its long and incoherent. But I've finnaly written it! *gold star for me*
Posted by bronwen wild on Sunday, July 1, 2012
This is really long...and probably doesnt make much coherent sense and im sorry for that. but at least this is now out in words.
Hey yola.
so, my panic has died down now
And my thoughts are less
ASHFP:PGBYFGHKLDFGHUKL:FGHKHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELP!!!
So I came to tell you whats been going on with me
since I kinda feel totally at peace with this now
Well no
cause I mean its only been like a week since I started putting a voice and a name to this shit
So its still scary as fuck and i dont totally understand it yet, or what it means or what that means will lay ahead of me
But I'm not scared of it anymore
And I dont hate it
Im scared what people will think
Or what im going to do
But im not scared of it anymore
So here goes
For a long time I haven't felt right with myself. Something was off. I always put it down to being ugly, and fat. Or cause I was too stupid.. or my hair was too frizzy and too blonde, or I was just depressed or I was just going through a faze. But how can a faze last as long as you can remember?
Sure I went through the "tom boy faze" And everyone thought I grew out of it.
Cause I was such a fucking princess when I was little, blonde curls a princess dress and wings. I was a girl. A girly girl at that.
So at like 7 I hit my tomboy faze which lasted until i was around... 13-14 and I started trying to act more like a girl. Because everyone else was. I mean I didn't own makeup, or a dress, or even a skirt. I wore baggy jeans and tee shirts. and my hair lived however the fuck it wanted to. But People like expected me to become more girly so I did. It was weird but I did. And then for the past two years. Yeah my natural girlishness has increased. I do like girly things. But a lot of it is still an act.
And before last week I'd totally ignored it
I'd pushed it back telling it to shut up
And now I look back I know I was. I didnt know at the time though
And last week I had a thought.
Which was
Why if my entire life i've found girls more attractive has the term lesbian never seemed to fit?
And my brain being the helpful fuck it is went
Oh your just probably bi
Which yeah I am
But ya know
Not the point here
It doesnt feel right
Which lead to the question
Well why the fuck not?
And then I thought
the term gay fits
but then i realized what gender I pictured when I said gay
And well I flipped shit basically
Cause if im a girl how can it be gay to like guys?
And so I did some googling
And looked into being Bi-gender and androgynous, neither really fit. Though out of the two at the moment im definitely more bi-gender.
and then I remembered stuff twinfools (lucas) had said about how he realized he was trans...and how he worked it out.
You have to strip everything away. Clothes, Friends, Family, Likes,Dislikes, everything untill what you're left with is just you
Or something to that effect is what he said
And what I found was a confused ass.....
......something
I had no clue
I mean there was no fucking way im a guy right?
I mean, i wear skirts and had a boyfriend and you know... am a girl
So wtf were these thoughts even doing here?!
But after initial panic died down I thought about it
and then got scared so watched all of twins transition videos to help to just understand
And I watched a few of this other guys videos
And they helped a lot
And they helped me straighten things out
Im not trans... But I might be. I feel male.
I dont like my female name, it feels weird to hear it and say it. has done for years.
I dont like my female body, and its not in a "its ugly" way. The past few days even since starting to understand this shit. I've looked in the mirror and thought. That girl, shes kinda pretty, and you know a bit pudgy but she looks fine....Who is she? Cause its not me. I jut dont like it. I dont like having boobs or curves or long hair. any of it.
Female pronouns sound odd to me
I had to fill in my ema form yesterday
and on the gender section I honest to god nearly ticked male cause I forgot
I dont really know what this means
or what to do with it
Cause its fucking scary
and I dont know how the fuck people are going to take it
But there it is
I feel like im male. Always have in some way.
And I want people to see me as male
and call me by a male name and male pronouns
But but but but but!
this is all new to me
and I dont want to rush into this
so I'm thinking of trying it out
maybe being more androgynous than anything else
Maybe getting some guy clothes
and getting a binder (i really fucking want one)
And just i dunno trying it out
Cause right now it makes sense but it doesnt
and its all jumbled up
and im terrified of how people will take it
And have for he most part of the past week been trying to convince myself to just continue as if nothing ever happened and that things are still normal.
But I couldn't forget.
Now i understand this shit
its like to ignore it would kill me
Im happier for understanding
and my belly has hurt less ( I have theories as to why)
And now i've stopped resenting it quite so much ( OH i still hate this, i mean Why the fuck cant i just be a nice normal GIRL!? but yeah resenting a little..TINY bit less....) it all makes sense
okay so it's kinda a big deal I finally balled up and wrote this. I've tried in so many different ways over the past two days to write this.
And if anyone ever reads this its going to look like im rushing into this. And i a little... but in other ways im going into this so slowly its driving me mad.
Im sorry this is so long
I didnt mean for it to be at all
Okay so im going to go
(*is secretly really proud of self for writing this*)
Bye yola.
Hey yola.
so, my panic has died down now
And my thoughts are less
ASHFP:PGBYFGHKLDFGHUKL:FGHKHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELP!!!
So I came to tell you whats been going on with me
since I kinda feel totally at peace with this now
Well no
cause I mean its only been like a week since I started putting a voice and a name to this shit
So its still scary as fuck and i dont totally understand it yet, or what it means or what that means will lay ahead of me
But I'm not scared of it anymore
And I dont hate it
Im scared what people will think
Or what im going to do
But im not scared of it anymore
So here goes
For a long time I haven't felt right with myself. Something was off. I always put it down to being ugly, and fat. Or cause I was too stupid.. or my hair was too frizzy and too blonde, or I was just depressed or I was just going through a faze. But how can a faze last as long as you can remember?
Sure I went through the "tom boy faze" And everyone thought I grew out of it.
Cause I was such a fucking princess when I was little, blonde curls a princess dress and wings. I was a girl. A girly girl at that.
So at like 7 I hit my tomboy faze which lasted until i was around... 13-14 and I started trying to act more like a girl. Because everyone else was. I mean I didn't own makeup, or a dress, or even a skirt. I wore baggy jeans and tee shirts. and my hair lived however the fuck it wanted to. But People like expected me to become more girly so I did. It was weird but I did. And then for the past two years. Yeah my natural girlishness has increased. I do like girly things. But a lot of it is still an act.
And before last week I'd totally ignored it
I'd pushed it back telling it to shut up
And now I look back I know I was. I didnt know at the time though
And last week I had a thought.
Which was
Why if my entire life i've found girls more attractive has the term lesbian never seemed to fit?
And my brain being the helpful fuck it is went
Oh your just probably bi
Which yeah I am
But ya know
Not the point here
It doesnt feel right
Which lead to the question
Well why the fuck not?
And then I thought
the term gay fits
but then i realized what gender I pictured when I said gay
And well I flipped shit basically
Cause if im a girl how can it be gay to like guys?
And so I did some googling
And looked into being Bi-gender and androgynous, neither really fit. Though out of the two at the moment im definitely more bi-gender.
and then I remembered stuff twinfools (lucas) had said about how he realized he was trans...and how he worked it out.
You have to strip everything away. Clothes, Friends, Family, Likes,Dislikes, everything untill what you're left with is just you
Or something to that effect is what he said
And what I found was a confused ass.....
......something
I had no clue
I mean there was no fucking way im a guy right?
I mean, i wear skirts and had a boyfriend and you know... am a girl
So wtf were these thoughts even doing here?!
But after initial panic died down I thought about it
and then got scared so watched all of twins transition videos to help to just understand
And I watched a few of this other guys videos
And they helped a lot
And they helped me straighten things out
Im not trans... But I might be. I feel male.
I dont like my female name, it feels weird to hear it and say it. has done for years.
I dont like my female body, and its not in a "its ugly" way. The past few days even since starting to understand this shit. I've looked in the mirror and thought. That girl, shes kinda pretty, and you know a bit pudgy but she looks fine....Who is she? Cause its not me. I jut dont like it. I dont like having boobs or curves or long hair. any of it.
Female pronouns sound odd to me
I had to fill in my ema form yesterday
and on the gender section I honest to god nearly ticked male cause I forgot
I dont really know what this means
or what to do with it
Cause its fucking scary
and I dont know how the fuck people are going to take it
But there it is
I feel like im male. Always have in some way.
And I want people to see me as male
and call me by a male name and male pronouns
But but but but but!
this is all new to me
and I dont want to rush into this
so I'm thinking of trying it out
maybe being more androgynous than anything else
Maybe getting some guy clothes
and getting a binder (i really fucking want one)
And just i dunno trying it out
Cause right now it makes sense but it doesnt
and its all jumbled up
and im terrified of how people will take it
And have for he most part of the past week been trying to convince myself to just continue as if nothing ever happened and that things are still normal.
But I couldn't forget.
Now i understand this shit
its like to ignore it would kill me
Im happier for understanding
and my belly has hurt less ( I have theories as to why)
And now i've stopped resenting it quite so much ( OH i still hate this, i mean Why the fuck cant i just be a nice normal GIRL!? but yeah resenting a little..TINY bit less....) it all makes sense
okay so it's kinda a big deal I finally balled up and wrote this. I've tried in so many different ways over the past two days to write this.
And if anyone ever reads this its going to look like im rushing into this. And i a little... but in other ways im going into this so slowly its driving me mad.
Im sorry this is so long
I didnt mean for it to be at all
Okay so im going to go
(*is secretly really proud of self for writing this*)
Bye yola.
