...

I was so in love with him

like wow

I got reminded of this profile picture he used to have and it was like the most emo thing ever but it was his identity on msn for a freaking lifetime and i wanted to know if he still had it on his facebook cause its always made me lol

and fuck man I just got struck with this feeling. Like i think its the first time since we broke up i've actually let myself look back.

Looking at him, seeing the him I knew  I was sort of hit with all these feelings from back then.

God i loved him.

I am proud to say I have no lingering feelings. I care for him as a friend and he will always be special because of who he is.... but my feelings have all been wrapped up. When I look at him now I feel happy that things seem better now. He seems happy with his girlfriend and uni and I hope he is, he deserves it.

And I dont really know what my point is
i just wanted to write something
because its odd
this sudden reminder of how much you loved someone
it wasn't bad though
its happy
its nice
because we didnt end well
he hurt me an awful lot
im kind of fucked up because of it
but he didnt mean to
hes a good kid
hes my Scotsman
And its just real fucking weird

I am also slightly terrified Im not going to feel like that about anyone else
but I think thats more because im convinced I'm a waste of space
and i mean
what with not knowing where the fuck I stand with my maybe girlfriend maybe not maybe who fucking knows what maybe i imagined the whole fucking thing
god fuck it

im sorry
im rambling aren't i?

things aren't great
im, not great
im actually bad
like real  bad
like
im scared bad
im suicidal bad
i feel so alone
bad

but its okay
and I'll see you soon okay yola?
because remember!
im not aloud to killmyself