...

Do you get those moods where you dont want to sleep?
well im in one now
im kind of tired
but i dont want to sleep
in all honesty i want to go explore outside
but that requires trousers and shoes and thats a level of comitment i dont think i can reach right now
but i figure while im here i might as well talk to you about something
so
here goes

right, so you know, well maybe you dont ha, that im like supper indecisive...
well i thought of something toddaý
its less that im indecisive
its more that I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE AHET YATEHJSDDH HATE
the idea of being rude or coming across as rude
or being an inconveinience (good lord what even   is that spelling lololololo)
I just
when someone asks me "which would you prefer?"
my brain goes
without me even knowing most of the time
" it does not matter what i want, you need to be happy so i will let you decide so that iknow you are happy with this because i will be upset and very worried if you are not happy with this so long as you are happy i will manage to be at least content with whatevver you decide"
and people who do not make the decision make me very uncomfortable
because
how
do
i
know
if
your happpy
with
the
situation
if
you
will
not choose
of
my
god
choose
please
or i will die of worry 100% of the time
And i get it drives people mad
but im really not indecisive
im just
scared
which doesnt help at all
but
like
i really am not indecisive
i make the decision in my mind
after i've told you that im happy with whatever you want
and when it comes to things that will only affect me
im like
boom
on that
but as soon as another person will be affected even slightly
i just
i cant
i have to make them happy
or let them be happy rather
just happy
get what you want
do the thing you would like to do
i dont mind
because its easier than me being 4000% paraniod you hate me annd think im selfish and self centered and self obsessed and horrible and un-caring and just generally an unpleasent person who does not think of other or regard their thoughts, oppinions, wants, needs or wishes and simply does things for themself and disregards other people.
Even if its dumb stuff like
"what song shall we listen to"
or
"how much food would you like"
i dont even fucking know
i just have such a fear of people seeing me as greedy or rude or unpleasant in any way shape form it makes me ill with worry
and i mean if i jhave to suffer through this like 8000000000% throughout the day
and i dont count this as my anxiety
and i dont even let it bother me most of the time
or even spend time thinking about it
can you imagine how bad my anxiety is?
if the pains from that oveershaddow headaches that make it painful to breath because its too much of a movement and seeing any form of light is like stabbing myself with a fucking long sword through the eye
and also sun burns that blister instantly
i mean fuck
i could bearly even feel them
and i could mask the pain so freaking easily
and my anxiety was so bad that i didnt even feel it coming on
i was just siddenly burnt
and no one fucking knew
because i didnt want to bother them

and yet still people try to tel me my anxiety isnt all that bad
and that i should just try to face my fears
one day im gonna fuckin snap and im going to explain this shit to them
and then i'll fucking punch them in the stomache and in the head while making them face their worst nightmares while putting them in glasses that cut off a lot of their periferal vision which, if their anything like me will make them extreamly paranoid and feeling clostrophobic.
because fuck you
anyway i should sleep
or whatever
i dont knoow anymore
goodnight yola
good talk xoxox