...

You know I forgot how much deep cuts hurt while they heal. Cause the ones on my legs didnt hurt much and the ones on my arms had been pretty pathetic but these, not bad... Safe to say my shoulders are well on their way to matching.
My anxiety is awful.
Its Rivaling how bad it was when I left school.
Like
Its awful
I didnt go in for my main course all last week
The thought alone, let alone the act of going (which resulted in me having a panic attack in the college car park, asking padi take me home and crying for most of the day) is horrific.
I just
I dont know how to describe it
Dread it
My thoughts hate me
And what with college being a time where im left alone with my thoughts with no real distraction
I
Its gets tough
I dont know what to do
my anxiety is killing me
but I dont know how to fight it, because all I seem to do is fight it..
And its not like the anxiety suddenly appears and I cant deal with it
or that when I get anxiety attacks I cant deal...
Its that sometimes its very much worse than normal and I dont have the tools to fight it.
Like when I wake up with it.
Its very hard to shake it cause im in that state from the get go, which makes it extra hard to grab hold of some rational thoughts...
And when im around people
Because you gets looks when you talk to yourself 
and very rarely are you somewhere quiet enough or void of people that you can close your eyes, breath deeply and count to, however high I need to go to get my breathing back and to make my chest relax again.
So if you combine lack of rational thought with both of those,
Well you end up with me now
Because
Well I dont like being depressed
I dont like self harm
and I dont like being crazy
So I hide from my anxiety
Cause that makes it less
and I can at least panic properly in my own room
I dont know what to do
I feel insane
Im flaking out again
and everything is going to hell
WHAT DO I DO?
FUCK
Kill me
goodnight yola