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Posted by bronwen wild on Friday, September 13, 2013
God fuck yola
just fuck
right
so thismorning
I had awful anxiety when i woke up, but i MADE myself get up and get ready and just everything was going wrong... well i say everything...and going wrong... it was more like I was VERY jumpy and and edge and things werent going as smoothly as possible and the final straw was me trying to put my ipod in my bag... the headphones stuck to the outside of the bag and i just couldnt... like I could have cried I was so frustrated... keeping in mind this was in the kitchen and my brother was there and i never do stuff like this in front of people....
never the fucking less
I crawl over to my shoes and while crying not to fucking cry put my shoes on and after a few seconds of mental prep get the fuck back up and get my stuff and head for the door
right so
lets just take a minute to think about that
I could have caved
I have caved under much less
but i fucking worked so.damn.hard. because padi wanted me to. I knew it wasnt going to do me good. And thats not me being pesemistic or whatever, I KNOW. god damn know, that my anxiety when it gets that bad triggers my depression, or more to the point me NEED to cut.
but anyway
so after all that
I missed the bus
by like a minute
and padi got pissed which is fair enough (to an point..)
and so he goes after the bus and i'm justt like "but the bus has gone and i dount we'll catch up with it...." and he gets pissed off again and then is like
"well then i'll just have to take you to college"
And my brain was like NONONONONONONONOn
mostly becuase I'd be getting there freakishly early... and I'd have to sit around awkwardly with James who is a fucking cunt for half an hour becuase he gets there at half 8 too...
and so padi got super mad
and just turned round and came home
and then wouldnt talk to me
so i ended crying for ages
and then went and apppologised to him
and like
it was super awkward
and he left
still cant decide if he was teling the truth when he said he left cause it was awkward or if my judgement was right and he went because he was upset...
but anyway
he then came into my room and we talked and huged and did the typical moving on joking thing and then things were fine and everything is fine
but its not though is it
and i dont know what to fucking do
becuase he is hell bent on my staying in college
and everything
but
fuck
christ
that wont be good for me
okay
right
and its not becauuse of the anxiety
and its not because i'll have no friends
yes they factor into it but i am not stupid and pathetic enough to let that chase me away from my future.
no
the problem is that the course isnt what i'd hoped it to be
and i guess i should have known it would be like this
but i was so caught up in the whole
" I'll learn tecniques from these people and build my portfoilio and it will be great"
To remember that this is a fashion course and the practical side of things will be a TINY portion of the course and I wont be able to study any of the areas of fashion i enjoy because although I do like fashion, i admitedly like the more unusual side of fashion.
And I also can not draw
and I will not do life drawing
and its not becuase i dont want to see naked bodies
or any childish reasons like that
its because a situation like that would make me super uncomfortable and god i hate using this word now becuase people just roll their eyes at it but anxious.
Any sort oof embarrassing or uncomfortable environment triggers my anxiety like no tomorrow.
and again yes
its only one part of a much larger course
but all these little bits are adding up too a much bigger bit
and they seem to expect you to have endless fucking money
becuse we had to pay £150 studio fees
but still we have to buy fabric sicors, a scetch book, pencils, paint brishes, water colours, a A3 art book, subscriptions to fashion magazines, and we have to buy something 80's inspired by tuesday.... HOW exactly am I meant to do that when I live 10 miles away from anything remotly considered not a field?
I dont know
I just
this course
isnt what I wanted it to be
isnt what i need it to be
and I just
I struggle to find the drive to want to push myself to suffer through the depression and anxiety going to college will cause, when I wont be getting any sort of joy, or fufilment from the course, it will not be helping me towards my future, i will just be unhappy, or dead, becuase well, I havent been this suicidal in.... a long time... I dont even know when.... I dont remember the last time I left REALLY suicidal like I do at the moment
although, i also cant remember what I had for dinner yesterday so thats not exactly saying much
but you get the point
or whatever
fuck
i dont know
like
i just
it seems like an awful lot of suffering
but not a lot of gain
Is it this hard for everyone else?
because if it is why do they make it look so easy?
how do they do this?
now if you excuse me im going to go listen to G Dragon and sleep
Becuase GD is my new prince and I love him and feel bad that although I've liked him and BB for quite a while I've never really paid him much attention, but oh my god Jiyong you sexy motherfucker I am sorry for that because you are prefect. and I dont even like all your songs that much, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the three newst singles though, and a lot of your stuff and Big Bang.... Ugh just Kwon Ji Yong, I love you and I shall do so forever more because you are perfect... but i may still dedicate most of my life to vixx,... but you can understand riight? You're in korea's second biggest entertainment agency, in one of Asia's biggest groups and are one of Korea's best solo artists and are starting to break out into america...whereas vixx are in a baby company, have never won anything yet (stupid exo always having combacks when vixx do so they always get over looked (they came like third once shut up) and although they've been to Kcon and shit... they are only a Rookie group so they need my love more than you do... But never fear, you are now in my tied top three of love with VIXX and my FT babies (no one will ever beat them soz lol but they are just too perfect)
Anyway
so yes
I love Kwon Ji Yong
And I am going to go sleep now
so nighty night
and I am so proud of GD for winning M count down tonight with Black (and his performance or crooked was amazing)
xxxxxxxxxx
just fuck
right
so thismorning
I had awful anxiety when i woke up, but i MADE myself get up and get ready and just everything was going wrong... well i say everything...and going wrong... it was more like I was VERY jumpy and and edge and things werent going as smoothly as possible and the final straw was me trying to put my ipod in my bag... the headphones stuck to the outside of the bag and i just couldnt... like I could have cried I was so frustrated... keeping in mind this was in the kitchen and my brother was there and i never do stuff like this in front of people....
never the fucking less
I crawl over to my shoes and while crying not to fucking cry put my shoes on and after a few seconds of mental prep get the fuck back up and get my stuff and head for the door
right so
lets just take a minute to think about that
I could have caved
I have caved under much less
but i fucking worked so.damn.hard. because padi wanted me to. I knew it wasnt going to do me good. And thats not me being pesemistic or whatever, I KNOW. god damn know, that my anxiety when it gets that bad triggers my depression, or more to the point me NEED to cut.
but anyway
so after all that
I missed the bus
by like a minute
and padi got pissed which is fair enough (to an point..)
and so he goes after the bus and i'm justt like "but the bus has gone and i dount we'll catch up with it...." and he gets pissed off again and then is like
"well then i'll just have to take you to college"
And my brain was like NONONONONONONONOn
mostly becuase I'd be getting there freakishly early... and I'd have to sit around awkwardly with James who is a fucking cunt for half an hour becuase he gets there at half 8 too...
and so padi got super mad
and just turned round and came home
and then wouldnt talk to me
so i ended crying for ages
and then went and apppologised to him
and like
it was super awkward
and he left
still cant decide if he was teling the truth when he said he left cause it was awkward or if my judgement was right and he went because he was upset...
but anyway
he then came into my room and we talked and huged and did the typical moving on joking thing and then things were fine and everything is fine
but its not though is it
and i dont know what to fucking do
becuase he is hell bent on my staying in college
and everything
but
fuck
christ
that wont be good for me
okay
right
and its not becauuse of the anxiety
and its not because i'll have no friends
yes they factor into it but i am not stupid and pathetic enough to let that chase me away from my future.
no
the problem is that the course isnt what i'd hoped it to be
and i guess i should have known it would be like this
but i was so caught up in the whole
" I'll learn tecniques from these people and build my portfoilio and it will be great"
To remember that this is a fashion course and the practical side of things will be a TINY portion of the course and I wont be able to study any of the areas of fashion i enjoy because although I do like fashion, i admitedly like the more unusual side of fashion.
And I also can not draw
and I will not do life drawing
and its not becuase i dont want to see naked bodies
or any childish reasons like that
its because a situation like that would make me super uncomfortable and god i hate using this word now becuase people just roll their eyes at it but anxious.
Any sort oof embarrassing or uncomfortable environment triggers my anxiety like no tomorrow.
and again yes
its only one part of a much larger course
but all these little bits are adding up too a much bigger bit
and they seem to expect you to have endless fucking money
becuse we had to pay £150 studio fees
but still we have to buy fabric sicors, a scetch book, pencils, paint brishes, water colours, a A3 art book, subscriptions to fashion magazines, and we have to buy something 80's inspired by tuesday.... HOW exactly am I meant to do that when I live 10 miles away from anything remotly considered not a field?
I dont know
I just
this course
isnt what I wanted it to be
isnt what i need it to be
and I just
I struggle to find the drive to want to push myself to suffer through the depression and anxiety going to college will cause, when I wont be getting any sort of joy, or fufilment from the course, it will not be helping me towards my future, i will just be unhappy, or dead, becuase well, I havent been this suicidal in.... a long time... I dont even know when.... I dont remember the last time I left REALLY suicidal like I do at the moment
although, i also cant remember what I had for dinner yesterday so thats not exactly saying much
but you get the point
or whatever
fuck
i dont know
like
i just
it seems like an awful lot of suffering
but not a lot of gain
Is it this hard for everyone else?
because if it is why do they make it look so easy?
how do they do this?
now if you excuse me im going to go listen to G Dragon and sleep
Becuase GD is my new prince and I love him and feel bad that although I've liked him and BB for quite a while I've never really paid him much attention, but oh my god Jiyong you sexy motherfucker I am sorry for that because you are prefect. and I dont even like all your songs that much, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the three newst singles though, and a lot of your stuff and Big Bang.... Ugh just Kwon Ji Yong, I love you and I shall do so forever more because you are perfect... but i may still dedicate most of my life to vixx,... but you can understand riight? You're in korea's second biggest entertainment agency, in one of Asia's biggest groups and are one of Korea's best solo artists and are starting to break out into america...whereas vixx are in a baby company, have never won anything yet (stupid exo always having combacks when vixx do so they always get over looked (they came like third once shut up) and although they've been to Kcon and shit... they are only a Rookie group so they need my love more than you do... But never fear, you are now in my tied top three of love with VIXX and my FT babies (no one will ever beat them soz lol but they are just too perfect)
Anyway
so yes
I love Kwon Ji Yong
And I am going to go sleep now
so nighty night
and I am so proud of GD for winning M count down tonight with Black (and his performance or crooked was amazing)
xxxxxxxxxx
