kill me
Posted by bronwen wild on Thursday, December 13, 2012
Hello yola
God
there are so many good things I could be talking to you aabout
But thanks to a stupid email from college
I would like to talk to you about anxiety.
You see, I have missed... like three thursdays since the start of term.. which is too many according to marion and thats fine, but it bugged me she felt she needed to send an email instead of talking to me
Mostly because the reason i've missed all of the days i have this year have been due to waking up aand just not being able to faace it.
I wake up aand my stomach hurts. My heart races and my head spins,
And im shouting at myself because I need to be in.
yet, there I aam in bed nearly crying, hardly breathing
just waanting to sleep and for it to be tomorrow so i can try again
And it is only on those days, the days where I wake up like it that i give in to it and dont go in
The rest of the time i do go and I do get through it
but on the days where I wake up like it theres no point
Because my anxiety triggers my depression something awful
I found myself the other day while really bad jumping at every car that went past and then wondering if they were going fast enough to kill me, and later out of sheer not giving a fuck took like 6 ibuprofen for a headache/ stomach ache.
Its nothing HUGE and not like how it used to be
but its what triggers me to cut
and what almost made me the other week
and the irony is they wont give me pills to help it because "they might make me depressed"
Depression I can deal with
anxiety I cant
its too much
And college is hard
because Im all alone
I look weird
Im fat
And theres no one to take my mind of things
No one to talk to
nothing to distract me from the demons
Just me
all day
every
day
aalone
aalone
aaalone
And by thursday/ fridaay im exhausted
And sometimes Im so tired and so fucking scared that I wake up like it
But no one caares about anxiety because you cant see it
Not until im a broken mess which i never let people see
Which is why it turns to depression becaause aaalll the little demons turn in on me aaand themselves
Whispering
And worrying
and reminding
THERES ALWAYS SOMETHING
never rest
no peace
Nope
never
and so my hands shake
Heart races
Palms sweat
Head spins
skin crawls
Mind races
Knees weaken
Breath shortens
Eyes water
Body twitches
Chest tightens
While the mindless panic sets in
Voice lost
As the anger and self hate
mix with the fear
SCREAMING
Run
Run
Run
Run
Run
Or die
Sleepless nights
with restless days
I twitch a tick
With my lack of breath thats all too quick
Bight my cheek, chew my lip, Chew my nails, fiddle with my hands, follow the same routines over and over
Try and get it perfect so there are no surprises,
So that maybe my belly wont hurt as much today
because I lied
It got better yeah
But it hurts again
just as bad as before
Still makes me feel just as sick
just as tired
makes it just as hard to move
but this time I have to work through it
because nothing makes it better
It sucks being this alone and this fucked up
I wish I saw Kellie more
Because I dont think she knows how much it means to me that she took me in as a friend and is like
A friend
because these days
shes the best one I have
and I only see her once a week
Which sucks
Shes my one friend that I have in college... and really anywhere
kill me
please
im so tired
kill me
God
there are so many good things I could be talking to you aabout
But thanks to a stupid email from college
I would like to talk to you about anxiety.
You see, I have missed... like three thursdays since the start of term.. which is too many according to marion and thats fine, but it bugged me she felt she needed to send an email instead of talking to me
Mostly because the reason i've missed all of the days i have this year have been due to waking up aand just not being able to faace it.
I wake up aand my stomach hurts. My heart races and my head spins,
And im shouting at myself because I need to be in.
yet, there I aam in bed nearly crying, hardly breathing
just waanting to sleep and for it to be tomorrow so i can try again
And it is only on those days, the days where I wake up like it that i give in to it and dont go in
The rest of the time i do go and I do get through it
but on the days where I wake up like it theres no point
Because my anxiety triggers my depression something awful
I found myself the other day while really bad jumping at every car that went past and then wondering if they were going fast enough to kill me, and later out of sheer not giving a fuck took like 6 ibuprofen for a headache/ stomach ache.
Its nothing HUGE and not like how it used to be
but its what triggers me to cut
and what almost made me the other week
and the irony is they wont give me pills to help it because "they might make me depressed"
Depression I can deal with
anxiety I cant
its too much
And college is hard
because Im all alone
I look weird
Im fat
And theres no one to take my mind of things
No one to talk to
nothing to distract me from the demons
Just me
all day
every
day
aalone
aalone
aaalone
And by thursday/ fridaay im exhausted
And sometimes Im so tired and so fucking scared that I wake up like it
But no one caares about anxiety because you cant see it
Not until im a broken mess which i never let people see
Which is why it turns to depression becaause aaalll the little demons turn in on me aaand themselves
Whispering
And worrying
and reminding
THERES ALWAYS SOMETHING
never rest
no peace
Nope
never
and so my hands shake
Heart races
Palms sweat
Head spins
skin crawls
Mind races
Knees weaken
Breath shortens
Eyes water
Body twitches
Chest tightens
While the mindless panic sets in
Voice lost
As the anger and self hate
mix with the fear
SCREAMING
Run
Run
Run
Run
Run
Or die
Sleepless nights
with restless days
I twitch a tick
With my lack of breath thats all too quick
Bight my cheek, chew my lip, Chew my nails, fiddle with my hands, follow the same routines over and over
Try and get it perfect so there are no surprises,
So that maybe my belly wont hurt as much today
because I lied
It got better yeah
But it hurts again
just as bad as before
Still makes me feel just as sick
just as tired
makes it just as hard to move
but this time I have to work through it
because nothing makes it better
It sucks being this alone and this fucked up
I wish I saw Kellie more
Because I dont think she knows how much it means to me that she took me in as a friend and is like
A friend
because these days
shes the best one I have
and I only see her once a week
Which sucks
Shes my one friend that I have in college... and really anywhere
kill me
please
im so tired
kill me
