Im sorry for being whiny
Posted by bronwen wild on Sunday, August 26, 2012
Finally I apear to be having a lucid moment
not sure how long it will last of course
but I thought I should at least write down some of the things that have me worried of late
number one
is
eh
TMI for other humans really but ya know since I havent had sex since febuary and my period is like a good 3 weeks late... im... oh whats the word... worried
But you know
They said everything down there was fine right?
and its not like doctors get this stuff wrong
right?
I had a scan, I'm fine. the pain has stoped.
right?
And point two
The more fun one
The secret worry
that im kinda going to have to start facing
This being mute thing?
This shutting down
It happens after going out
it happens when I dont sleep enough
It happens when I talk on the phone
it happens after I talk online a lot
Its always happened
But never this bad
and this much
It used to happen some of the time
now it happens every time
And im worried it going to get in the way of college like it got in the way of school
cause who the fuck was I kidding it was my anxiety that made me leave school
but I left in year nine
Not year 11
And I really want to do well in college
I really do
But this fucking
thing
whatever it is
It could get in the way
Because not only do I go mute
ut I get angry
not moody
angry
And trust me
two people have seen me angry
my brother and my dad
it made my dad cry
and my brother didn't speak to me for days
So being that angry in college wont be good
But I have no idea what to do
Like I've started having to take Diazapam just to leave the house
and I have to take it with me if im going somewhere where there'll be people
I have anxiety attacks, just sat doing fuck all
Im so fucking broken
like my depression has FINALLY after 5 fucking years started to die down A LITTLE
and suddenly I am hit by fucking crippling anxiety
and I dont even notice it
cause like
I dont feel scared
I just shut down
and get angry
or my knees'll start to shake
and my heart it'll go crazy
and i wont be able to think straight
I feel all claustrophobic
I hate it
But I can't stop it and it seems to be getting worse
okay im going now sorry for being whiny....
I just needed to write that down
Cause I dont think im going to stay lucid much longer
sorry for being whiny
not sure how long it will last of course
but I thought I should at least write down some of the things that have me worried of late
number one
is
eh
TMI for other humans really but ya know since I havent had sex since febuary and my period is like a good 3 weeks late... im... oh whats the word... worried
But you know
They said everything down there was fine right?
and its not like doctors get this stuff wrong
right?
I had a scan, I'm fine. the pain has stoped.
right?
And point two
The more fun one
The secret worry
that im kinda going to have to start facing
This being mute thing?
This shutting down
It happens after going out
it happens when I dont sleep enough
It happens when I talk on the phone
it happens after I talk online a lot
Its always happened
But never this bad
and this much
It used to happen some of the time
now it happens every time
And im worried it going to get in the way of college like it got in the way of school
cause who the fuck was I kidding it was my anxiety that made me leave school
but I left in year nine
Not year 11
And I really want to do well in college
I really do
But this fucking
thing
whatever it is
It could get in the way
Because not only do I go mute
ut I get angry
not moody
angry
And trust me
two people have seen me angry
my brother and my dad
it made my dad cry
and my brother didn't speak to me for days
So being that angry in college wont be good
But I have no idea what to do
Like I've started having to take Diazapam just to leave the house
and I have to take it with me if im going somewhere where there'll be people
I have anxiety attacks, just sat doing fuck all
Im so fucking broken
like my depression has FINALLY after 5 fucking years started to die down A LITTLE
and suddenly I am hit by fucking crippling anxiety
and I dont even notice it
cause like
I dont feel scared
I just shut down
and get angry
or my knees'll start to shake
and my heart it'll go crazy
and i wont be able to think straight
I feel all claustrophobic
I hate it
But I can't stop it and it seems to be getting worse
okay im going now sorry for being whiny....
I just needed to write that down
Cause I dont think im going to stay lucid much longer
sorry for being whiny
