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Hey yola
i've been feeling kind of empty again lately.
you wont remember me feeling like this. last time i felt like this it was.... gosh last time i was this alone it was 2007... and i had friends then... and was a dumb 11 year old. but in any case. this feeling is a pre mum's death feeling.
i used to have this sort of saying back then
"its never good enough"
and i kind of forgot about it for a while
but it seems to fit again.
well that and my forever mantra
"dont ever, and i mean never, get your hopes up."
and that goes for everything.
you hope for nothing
expect nothing
because at least that way you can pretend that the dissapointment doesnt bother you
but i dont know yola
in the past there's always been someone
like right at the beginning there was Enriko, and then there was the nurse at school and then Nikki then miss B, there's always been someone I could talk to, someone who, maybe I didnt tell everything to, but when things became a lot, i could trust enough.
but i dont have anyone anymore. i pushed everyone away. not that any of them were people i would have told anyway... but you know... at least they could have been here, if it werent for my pushing them away.
i like being alone, dont get me wrong. in the past the people i have trusted and loved have just let me down and hurt me, so i would rather not have to go through that pain again, because as peyton said in oth "everybody leaves" and i am yet to find en exception to that rule, well aside from padi, but to be fair he did leave me once.
i just
im struggling yola
because i feel so hopeless
im 18 but i have done nothing with my life
and i dont see myself doing anything with it that's  all that impressive in the near future either
im too insane for real life
but im scared to try to explain to people
because they never listen
no one ever listens
and im not very good at talking
i like o not be noticed
so in my head
and when i  type i am free
because no one sees it
no one hears it
when i write poems
and songs
and stories
and these stupid blog posts
no one sees them
no one is bothered by them
because i dont want to bother people
i am not worth their time
they dont need to worry about me
shouldnt worry about me
them being worried about me means i have failed
i am not worth it
and i really dont want them to
i hate surprises
and i hate people worrying about me
i hate making decisions that will impact on others as well
because i am not worth impacting them
i do not want to bother them in any way
whoever they are
i am not worth it
and i can not do it
so no, when someone asks if i'd like a drink, im not declining to be polite, im declining because accepting would mean you have to do something for me, and that would be bothersome for you.
i dont like bothering people and i dont like worrying them
but i somehow need them to understand the exstent of my anxiety and how insane i feel
because i feel so broken and so awfully hopeless and i just dont understand anything
so im lost
and alone
and have this weird writers block
i havent been able to write anything but these two songs for weeks.
i was told, when i was younger i was clever to have figured out that writing helps, but i cant help to think that maybe if they could see how much i write they would take it back.
because i have nearly 20 notebooks fulls of words and drawings, i have two blogs filled with posts, i have computers filled with word documents, i have scraps of paper hidden in shoe boxes
but stillno mattter how much i write i can never escape my head i can never write fast enough or for long enough to get it too shut up.
i can never write enough to feel less empty
and i can never write enough to make it stop
i can write and write until i have no words left
but its never enough
but yet still i try
because nothing else
nothing but him
has ever come close
but its just me now
so theres no point thinking about it
no point longing for someone to just love
because i am so fucking full of love
all i want is someone i can love
they dont have to love me back, not really
im used to it being one sided anyway
i just
there is so much love in my heart
so much desire to just care for the people i care for
but no one wants it
and it would be ugly to force it upon them
so i keep my distance and pretend to be a lot less affectionate than i am
although when drink the filter lifts a little
or when im worried
and it freaks people out
because when im worried i just i have a NEED to make things better
and also sometimes pet names will apear, but i mean i call everyone by pet names in my head, i just dont voice them, because again it makes people uncomfortable... i dont know...
this is coming out wrong
its making me sound clingy and werid
when I say all i want is for someone to love
i dont mean i want to like smother them or force it upon anyone, or like it could be, just "anyone"
And i dont like mean it in a creepy way either.
i dont know
i just like caring for people and making them feel happy and loved
when the people I care about are happy
i can feel at ease
and if they arent happy
I wish to make it okayy again
thats all i really mean
and i just wish for a person who, wouldnt mind, once is a while, being cared for, and being loved
thats what i mean, i jjust worded it badly before
i dont know
is that weird?
is that wrong?
i dont know?
that feels selfish?
is that selfish?
should I not wish for that?
i just want the people I care for to be happy

im sorry for going on and on yola
but my heart feels so heavy
and so empty
im not suicidal
but i see no point in living
i have no desire to self harm
but i would love for it to just fucking stop
i dont know what to do
i havent for years
and im scared
and have no one i can go to
all I have is kpop
and no one seems to get that
its the only thing that makes me happy
its the only thing that can calm me when i get bad
because I mean *I* can calm me.... but i cant keep me calm.... kpop can
it makes me smile
it helps me forget
its given me something too work towards
and think about
and smile about

im working hard
i am
im trying to understand
and fighting on despite it
im trying to not let my anxiety win
and im trying to find reasons to live
im trying to make myself happy
im trying
but i guess
this brings me back to the beginning
because
it's never good enough.