I dont even know man this is what happens when I have no one to talk to for over a year and a half, I go insane :D
Posted by bronwen wild on Wednesday, August 7, 2013
I am proud of how well i have avoided urges of late.
Its been weeks
I think I may cave soon though
They're there all the time
and I know it does nothing
but I also dont get worse from it
and for a few seconds
or whatever
it stops
or starts
i dont know
like
its all stops
but also
its like a promise
to myself
like
just hold on
just wait a little longer
just a little deeper
just a little closer
just a little bit
more
I spend so much time wondering why i cut
and how to explain it to others
but there are just so many reasons
and most people dont accept "to make it stop" as a reason
I dont know
I look at my scars and I am sad
Well no
I look at the ones on my arm and am sad
but i think thats more because of why those scars are there
they are the "my relationship is a lie,he doesn't love me and probably has someone else oh god hes going to leave me im going to be alone again, fucking asshole why arent you replying where are you, why are you drunk, why have i given up so much for you, why did I give you all that money, oh my god i've been so stupid" scars.
The ones I did two days? or the day before? no two days because they were part of the reason I was so angry with him in the rant that broke us up xD IRONY
But yeah I hate those.
No
I dont hate a single scar on my body
I just
They're dumb right?
Over a boy?
though, I do feel better knowing I did them BEFORE we broke up.
So it wasnt a "HE BROKE UP ME WEEAAAAAHHHH *CUT CUT CUT*"
That makes me feel a little better.
Knowing it was me beaing heartbroken at knowing him too well.
god
i was so dumb back then
but then I was also stupidly young
like
15-16
lord
I duunnnooo
im just
I
I talk about him a lot because its the one that doesn't hurt to talk about
I talk about the unimportant shit to distract myself from the things that are slowly killing me
its how I deall
Because it gets emotions out while giving nothing away
And i've given enough away latley
I never told you about Jacob
or sioned
or teggs
or jessie
but all of those are too important to talk about right now
so lets just pretend like i am actually still hung up over nick instead of just trying to convince myself that a scorned love IS my biggest problem and IS the cause of my sadness instead of being very over it by now and being insanely happy to know he doesn't need me anymore. Because it just makes me so happy to see hes going to uni and his new woman seems nice and thats good because he needs that. And its just nice to know hes doing well and stuff.
see?
im doing it again?
oh and another point
I tend to talk about this stuff alot when I feel lonely or am thinking about someone in *that* way
Because it hurts less
ha
after love is playing
appropriate song is appropriate
So this has been a long rant and cutting, scars and the real reason behind why I still talk about nick
Im hoping writing this out loud will prod me into not talking about it anymore because people must think im obsessed
which is just a funny thought
If Im obsessed with anyone it's with with the members oof VIXX
namely Leo, Hongbin, N, Ravi, Ken, Hyuk (yes that is all of them but I have listed them in oder of fangirl though feel free to swap leo and hongbin around depending on the GIF set)
I JUST LOVE THEM OKAY THEY ARE CUTE AND FUNNY AND SO DEDICATED AND N DID THE DANCE THING FOR THEIR NEW SINGLE ANND ITS SO GOOD AND LEO IS JUST ADORABLE AND DUMB OKAY AND HONGBIN IS JUST SO FUCKING CUTE AND PRETTY AND FUNNY AND HIS BROMANCE WITH RAVI IS JUST SO SWEET AND THEN THERES FUCKING HYUK WHOS VOICE IS JUST TOO DEEP FOR THAT FACE AND RAVI! OHMYGOSH HIS VOICE AND HIS SMILE AND OH MY GOD YOU LITTLE SHITS I LOVE YOU ALL *SQUISHY FACE*
okay i'm done.
Its been weeks
I think I may cave soon though
They're there all the time
and I know it does nothing
but I also dont get worse from it
and for a few seconds
or whatever
it stops
or starts
i dont know
like
its all stops
but also
its like a promise
to myself
like
just hold on
just wait a little longer
just a little deeper
just a little closer
just a little bit
more
I spend so much time wondering why i cut
and how to explain it to others
but there are just so many reasons
and most people dont accept "to make it stop" as a reason
I dont know
I look at my scars and I am sad
Well no
I look at the ones on my arm and am sad
but i think thats more because of why those scars are there
they are the "my relationship is a lie,he doesn't love me and probably has someone else oh god hes going to leave me im going to be alone again, fucking asshole why arent you replying where are you, why are you drunk, why have i given up so much for you, why did I give you all that money, oh my god i've been so stupid" scars.
The ones I did two days? or the day before? no two days because they were part of the reason I was so angry with him in the rant that broke us up xD IRONY
But yeah I hate those.
No
I dont hate a single scar on my body
I just
They're dumb right?
Over a boy?
though, I do feel better knowing I did them BEFORE we broke up.
So it wasnt a "HE BROKE UP ME WEEAAAAAHHHH *CUT CUT CUT*"
That makes me feel a little better.
Knowing it was me beaing heartbroken at knowing him too well.
god
i was so dumb back then
but then I was also stupidly young
like
15-16
lord
I duunnnooo
im just
I
I talk about him a lot because its the one that doesn't hurt to talk about
I talk about the unimportant shit to distract myself from the things that are slowly killing me
its how I deall
Because it gets emotions out while giving nothing away
And i've given enough away latley
I never told you about Jacob
or sioned
or teggs
or jessie
but all of those are too important to talk about right now
so lets just pretend like i am actually still hung up over nick instead of just trying to convince myself that a scorned love IS my biggest problem and IS the cause of my sadness instead of being very over it by now and being insanely happy to know he doesn't need me anymore. Because it just makes me so happy to see hes going to uni and his new woman seems nice and thats good because he needs that. And its just nice to know hes doing well and stuff.
see?
im doing it again?
oh and another point
I tend to talk about this stuff alot when I feel lonely or am thinking about someone in *that* way
Because it hurts less
ha
after love is playing
appropriate song is appropriate
So this has been a long rant and cutting, scars and the real reason behind why I still talk about nick
Im hoping writing this out loud will prod me into not talking about it anymore because people must think im obsessed
which is just a funny thought
If Im obsessed with anyone it's with with the members oof VIXX
namely Leo, Hongbin, N, Ravi, Ken, Hyuk (yes that is all of them but I have listed them in oder of fangirl though feel free to swap leo and hongbin around depending on the GIF set)
I JUST LOVE THEM OKAY THEY ARE CUTE AND FUNNY AND SO DEDICATED AND N DID THE DANCE THING FOR THEIR NEW SINGLE ANND ITS SO GOOD AND LEO IS JUST ADORABLE AND DUMB OKAY AND HONGBIN IS JUST SO FUCKING CUTE AND PRETTY AND FUNNY AND HIS BROMANCE WITH RAVI IS JUST SO SWEET AND THEN THERES FUCKING HYUK WHOS VOICE IS JUST TOO DEEP FOR THAT FACE AND RAVI! OHMYGOSH HIS VOICE AND HIS SMILE AND OH MY GOD YOU LITTLE SHITS I LOVE YOU ALL *SQUISHY FACE*
okay i'm done.
