I believed it
I believed it for her
because that's what she deserves
and aint that fucked up?
no not that i think she deserves it moron
that i think she deserves it
but not me
and like
so here's the thing
it's made me think
what if that all any of it is
like
what if "normal" are just the things we believe the one's we love should receive.
but in reality no one does
but we keep teling ourselves its only us
and facing the outside world with lies
building this fake ideal of what we believe everone else deserves
not nessicerally gets, but deserves.
and we tell people
"this is what you deserve"
and then that makes them question why they dont have that
and that much i know to be true.
because before I was told how shit my life was
I didn't think it was shit.
but then people told me what i "deserve" and what "normal" is
so they raise your expectations
so you end up thinking
"well that isnt so much to ask for"
but the thing is
do any of us actually get the things promiced to us
do any of us get the fairy tail love
with the perfect job
and the perfect looks
with the perfect family
in their perfect home
where money is never an issue
and all probbblems are fixable within a day or two
Because dont get me wrong
I truly believe these things exist
but
i dont believe they all happen together, ever.
but that is what we're taught to expect
we are filled with fairy tails and cartoons and tv shows and films and books that scream these things at us
making you feel less than
making you feel dissapointed and a little bit empty when you realise that, well... real life just doesn't seem to work like that.
but then, there's the other side of things
where you're not aloud to be weak or not okay
you have to suffer in silence or be shunned. and lord pray you dont have a mental illness then you'll be friendless and considered a lay about, good for nothing.
it's like
they shove us in these boxes from the day we are born and you can't escape them
and you aren't even meant to try
they just drug you with things you think are important until you take a step away and think about it
but you fill your life with it anyway
because it's the only way too survive
and they wonder why this generation is so full of mental health problems
you are killing us
litterally driving us insane
becasue the crazy thing is that im not the only one and im not the worst
and that terrifies me
because i am pretty fucking fucked up
so I have to wonder as always what the point is
and like not even in an existensial (im sorry I have no idea how to spell that word) way, just in a "life is never going to be what you were taught to expect, you are always going to be a dissapointment to yourself" sort of way.
because when I was young I was told I was brilliant
but now no one tells me im brilliant
because i dont have a peice of paper saying how well i along with all my peers memorized facts from a text book.
my grandmother
when we talk will tell me im clever
and i will tell her im not
now, dont misunderstand
im not thick.
it just doesn't matter
it does not matter how clever I am
I do not have those peices of paper
and I do not have an abundant gift which I can use to launch into stardom.
which leaves me with the label stupid.
Or lazy.
but I resent that
I am insane, I am not a fucking lay about.
So i will take stupid
that at least, is much easier to prove wrong.
that at least I can tell myself is not true.
this life is strange
and I do not understand it
it alll seems quite pointless
yet im complelled to see how it all turns out
how I turn out
like
I want to just skip to the end of a really bad movie just to see how it ends
but I dont have to comitment to it to see it all the way though
so i might just tab out now and safe the effort.
I have better thing to do.
who knows
this was a compleat brain vomit
like this isnt what i came here to write about at all
so this was just my brain shouting things and me writing them down as they came
so if it's utter noncence sorry about that
but then you chose to read it so who's the real loser here?
but yes.
nighty night yola
I'll see you soon xx
