I am broken and this is a fucking whiny ass rant about my mum and shit like that.
Posted by bronwen wild on Monday, August 27, 2012
Hey yola
so really
I only have one thing to say today
and its pretty fucking simple
I miss my mum
I miss her
And im so tried of feeling bad or embarrassed or whatever for missing her
My whole life was effectively ruined by her death
It hasn't been
but it could have
And She never got to do any of the real mum things with me
or any of the big mum things with either of us
And thats unfair
Cause like she wasn't there when I had my heart broken
And she wasn't there to do the mum things that go along with that
She wont see either of us get married(If we do) and see wont see either of us get jobs, fall in love with someone who actually loves us back, she wont see us leave school, move on, move out, have kids(if padi dose anyway)
She wont be there and she wont see it and she wont be there to wake me up if im late for college
or make me dinner
or wash my clothes
take me in if I fuck up and need a place to stay
Spend christmas with me and make way too much food even though this year she swore she wasnt going to cook a big dinner cause we never eat it
And she wont be there to yell at me for being angry
or to get on at me to clean my room
to ride my tilly even if it is -12 and raining out
She wont be there to watch me grow up
and magically be able to find things even though you swore you looked there
she wont be here to buy stupid clothes
or say mum things
embarrass me infront of my friends
She wont be here
And thats a long time
and thats a lot
And people just like expect it not to bother me anymore
like
oh thats been a while now you'll be fine
and yeah
Okay it doesn't hurt quite as much and I dont cry quite as fucking often
but she was my mam
And It still hurts
and im still sad about it
I still miss her
And
I just
Im tired of having to pretend like i dont miss her purely because it puts people out
Because you know what
I watched her die
Somedays It feels like if I'd done more she wouldn't have died as soon
and While I watched her die I watched her fade away
And while she faded away so did I
I lost everything
My life, my friends, my home to some extent my family
Yet I mean its been nearly two years so it doesn't matter that my whole life got taken away from me and I had to start all over all alone
because its been two fucking years!
And thats just the big hurt
I had other crap going on in my life just like everyone else
I was stupid enough to try that whole love thing again
Dont see why I ever bothered with that
seems to be one of the biggest and longest running fuckups I have
God im just so tired yola
And I really need to go to the doctor
I need anti anxiety and I need to tell someone Im pretty much just as fucked up as I was before which doesnt bode well for college
HOORAH!
Im a fucking mess
I mess who's tired of being alone
But doubts shes ever going to let anyone in again
ahaha
Isnt this fun?
god fucking damn
goodnight yola
god damn im fucked up
so really
I only have one thing to say today
and its pretty fucking simple
I miss my mum
I miss her
And im so tried of feeling bad or embarrassed or whatever for missing her
My whole life was effectively ruined by her death
It hasn't been
but it could have
And She never got to do any of the real mum things with me
or any of the big mum things with either of us
And thats unfair
Cause like she wasn't there when I had my heart broken
And she wasn't there to do the mum things that go along with that
She wont see either of us get married(If we do) and see wont see either of us get jobs, fall in love with someone who actually loves us back, she wont see us leave school, move on, move out, have kids(if padi dose anyway)
She wont be there and she wont see it and she wont be there to wake me up if im late for college
or make me dinner
or wash my clothes
take me in if I fuck up and need a place to stay
Spend christmas with me and make way too much food even though this year she swore she wasnt going to cook a big dinner cause we never eat it
And she wont be there to yell at me for being angry
or to get on at me to clean my room
to ride my tilly even if it is -12 and raining out
She wont be there to watch me grow up
and magically be able to find things even though you swore you looked there
she wont be here to buy stupid clothes
or say mum things
embarrass me infront of my friends
She wont be here
And thats a long time
and thats a lot
And people just like expect it not to bother me anymore
like
oh thats been a while now you'll be fine
and yeah
Okay it doesn't hurt quite as much and I dont cry quite as fucking often
but she was my mam
And It still hurts
and im still sad about it
I still miss her
And
I just
Im tired of having to pretend like i dont miss her purely because it puts people out
Because you know what
I watched her die
Somedays It feels like if I'd done more she wouldn't have died as soon
and While I watched her die I watched her fade away
And while she faded away so did I
I lost everything
My life, my friends, my home to some extent my family
Yet I mean its been nearly two years so it doesn't matter that my whole life got taken away from me and I had to start all over all alone
because its been two fucking years!
And thats just the big hurt
I had other crap going on in my life just like everyone else
I was stupid enough to try that whole love thing again
Dont see why I ever bothered with that
seems to be one of the biggest and longest running fuckups I have
God im just so tired yola
And I really need to go to the doctor
I need anti anxiety and I need to tell someone Im pretty much just as fucked up as I was before which doesnt bode well for college
HOORAH!
Im a fucking mess
I mess who's tired of being alone
But doubts shes ever going to let anyone in again
ahaha
Isnt this fun?
god fucking damn
goodnight yola
god damn im fucked up
