i dont know
Posted by bronwen wild on Friday, November 7, 2014
fuck i just typed out a whole thing and then accidentally deleted it because keyboards are dumb and hands are dumb and fuck i'm going to have to re-write it because i need to write this down i need to
something in my head needs this out and no matter how fucking annoying it is that all of what i just wrote is now gone i need to get this down. i wish yola had a ctrl-z thing that would be hella usefull. but yes
right so
idk yola
like im not bad atm
like not at all
i have been so much worse than this its not even funny
but im also not good
not at all
and i dont know
i havent cut
in like
at all since i moved
so thats at least what???? 5 months?
which is cool
maybe longer
idk
but i want to
all the fucking time
and its only through sheer will power that i havent
i dont even know where this willpower has come from
all i know is is that its a good job i dont keep razors
or i know i would have given in by now
but you know
i dont have any so i havent been able to and thats fucking grand
but ugh i dont know yola
i want to cut
all the time
and my anxiety
i just ugh
like i've alwyas had the same anxiety ticks
aside from when i had that weird ass stomach pain
that was queer as fuck man
but like aside from that i've always had the same ones
shaking
feeling sick
biting my nails
and compleatly shutting down into myself
but lately i've been developing a stutter
and idk
i mean i've always had a tiny bit of a stutter but that was more of a way of avoiding spoonerisms than like an actual problem
but not i cant seem to drag words out
i dont even notice i'm stuttering normally untill it's my fifth time saying the 'it's' and people are looking at me weird
but like thats not all i mean i know i've talked about how my shaking has gotten worse and ya'll are all in the know about that but like its cray
but like also
i've been so
vacant?
like i'll be on skype talking to me bae and like i'll just be so distant... i'll zone out and like be so half hearted even though i genuinley care about the topic and my reply and i dont know why. i find myself zoning out and not listening
which is so unlike me
i tend to be a very attentive person
i like listening to people
i get distracted so easily
i cant do fucking anything i enjoy
i can hardly watch anything
like if its longer than 3 minutes i've probably swtiched it off if i cant do something else
which sucks because i love watching dramas and films
they help me switch my brain off
speaking of
sleep
i've been sleeping too much
which has like
never happened
like i've had weird sleeping patterns before
but never have i been so fucking sleepy all the fucking time
i dont get it
like what is this
and like
what the hell is going on with my music listening
like im listening to it right now
and to be fair i do listen to it a lot but i dont listen to it like i usualy do
i dont enjoy it
i dont know its just not the same its weird and i dont like feeling like this
i know its just my depression and my anxiety
and i know im getting better and eveything
i mean i stopped biting my nails for fuck sake
and i've grown my hair out
and i'm just im doing okay
and i dont know
it just seems lik every tick i get over
ever hurdle i jump
my brain creates a new one
currently im dreading going to work
like every shift is a panic induced hell
and its not fun
reminds me of school all over
and idk
am i always going to be like this?
because that would fucking suck
my anxiety is crushing me
and i know i need to go to the doctors but at the same time
i dont want to go
because they put me off so much when i was younger due to how fucking litte they could do
and what if they say the same now
what if im just as unfixable
im so tired
and like
every time i convince myself to keep trying
i can just feel some part of me is ticking off yet another strike
like some sort of count down clock
waiting till the tally reaches one
when it will one hopeless night too many
and i just
cant
anymore
and it terrifies me
because i can feel it
i can feel my resolve failing
i dont know yola
my anxiety is fucked
i want to stop shaking
anf stuttering
and fucking hell
i want to stop feeling so hopeless
i want to stop living in fear of myself
night yola
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
something in my head needs this out and no matter how fucking annoying it is that all of what i just wrote is now gone i need to get this down. i wish yola had a ctrl-z thing that would be hella usefull. but yes
right so
idk yola
like im not bad atm
like not at all
i have been so much worse than this its not even funny
but im also not good
not at all
and i dont know
i havent cut
in like
at all since i moved
so thats at least what???? 5 months?
which is cool
maybe longer
idk
but i want to
all the fucking time
and its only through sheer will power that i havent
i dont even know where this willpower has come from
all i know is is that its a good job i dont keep razors
or i know i would have given in by now
but you know
i dont have any so i havent been able to and thats fucking grand
but ugh i dont know yola
i want to cut
all the time
and my anxiety
i just ugh
like i've alwyas had the same anxiety ticks
aside from when i had that weird ass stomach pain
that was queer as fuck man
but like aside from that i've always had the same ones
shaking
feeling sick
biting my nails
and compleatly shutting down into myself
but lately i've been developing a stutter
and idk
i mean i've always had a tiny bit of a stutter but that was more of a way of avoiding spoonerisms than like an actual problem
but not i cant seem to drag words out
i dont even notice i'm stuttering normally untill it's my fifth time saying the 'it's' and people are looking at me weird
but like thats not all i mean i know i've talked about how my shaking has gotten worse and ya'll are all in the know about that but like its cray
but like also
i've been so
vacant?
like i'll be on skype talking to me bae and like i'll just be so distant... i'll zone out and like be so half hearted even though i genuinley care about the topic and my reply and i dont know why. i find myself zoning out and not listening
which is so unlike me
i tend to be a very attentive person
i like listening to people
i get distracted so easily
i cant do fucking anything i enjoy
i can hardly watch anything
like if its longer than 3 minutes i've probably swtiched it off if i cant do something else
which sucks because i love watching dramas and films
they help me switch my brain off
speaking of
sleep
i've been sleeping too much
which has like
never happened
like i've had weird sleeping patterns before
but never have i been so fucking sleepy all the fucking time
i dont get it
like what is this
and like
what the hell is going on with my music listening
like im listening to it right now
and to be fair i do listen to it a lot but i dont listen to it like i usualy do
i dont enjoy it
i dont know its just not the same its weird and i dont like feeling like this
i know its just my depression and my anxiety
and i know im getting better and eveything
i mean i stopped biting my nails for fuck sake
and i've grown my hair out
and i'm just im doing okay
and i dont know
it just seems lik every tick i get over
ever hurdle i jump
my brain creates a new one
currently im dreading going to work
like every shift is a panic induced hell
and its not fun
reminds me of school all over
and idk
am i always going to be like this?
because that would fucking suck
my anxiety is crushing me
and i know i need to go to the doctors but at the same time
i dont want to go
because they put me off so much when i was younger due to how fucking litte they could do
and what if they say the same now
what if im just as unfixable
im so tired
and like
every time i convince myself to keep trying
i can just feel some part of me is ticking off yet another strike
like some sort of count down clock
waiting till the tally reaches one
when it will one hopeless night too many
and i just
cant
anymore
and it terrifies me
because i can feel it
i can feel my resolve failing
i dont know yola
my anxiety is fucked
i want to stop shaking
anf stuttering
and fucking hell
i want to stop feeling so hopeless
i want to stop living in fear of myself
night yola
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
