november 23rd 2013
Posted by bronwen wild on Saturday, November 23, 2013
today, i am tired.
today, all seems lost.
today, i thought, like yesterday, talking to my friend, you know, doing what i always used to avoid, would help.
today, i was, like yesterday, wrong.
because although she is my best friend, i am not hers.
because although I am alone, she is not.
because she has Lucy and im just, me.
Im not angry at her.
Im angry at me.
well no.
im not even that
im just sad
and alone
and thinking of quitting
thinking its not worth it
thinking that it all just seems pointless
i mean one of the most iconic shows of the last ... three? four? generations has just been DESTROYED
what do I matter?
A girl was killed on her way home from an award show she went to to see her idols...
so what do I matter?
Me a fat emo who cant really do either, who lacks tallent, or charisma or smarts or friends, she who lacks looks and clothes and interests... she who can not hold a conversation and who lies through her teeth because lieing is easier than the truth. she who has fought depression and anxiety for as long as she can remember and has wished for death for even longer... this girl... who no one really remembers while shes alive... who would miss her dead?... what good could see bring... she will never be good enough... and she doesnt understand why anything less than enough is enough... she doesnt understand the hate and the hurt and the INSANITY that we have built for ourselves... and she most certainly doesnt understand why this... has to be it. Why this IS IT... when she was told to dream of so much more... when she had dreamed of so much more... but then her dreams were taken from her... her hopes but in cages and burned at her feet, long before she was old enough to know what it meant... long before she was old enough for anyone to to care... so why should she sit and waist away in a fate she knows she cant help but escape but allso cant help but not understand why the fuck it is that way. we look back through the ages... we call ourselves advanced, yet our history is just a map our many downfalls, the only good in the world is natural, the only beauty in this world is nature, we humans we do not build beauty, and we do not build good, we destory, and take, and hate, its all we're goood for. The only natural things we have we take and crush. This world makes no sense, and humans only make it worse. this life is destined to be painful and long and hard, full of dissapointments and hurt and pain.... full of death and crap jobs and letdowns, of the good things being bad for you and the bad things being good, it is of buying things to fill the emptyness of the spaces we build around ourselves, and to save ourselves from the torture of our lives, the lives we built, that we chose, and they tell us that is just life... but tell me... how comon is mental illness in other animals, if they can get cancer and heartattacks and broken bones.... surly like us their minds can get sick too... but we seem to be the only ones with a satistic on one in five, where ever 40 seconds someone comits suicide. I dont want to be part of that satistic, but I dont know how to avoid it. I dont want to die, but i dont see a way out, i just want it to stop because i get so tired, and it never goes away, never gives me aminute to just be okay, and it gets hard you know, to never be alright, to always be having to fight away your deamons even while struggling with the regular things. And i JUST DONT UNDERSTAND. this life, this world, these people. I dont get it, i dont get why this is what we chose for ourselves, i dont get whhy this is what we built.
I just want someone to explain to me why its worth it. Why we do it. Is it like this for everyone? Is there a reward? does it get better? because it doesnt look like it does. And i know im only young, but 17 years, and i havent had a good one yet.
and im just tired and alone and im a pack animal, humansare meant to have other humans around... but im alone and ill and no one cares.
It's getting harder to exist
and i just
dont
know
today, all seems lost.
today, i thought, like yesterday, talking to my friend, you know, doing what i always used to avoid, would help.
today, i was, like yesterday, wrong.
because although she is my best friend, i am not hers.
because although I am alone, she is not.
because she has Lucy and im just, me.
Im not angry at her.
Im angry at me.
well no.
im not even that
im just sad
and alone
and thinking of quitting
thinking its not worth it
thinking that it all just seems pointless
i mean one of the most iconic shows of the last ... three? four? generations has just been DESTROYED
what do I matter?
A girl was killed on her way home from an award show she went to to see her idols...
so what do I matter?
Me a fat emo who cant really do either, who lacks tallent, or charisma or smarts or friends, she who lacks looks and clothes and interests... she who can not hold a conversation and who lies through her teeth because lieing is easier than the truth. she who has fought depression and anxiety for as long as she can remember and has wished for death for even longer... this girl... who no one really remembers while shes alive... who would miss her dead?... what good could see bring... she will never be good enough... and she doesnt understand why anything less than enough is enough... she doesnt understand the hate and the hurt and the INSANITY that we have built for ourselves... and she most certainly doesnt understand why this... has to be it. Why this IS IT... when she was told to dream of so much more... when she had dreamed of so much more... but then her dreams were taken from her... her hopes but in cages and burned at her feet, long before she was old enough to know what it meant... long before she was old enough for anyone to to care... so why should she sit and waist away in a fate she knows she cant help but escape but allso cant help but not understand why the fuck it is that way. we look back through the ages... we call ourselves advanced, yet our history is just a map our many downfalls, the only good in the world is natural, the only beauty in this world is nature, we humans we do not build beauty, and we do not build good, we destory, and take, and hate, its all we're goood for. The only natural things we have we take and crush. This world makes no sense, and humans only make it worse. this life is destined to be painful and long and hard, full of dissapointments and hurt and pain.... full of death and crap jobs and letdowns, of the good things being bad for you and the bad things being good, it is of buying things to fill the emptyness of the spaces we build around ourselves, and to save ourselves from the torture of our lives, the lives we built, that we chose, and they tell us that is just life... but tell me... how comon is mental illness in other animals, if they can get cancer and heartattacks and broken bones.... surly like us their minds can get sick too... but we seem to be the only ones with a satistic on one in five, where ever 40 seconds someone comits suicide. I dont want to be part of that satistic, but I dont know how to avoid it. I dont want to die, but i dont see a way out, i just want it to stop because i get so tired, and it never goes away, never gives me aminute to just be okay, and it gets hard you know, to never be alright, to always be having to fight away your deamons even while struggling with the regular things. And i JUST DONT UNDERSTAND. this life, this world, these people. I dont get it, i dont get why this is what we chose for ourselves, i dont get whhy this is what we built.
I just want someone to explain to me why its worth it. Why we do it. Is it like this for everyone? Is there a reward? does it get better? because it doesnt look like it does. And i know im only young, but 17 years, and i havent had a good one yet.
and im just tired and alone and im a pack animal, humansare meant to have other humans around... but im alone and ill and no one cares.
It's getting harder to exist
and i just
dont
know
