iohhv
Posted by bronwen wild on Friday, October 18, 2013
So, people actually read this now
and by people I mean more than the none I am used to
I'mm not sure what's changed
but it's weird
this used to just be me talking to myself
but now people are actually seeing this
for some unknown reason
like
im just a whiny teenager
why are you here??
read a book or some fanfic
speaking of fanfic
I write that now
lord knows why
And my most successful one has like 23 subscribers and like 800 views
which is pretty impressive to me
lord
I wonder if I know anyone that reads this
although if you do know me and read about how I want to kill myself all the fucking time and dont do anything
please note that you're a bit of a shit person
feel free to continue reading
but
know you're a little bit terrible
also
I dont know if I should keep writing here
you know
if people are reading this
it seems odd
like shouting diray entires out of a window
but I mean
I've been posting this shit out in the open on the internet for around two years
what did i expect right?
just, no one's ever really read it before
which makes me wonder what has changed
but also makes me wonder why people are here
its not like I say anything interesting
I just come here to bitch when everything gets too much
which is often
because i have no where else to go
litterally
i am stuck in these four walls 24 hours a day
no escape
no where to go
nothing
and now that we dont have child benefit becuase im too old and not in education
i dont even have any money so I probably wont be able to go out anyway
fuck
my
fucking
life
just
fuck
and it means i'm going to have to ask dad or padi for money
and im going to have to hate myself
because dad wont want to
and padi just wont
and then i'll have to ask dad
after having to ask for a lift
and then I'll just give up
and cry
and god
because
it's not like I'll ask for much
but dad will make it seem like i've asked him to fit the moon in a shoe
and then he'll whine
and be all passive aggressive
and bring up how im a burden on him
and how we owe him money
and how he doesnt have to do this for me
and how he doesn't have to give me money
and how he should be asking me for money
and asking me why i havent moved out yet
and why im such a fucking fuck up failure usless fucking pile of crap
to the point where I'll cut
or want to die
or
if he goes too far
i'll fight back
which will result in suicide attempt number whatever im up to now
because I always fucking chicken out
because im so fucking uselss i cant even fucking kill myself
I never take enough
I always take like 14
and i know thats not enough
so i just feel ill for a bit
and cut
and then i wake up
and just am filled with this self hate
because
why cant i just fucking do it?
and if you're wondering how i KNOW this will happen?
and if you're wondering if I'm just being dramatic
trust me
i'm not
i know this is how it will go
because this is how it always goes
always
always
fucking
always
he will never change
and he will always hate me
always
he will always make me feel like I'd be better off dead
and trust me
fucking trust me
im trying
but people are always making me feel guilty about it
and i hate being a burden on people
I dont want them to worry
I dont want them to be upset
and even though I know they wont be because they never are
i still
dont want to
just in case
because i dont want people to worry
I dont want them to care
I dont want to be a burden
I just want to stop
I want it all to stop
to go away
I need to get away
just please
because it's not getting better
and I dotn see a point
and there really cant be one if im sat on my bed att fucking 4 in the morning crying to strangers on the internet
who could be fucking anyone in the whole world
And this is all I have
this is all II have left
Because everything else is just fake bullshit
and I'm really struggling to find a point anymore
I really am struggling
and by people I mean more than the none I am used to
I'mm not sure what's changed
but it's weird
this used to just be me talking to myself
but now people are actually seeing this
for some unknown reason
like
im just a whiny teenager
why are you here??
read a book or some fanfic
speaking of fanfic
I write that now
lord knows why
And my most successful one has like 23 subscribers and like 800 views
which is pretty impressive to me
lord
I wonder if I know anyone that reads this
although if you do know me and read about how I want to kill myself all the fucking time and dont do anything
please note that you're a bit of a shit person
feel free to continue reading
but
know you're a little bit terrible
also
I dont know if I should keep writing here
you know
if people are reading this
it seems odd
like shouting diray entires out of a window
but I mean
I've been posting this shit out in the open on the internet for around two years
what did i expect right?
just, no one's ever really read it before
which makes me wonder what has changed
but also makes me wonder why people are here
its not like I say anything interesting
I just come here to bitch when everything gets too much
which is often
because i have no where else to go
litterally
i am stuck in these four walls 24 hours a day
no escape
no where to go
nothing
and now that we dont have child benefit becuase im too old and not in education
i dont even have any money so I probably wont be able to go out anyway
fuck
my
fucking
life
just
fuck
and it means i'm going to have to ask dad or padi for money
and im going to have to hate myself
because dad wont want to
and padi just wont
and then i'll have to ask dad
after having to ask for a lift
and then I'll just give up
and cry
and god
because
it's not like I'll ask for much
but dad will make it seem like i've asked him to fit the moon in a shoe
and then he'll whine
and be all passive aggressive
and bring up how im a burden on him
and how we owe him money
and how he doesnt have to do this for me
and how he doesn't have to give me money
and how he should be asking me for money
and asking me why i havent moved out yet
and why im such a fucking fuck up failure usless fucking pile of crap
to the point where I'll cut
or want to die
or
if he goes too far
i'll fight back
which will result in suicide attempt number whatever im up to now
because I always fucking chicken out
because im so fucking uselss i cant even fucking kill myself
I never take enough
I always take like 14
and i know thats not enough
so i just feel ill for a bit
and cut
and then i wake up
and just am filled with this self hate
because
why cant i just fucking do it?
and if you're wondering how i KNOW this will happen?
and if you're wondering if I'm just being dramatic
trust me
i'm not
i know this is how it will go
because this is how it always goes
always
always
fucking
always
he will never change
and he will always hate me
always
he will always make me feel like I'd be better off dead
and trust me
fucking trust me
im trying
but people are always making me feel guilty about it
and i hate being a burden on people
I dont want them to worry
I dont want them to be upset
and even though I know they wont be because they never are
i still
dont want to
just in case
because i dont want people to worry
I dont want them to care
I dont want to be a burden
I just want to stop
I want it all to stop
to go away
I need to get away
just please
because it's not getting better
and I dotn see a point
and there really cant be one if im sat on my bed att fucking 4 in the morning crying to strangers on the internet
who could be fucking anyone in the whole world
And this is all I have
this is all II have left
Because everything else is just fake bullshit
and I'm really struggling to find a point anymore
I really am struggling
