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Posted by bronwen wild on Sunday, September 8, 2013
Ha so hay
finished my first week of college
it was... in a word... hell
like
the girls are nice (and the two guys)
but they're.... typical 16-20 year old girls.
and I do not fit into that catagory
They would never wish to be friends with me or have conversations about anything none college/work related
And in turn I feel exactly the same way towards them
I like all of them
They might not return that
but still...they're okay
theres one lady ylande (i think thats how you spellher name i have no fuckin idea tbh) but shes really nice and i hang out with her, which is cool... but like shes 44 and married... so yeah.
so friends are not looking likely... since this is an art college and apparently only really pretty girly girls and like bitchy untouchable popular looking guys go to art colleges.
so I litterally stick out wherever i go.
which is fun!
but the worst part is the anxiety
because as i've mentioned before when in public places or with people i dont really know my anxiety manifests in weird ways.
the newst way being that i like chew on my lip and like click my jaw... which is fine untill its later that day or the next day and my jaw is swolen and my lip wont stop bleeding and im a fucking mess and it hurts to talk
but on top of that i still get stomach pain and the shakes and a tight chest and i chew my nails down until they are raw or bleed... whichever comes first... and yeah... that sucks
never mind that anixety is horrible and makes me hugly self concious and ends with me loathing myself i am actually causing myself bodily harm... and i dont even notice im doing it... its just like all of a sudden i'll taste blood... or realise that my jaw hurts...
and well... that cant be good right?
because this has to be like a less obvious form of self harm
and im not even aware im doing it
the last time i cut and wasn't aware i was doing it I ended up almost slicing through a vein and was bleeding for hours... and its those scars on my wrists that are the ones that always make people uncomfotable... the ones on my arms may be bigger.... but the ones on my wrist were deeper and are in a much scarier place... they bled for so fucking long and I dont even remember picking up the blade... I just remember suddenly like almost waking up and there i was sat with blood actually dripping onto the carpet.
So what if that happens again?
because i always know where i have blades
so if i can fuck my mouth up enough that three fuckin days later it still hurts to talk
then what will it be like next week when the otheres all start coming back?
god i dont know if i can handle this
because my depression has sky rocketed as well
because like
this course is going to be hard and it is going to be hell
and i dont think im cut out for it
and i dont think its what i wanted it to be
and i really dont think im going to fit in at all
and i dont think i can face another year let alone two years of being alone every day watching people judge me and laugh behind my back as i have to pretend im indifferent to being entirely alone
because being alone is a huge fear of mine
and the only reason i survived friday (considering i was crying in the car and had a pretty massive anxiety attack) was because I was Nick on the bus... and it was just so relaxing seeing someone so familiar that my anxiety just cooled right off.
I mean... I dread to think how awful I looked to him
but oh well :3
Considering Im an overweight dude stuck in a chicks body and am in desperate need of a hair cut and the balls to actually wear my binder im not too fuckin bothered about what anyone thinks
let alone nick
gyah
i dont know
im very scared
and very worried
and very confused
and very suicidal
and very not suicidal
and it all just hurts and is hard and im tired of it being hard because i dont understand why everything has to be so fucking hard and why its so bad to like things and why the things you like or the things you choose to wear or do to your hair and skin change how you are as a person... like i get that not everyone is going to like everyone... but I dont get why everyone is so quick to hate anything that isnt the same... i dont get it and i try really hard to stay open minded... and eaqual and level and just open...
but at the same time im a gender queer possibly trans guy who is pansexual that just loves jeans and t-shirts because its cheep and you can change who you are just by chaging what shirt you're wearing... because one day I can be a SHAWOL and tell the world that I love key and SHINee is a band I love... but other days I can wear my totoro shirt and say i love studio ghibly, or I can wear my Cap shirt and tell the world... HEY i fuckin love comics and Cap is my second favorite super hero, third favorite if you count Deadpool, but hes not exactly a hero now is he?
and I love clothes, i love dresses an suits and costumes and I love styles and matching outfits and matching colours and colour statments and big hair and dramatic hair and impact eye makeup and I fucking love all of it
just not on me
so dont look at me like i dont belong on a fashion course just because i dont fuck around in the mornings with my makeup and i like wearing t-shirts and jeans
because good lord... I LOVE fashion... I love unusual fashion and clasic fashion and retro fashion and like rockabiliy fashion and I love looking at fashion and at clothes because its art and models are the artwork and its just fucking beautiful okay?
And I love cosplay for many of the same reasons
however I love cosplay a lot more and for many other reasons besides
but yes
but i dont know if i can stick out on a course where my tutors as well as my peers look at me like I dont belong and like I shouldnt be there
i dont know yola
and do you know what?
im tired of not having friends I cn talk to about this shit
like because
dylan i wouldnt want too
he is my "going out, having fun, and forgetting" friend. He is amazing and I love our friendship exactly how it is.
but like, kelly, or Gina or jake or well no i've run out of friends now.. I wish I could talk to them about stuff
because gina talks to me about her problems
but doesnt care about mine
which is fine I guess
like I dont reallly like talking about my problems
I just kind of wish that at the times when I do actually try to reach of for help
That I wasn't soort of.... ignored? side stepped?
because
i kind of feel like this all wouldnt hurt or bother me as much
if i had someone who cared
and listened
and who I felt actually well cared
or would miss me
or just wouldnt resent me for being unhappy... because I feel like no one really wants me.. and that hurts....
well anyway
goodnight yola
its been grand talking to you
night
finished my first week of college
it was... in a word... hell
like
the girls are nice (and the two guys)
but they're.... typical 16-20 year old girls.
and I do not fit into that catagory
They would never wish to be friends with me or have conversations about anything none college/work related
And in turn I feel exactly the same way towards them
I like all of them
They might not return that
but still...they're okay
theres one lady ylande (i think thats how you spellher name i have no fuckin idea tbh) but shes really nice and i hang out with her, which is cool... but like shes 44 and married... so yeah.
so friends are not looking likely... since this is an art college and apparently only really pretty girly girls and like bitchy untouchable popular looking guys go to art colleges.
so I litterally stick out wherever i go.
which is fun!
but the worst part is the anxiety
because as i've mentioned before when in public places or with people i dont really know my anxiety manifests in weird ways.
the newst way being that i like chew on my lip and like click my jaw... which is fine untill its later that day or the next day and my jaw is swolen and my lip wont stop bleeding and im a fucking mess and it hurts to talk
but on top of that i still get stomach pain and the shakes and a tight chest and i chew my nails down until they are raw or bleed... whichever comes first... and yeah... that sucks
never mind that anixety is horrible and makes me hugly self concious and ends with me loathing myself i am actually causing myself bodily harm... and i dont even notice im doing it... its just like all of a sudden i'll taste blood... or realise that my jaw hurts...
and well... that cant be good right?
because this has to be like a less obvious form of self harm
and im not even aware im doing it
the last time i cut and wasn't aware i was doing it I ended up almost slicing through a vein and was bleeding for hours... and its those scars on my wrists that are the ones that always make people uncomfotable... the ones on my arms may be bigger.... but the ones on my wrist were deeper and are in a much scarier place... they bled for so fucking long and I dont even remember picking up the blade... I just remember suddenly like almost waking up and there i was sat with blood actually dripping onto the carpet.
So what if that happens again?
because i always know where i have blades
so if i can fuck my mouth up enough that three fuckin days later it still hurts to talk
then what will it be like next week when the otheres all start coming back?
god i dont know if i can handle this
because my depression has sky rocketed as well
because like
this course is going to be hard and it is going to be hell
and i dont think im cut out for it
and i dont think its what i wanted it to be
and i really dont think im going to fit in at all
and i dont think i can face another year let alone two years of being alone every day watching people judge me and laugh behind my back as i have to pretend im indifferent to being entirely alone
because being alone is a huge fear of mine
and the only reason i survived friday (considering i was crying in the car and had a pretty massive anxiety attack) was because I was Nick on the bus... and it was just so relaxing seeing someone so familiar that my anxiety just cooled right off.
I mean... I dread to think how awful I looked to him
but oh well :3
Considering Im an overweight dude stuck in a chicks body and am in desperate need of a hair cut and the balls to actually wear my binder im not too fuckin bothered about what anyone thinks
let alone nick
gyah
i dont know
im very scared
and very worried
and very confused
and very suicidal
and very not suicidal
and it all just hurts and is hard and im tired of it being hard because i dont understand why everything has to be so fucking hard and why its so bad to like things and why the things you like or the things you choose to wear or do to your hair and skin change how you are as a person... like i get that not everyone is going to like everyone... but I dont get why everyone is so quick to hate anything that isnt the same... i dont get it and i try really hard to stay open minded... and eaqual and level and just open...
but at the same time im a gender queer possibly trans guy who is pansexual that just loves jeans and t-shirts because its cheep and you can change who you are just by chaging what shirt you're wearing... because one day I can be a SHAWOL and tell the world that I love key and SHINee is a band I love... but other days I can wear my totoro shirt and say i love studio ghibly, or I can wear my Cap shirt and tell the world... HEY i fuckin love comics and Cap is my second favorite super hero, third favorite if you count Deadpool, but hes not exactly a hero now is he?
and I love clothes, i love dresses an suits and costumes and I love styles and matching outfits and matching colours and colour statments and big hair and dramatic hair and impact eye makeup and I fucking love all of it
just not on me
so dont look at me like i dont belong on a fashion course just because i dont fuck around in the mornings with my makeup and i like wearing t-shirts and jeans
because good lord... I LOVE fashion... I love unusual fashion and clasic fashion and retro fashion and like rockabiliy fashion and I love looking at fashion and at clothes because its art and models are the artwork and its just fucking beautiful okay?
And I love cosplay for many of the same reasons
however I love cosplay a lot more and for many other reasons besides
but yes
but i dont know if i can stick out on a course where my tutors as well as my peers look at me like I dont belong and like I shouldnt be there
i dont know yola
and do you know what?
im tired of not having friends I cn talk to about this shit
like because
dylan i wouldnt want too
he is my "going out, having fun, and forgetting" friend. He is amazing and I love our friendship exactly how it is.
but like, kelly, or Gina or jake or well no i've run out of friends now.. I wish I could talk to them about stuff
because gina talks to me about her problems
but doesnt care about mine
which is fine I guess
like I dont reallly like talking about my problems
I just kind of wish that at the times when I do actually try to reach of for help
That I wasn't soort of.... ignored? side stepped?
because
i kind of feel like this all wouldnt hurt or bother me as much
if i had someone who cared
and listened
and who I felt actually well cared
or would miss me
or just wouldnt resent me for being unhappy... because I feel like no one really wants me.. and that hurts....
well anyway
goodnight yola
its been grand talking to you
night
