...

So yesterday
I broke down really quite badly
cause like I was supposed to be going over my nan's house to get help with my cv
but then she sent a text like an hour before she ws meant to come oover saying she wasn't going to be able to come till after two
bearing in mind we'd made this arrangement a week before hand
but yes
and I was tired
I hadn't slept because I knew I wouldn't want to wake up so i was extra emotional due to lack of sleep
but i just had had enough
People, esspecially her are always telling me
"if you need anything, ever, just let me know"
and crap like that
they always spew it out
but no one really means it
because no one's ever really there for me
padi wouldn't help
dad wouldnt help
granny wouldnt help in the end either
even after she came to pick me up
my "friends" never ask what the reason is for my never being online anymore
even when I say sorry and tell them things are shit atm
and no
I dont want to tell them
I dont want them to know
they dont need to
but it would be nice if they asked...
you know?
I dont want the attention
I HATE FUCKING LOATH
when people worry about me
I cant stand it
because I feel awful
and im not worth it
and jusst dont
dear god please dont
but it would be nice if people could even pretend they care
even a little
or pretend they miss me
or
i dont know
gave me some tiny reason to stay
because i dont have one anymore
The only thing keeping me here is the fact that I'm just not suicidal enough
or rather
not, not afriad of death enough
so i guess im not depressed enough
because like
even though i have never really had this little reason to live
there's a little part of me that's like
"wait a lil longer"
Which is mad
but yes
but yesterday
I just
broke
because I realized that no one cares
and they all keep on asking me to stay
and telling me why i should
telling me people will miss me
or i;m loved
or people care about me
but
when no one hears from me for weeks, maybe months
they dont miss me
when it's my birthday no one goes out of their way to celebrate with me, or even tries to celebrate with me at all
when I am clearly sad no one is there for me
I have no one to turn to
and no one I woould want to
people do not care
and people do not love me
they doo not love me
they dont even love the idea of me
the people who may think they love me
like family
the people who are supposed to
family
they dont
they dont see me
they dont know me
no one knows me
around 3-4 people are closer to knowing me than the rest of the world
but i never see any of them
so please tell me
why am I here when no one will miss me?
Why am I here if no one wants me
no one needs me
no one loves me
or cares about me
or foor me m
when I do no good
when All i do is harm
When I have no point
no future
bringing only dissapointment and bother to the people around me
when I'm a fucked up little freak who can't just be a fucking girl like the rest of the fucking world
i'm a fucking head case loony nutter who is so alone the only 'person' I have to talk to is a fucking website
which apparently people read now
so not only am i an insane loser freak
but people actually read of can see all of my fucked up thoughs and my whiny ass writing
I have no use
no purpose
I am useless
and a fuckup
let down
dissapointment
there is no goood in me
I am not good at anything
I am not pretty
I am not smart
I am not tallented
I have nothing
nothing
to offer the world
I am not nice
I am not good
I am not kind
and I am not caring
I am not a good friend
and I am not a good sister
I am not a good person
I am selfish
and hatful
and discusting
i am lazy
and crazy
and anxxiety ridden to the balls
I can not talk to people
i can not function
there is no point to me
but yet people keep on telling me it would be selfish to kill myself
I have so much to live for
people care
I doubt if ten people would turn up to my funeral
I dount if even that many people give a fuck
i can count my friends on one hand
I can count the amount of those I think would miss me on one finger
but she'd get over it soon enough
I used to say I wanted to die because it was all so hard
childish right?
it is hard though
and it makes me want to die
but I dont want to die anymore
II just dont have a reason to live
and llike im not some dumb teenager
I dont want love
I dont think that will fix everything
or anything
I dont want it
keep them away from me
I dont want to hurt anyone
and im too broken to love anyway
who'd want to love this train wreck anyway
There's a boy who i think likes me
but I hope he doesn't
or that my awkwardness finally pushes him away
because soo far it's been doing a good job
I'm so tired yola
I just want to learn korean and sleep
but it seems I cant do either of those things
night yola