...

see,
for years my depression was a black and white sort of deal. 
"i am sad because...." 
"I am angry because..."
"I am lonely because..." 
But... 
things have become less black and white
in all sences 
like
I'm suicidal... but im not always unhappy 
I'm depressed but I dont always feel like shit 
I'm scared but not always full of anxiety 
My stomach hurts but not always 
I hate myself, but I can look in a mirror

it's dumb...
and i guess i know that
I just
i dont always feel awful
and thats new to me 

i've had good days before 
and good weeks 
but i've never had this like 
one minute im fine and danddy 
the next minute im desolate and right back to square one. 


i dont really get it, to be honest.. 
and i think i need help or something 
because i cant think straight
every minute there's some new feeling of doom 
some new reason to hate myself 
or some reminder of just how much I dislike the way my life is right now 
and its constant 
i never want to talk to anyone 
i never want to go anywhere 
i get anxiety like you wouldnt belive 
my belly pain is back 
i've been cutting 
and avoiding 
and lieing 
and noticing how little the people around me care 
and im so tired 
becuse they keep telling me im not aloud to kill myself 
but...
why is no one caring enough to stand by me?
you dont have to care 
thats not what im saying at all
just let me fucking die 
becuase my life is a cluster fuck of awful and confusion and pain 
and im just so fucking tired 
so just let me go
you dont get to care 
god yola 

i know none of this is making much sence 
i came here with a very different topic and shit in mind 
but fuck it 
this is where we ended up 
im so tired
soso tired 

i just want someone to 

listen?

yeah

they dont even have too care

i'd just like someone to listen

but oh well

night yola.