slow night so long
Posted by bronwen wild on Thursday, June 20, 2013
im tired.
my anxiety is awful.
college is fucked.
i just
i dont know what to do
none of this whole stupid world makes sense to me and no one is willing to explain it to me because somehow they all seem to understand, oor are okay with not understanding. but im not okay. not at all . its driving me insane
like i just dont understand.
i dont understand why because im in love with a girl im a lesser human. or if i wear a particular item of clothing that changes who i am
or how peices of paper mesure my worth
or how we are told to live our lives and make the most of our youth
but we're stuck in these soul crushing institutions that dont actually care about you they just care about numbers
and at the end of that we either have to go off to yet another place of the same format
or we can get a job
which for the vast majority means being making do with a job they hate, do not with to do and makes them utterly miserable
and for what?
so they can pay for shit with paper and metal discs
cause it's all just fucking stuff
and yeah i buy into it
but fucking hell
its meaningless
but the thing that gets to me above it all
is that all of this is decided for me
but i dont get to even decide what to do with my own fucking body
because fat is ugly
but thin is ugly
curves are good
but only this kind
dont be fat ew
and be pretty
but dont wear makeup
but wear makeup cause no one looks like this without it
so buy the stuff that costs £60 a bottle
and be funny
but also be cute
and dumb as balls
and dont think for yourself
and dont get tattoos
or cut your hair short
but make sure thats the only place on your whole body you have hair
because looking like a fucking child is sexy???
but also enjoy being sexually harrassed
but dont put out too easily because otherwise you're a whore
but also dont not put out because then you're a stuck up bitch
and dont like guy things because then you're a poser
but also like guy things because "what else are we gonna talk about babe?"
and dress like a fucking virgin
but also dress like a slut
but then take full responcibility when raped because you asked for it
and dont walk anywhere at night alone
or drink
or go out
or be at home
or anything really
unless you become antimatter you asked for it
oh and dont forget to get back in the kitchen while raising them kids wench
because what woman could want anything other than a life stuck at home
but then also
i get called freak
and judged because i choose to look how fucking well choose,
which so happens to be rather boyish
well fucking news flash
maybe i dont have a dick
but i make a better dude than 50% of the dudes i kow.
fucking hell
i just dont get it
there are all these rules
and fucking shit
and it just seems so pointless
like what do you get out of it?
what is the point?
because there really doesn't seem to be one
fucking hell
and im just so tired
because there is no help
it doesn't get better
it doesn't get easier
it doesn't go away
and i am always fucking alone
and that has been my worst fear since i was around 12
and here i am
alone
and scared
and fucking
dieing
and
no
one
cares
at
all
because no one cares to see
i dont understand
i wish i understood
but it just all feels so hopeless
and pointless
and i hate it
but for now i am tired and need to sleep
so i am going to go
also
i love my tablet
look at how long this rant has been now i have a working keyboard again!
right thats it from me
thanks yola
i think my mouth has stopped bleeding now
(i accidentally chewed through my cheek and its been bleeding for aaaages but it took my mind of my hands so at least they dont hurt as much now)
good lord im a mess
kill me
or cuddle me
god i need a hug
goodnight yola
maybe (hopefully) goodbye
my anxiety is awful.
college is fucked.
i just
i dont know what to do
none of this whole stupid world makes sense to me and no one is willing to explain it to me because somehow they all seem to understand, oor are okay with not understanding. but im not okay. not at all . its driving me insane
like i just dont understand.
i dont understand why because im in love with a girl im a lesser human. or if i wear a particular item of clothing that changes who i am
or how peices of paper mesure my worth
or how we are told to live our lives and make the most of our youth
but we're stuck in these soul crushing institutions that dont actually care about you they just care about numbers
and at the end of that we either have to go off to yet another place of the same format
or we can get a job
which for the vast majority means being making do with a job they hate, do not with to do and makes them utterly miserable
and for what?
so they can pay for shit with paper and metal discs
cause it's all just fucking stuff
and yeah i buy into it
but fucking hell
its meaningless
but the thing that gets to me above it all
is that all of this is decided for me
but i dont get to even decide what to do with my own fucking body
because fat is ugly
but thin is ugly
curves are good
but only this kind
dont be fat ew
and be pretty
but dont wear makeup
but wear makeup cause no one looks like this without it
so buy the stuff that costs £60 a bottle
and be funny
but also be cute
and dumb as balls
and dont think for yourself
and dont get tattoos
or cut your hair short
but make sure thats the only place on your whole body you have hair
because looking like a fucking child is sexy???
but also enjoy being sexually harrassed
but dont put out too easily because otherwise you're a whore
but also dont not put out because then you're a stuck up bitch
and dont like guy things because then you're a poser
but also like guy things because "what else are we gonna talk about babe?"
and dress like a fucking virgin
but also dress like a slut
but then take full responcibility when raped because you asked for it
and dont walk anywhere at night alone
or drink
or go out
or be at home
or anything really
unless you become antimatter you asked for it
oh and dont forget to get back in the kitchen while raising them kids wench
because what woman could want anything other than a life stuck at home
but then also
i get called freak
and judged because i choose to look how fucking well choose,
which so happens to be rather boyish
well fucking news flash
maybe i dont have a dick
but i make a better dude than 50% of the dudes i kow.
fucking hell
i just dont get it
there are all these rules
and fucking shit
and it just seems so pointless
like what do you get out of it?
what is the point?
because there really doesn't seem to be one
fucking hell
and im just so tired
because there is no help
it doesn't get better
it doesn't get easier
it doesn't go away
and i am always fucking alone
and that has been my worst fear since i was around 12
and here i am
alone
and scared
and fucking
dieing
and
no
one
cares
at
all
because no one cares to see
i dont understand
i wish i understood
but it just all feels so hopeless
and pointless
and i hate it
but for now i am tired and need to sleep
so i am going to go
also
i love my tablet
look at how long this rant has been now i have a working keyboard again!
right thats it from me
thanks yola
i think my mouth has stopped bleeding now
(i accidentally chewed through my cheek and its been bleeding for aaaages but it took my mind of my hands so at least they dont hurt as much now)
good lord im a mess
kill me
or cuddle me
god i need a hug
goodnight yola
maybe (hopefully) goodbye
