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Posted by bronwen wild on Monday, September 23, 2013
There are moments, I have found where sudden realizations will hit you and change everything.
I have had a few moments like this in my life.
Most of them about why i feel depressed or why I hate myself or why I've never felt like I belong.
This one I guess is no different.
And this one has been slow in coming.
maybe it isnt all the way there yet, because, well, im still breathing.
But, I fear, well, my only fear has, become true. And I fear it will always and has always been this way. And that I was just slow in realising it.
However, in the past, there have been people who I have believed to "need" me.
But they are all fine without me.
So it would seem.
I am alone.
It's a shit fear right?
to fear being alone.
Of all the things to be scared of, it has to be the thing I'm best at.
But at least it's putting my only skill to use.
I can push people away like a mother fucker. But I do it in such a way that I don't notice it, and they don't notice it's not intentional. They probably hate me. Or think I'm stuck up, or selfish or something. I dont know. They can't think well of me at least.
And so here I am, alone. left with my fears and depression and my anxiety. Constantly justifying things to myself when I know its all stupid and usless and lies. But I have to keep telling myself this shit because even though I make no one happy and I do nothing that makes my life consist of any value, it's "wrong" to kill myself. But no one will explain why. WHY is it so wrong to wish to die? If I was siffering a desease you could see. If you could see my destruction. If you could see the cumbling state of my mind and heart and limbs. If you could feel the strain or see it or even care that it existed, maybe you would not so quickly ask me to stay.
Yes. It is all in my head. But how does that make it any less real. My whole life is in my head. I dont know anything beyond my own skin for certain. Science even thinks we dont see the same fucking colours but you want to tell me that the things I feel arent real just because they're in my head? No one even bothers to ask what I feel. Not in an environment where I have time. My emotions are not a thing I can explain in a paragraph and that can be interupted and not be effected. My emotions change every day and I spend every fucking day trying to understand them because i dont. I dont understand any of this. and do any of you? Because I used to. Or at least, not understanding never used to bother me. Four years ago you could have asked me the point and I wouldn't have had a fucking clue. And I would tell you so, but then I could move on and I wouldn't think about your question again. If you asked me today I would tell you I wish I knew, and how I wish I knew a milion things must simpler than whats the point. because I dont understand. And no one will explain. And even though im starting to think it's because no one else knows either. Then that brings up the question of, then why am I so upset by it. If no one knows, why the hell am I so worried about it? Are other people just as worried about it? Is everyone just as worried about it? And if so how do they deal with it? because I sure as hell dont know. But if they aren't and it is just me, or just us few, are we all this crazy? is it crazy to worry and wonder about these things? Because they tell us that this life is all we get, so why does it matter? No one will remeber us in the end. So why try? There's no after life and theres no life during life. We just get controled from the day we're born. And what? Because i live in a "good" family in one of the richer parts of the world you think my life is easy. And yeah. You're fucking right. But I'm still controled and my life still isnt mine. No one's life is theirs. and although my life is fucking wonderful compared to others and the fact that that fact used to be what kept me from going over the edge, my life is also hard. Because it's all that I know. You can show me the hardships of others, but this right here is always going to be hard to me, because this is all that I know and it is the hardest thing I have had to endure. My pain is not less pain because it is less then someone elses. Thats like saying my happiness is less because it is less than someone elses. My happiness is the only happiness I have ever experienced, so even though, I am sure better, more vibrant and exstatic happiness exists, I have not experienced it, and so I do not know how to quantify it. The happiness I have felt, felt the happiest possible. Yet you try to tell me there is more? It is the same with my saddness and my hurt. I know it is there. And that it is possible. But to me, right now, I am hurting the most I have ever hurt and so when you try to tell me there is more hurt I can not fathom that thought because my heart feels like it could not bare more hardship for fear of failing. Although, it is sure we have not experienced the worst of our lot.
What I guess i'm trying to say in a stupid round about way, is that pain is pain, no matter who feels it or why. If it hurts, it hurts dont try and tell a person why dont feel what they feel, or make those feelings less important. Everyones feelings are important.
I have spent a lot of my life suicidal, and depressed. I have never had to do it quite so alone before. I litterally have no one in the world to talk to, or who I think would even care that i almost killed myself last week. and in a few weeks when the scars on my wrists heal over from the cowards attempt at bargaining with myself for a little more time, no one will ever know. And thats alright.
I might not make it that far.
Bye yola. I get that you're a website and you dont listen i just inflict this upon you and you house it, but its the closest thing I have to someoone to talk to. So thanks. I go crazy sitting inside my own head.
I have had a few moments like this in my life.
Most of them about why i feel depressed or why I hate myself or why I've never felt like I belong.
This one I guess is no different.
And this one has been slow in coming.
maybe it isnt all the way there yet, because, well, im still breathing.
But, I fear, well, my only fear has, become true. And I fear it will always and has always been this way. And that I was just slow in realising it.
However, in the past, there have been people who I have believed to "need" me.
But they are all fine without me.
So it would seem.
I am alone.
It's a shit fear right?
to fear being alone.
Of all the things to be scared of, it has to be the thing I'm best at.
But at least it's putting my only skill to use.
I can push people away like a mother fucker. But I do it in such a way that I don't notice it, and they don't notice it's not intentional. They probably hate me. Or think I'm stuck up, or selfish or something. I dont know. They can't think well of me at least.
And so here I am, alone. left with my fears and depression and my anxiety. Constantly justifying things to myself when I know its all stupid and usless and lies. But I have to keep telling myself this shit because even though I make no one happy and I do nothing that makes my life consist of any value, it's "wrong" to kill myself. But no one will explain why. WHY is it so wrong to wish to die? If I was siffering a desease you could see. If you could see my destruction. If you could see the cumbling state of my mind and heart and limbs. If you could feel the strain or see it or even care that it existed, maybe you would not so quickly ask me to stay.
Yes. It is all in my head. But how does that make it any less real. My whole life is in my head. I dont know anything beyond my own skin for certain. Science even thinks we dont see the same fucking colours but you want to tell me that the things I feel arent real just because they're in my head? No one even bothers to ask what I feel. Not in an environment where I have time. My emotions are not a thing I can explain in a paragraph and that can be interupted and not be effected. My emotions change every day and I spend every fucking day trying to understand them because i dont. I dont understand any of this. and do any of you? Because I used to. Or at least, not understanding never used to bother me. Four years ago you could have asked me the point and I wouldn't have had a fucking clue. And I would tell you so, but then I could move on and I wouldn't think about your question again. If you asked me today I would tell you I wish I knew, and how I wish I knew a milion things must simpler than whats the point. because I dont understand. And no one will explain. And even though im starting to think it's because no one else knows either. Then that brings up the question of, then why am I so upset by it. If no one knows, why the hell am I so worried about it? Are other people just as worried about it? Is everyone just as worried about it? And if so how do they deal with it? because I sure as hell dont know. But if they aren't and it is just me, or just us few, are we all this crazy? is it crazy to worry and wonder about these things? Because they tell us that this life is all we get, so why does it matter? No one will remeber us in the end. So why try? There's no after life and theres no life during life. We just get controled from the day we're born. And what? Because i live in a "good" family in one of the richer parts of the world you think my life is easy. And yeah. You're fucking right. But I'm still controled and my life still isnt mine. No one's life is theirs. and although my life is fucking wonderful compared to others and the fact that that fact used to be what kept me from going over the edge, my life is also hard. Because it's all that I know. You can show me the hardships of others, but this right here is always going to be hard to me, because this is all that I know and it is the hardest thing I have had to endure. My pain is not less pain because it is less then someone elses. Thats like saying my happiness is less because it is less than someone elses. My happiness is the only happiness I have ever experienced, so even though, I am sure better, more vibrant and exstatic happiness exists, I have not experienced it, and so I do not know how to quantify it. The happiness I have felt, felt the happiest possible. Yet you try to tell me there is more? It is the same with my saddness and my hurt. I know it is there. And that it is possible. But to me, right now, I am hurting the most I have ever hurt and so when you try to tell me there is more hurt I can not fathom that thought because my heart feels like it could not bare more hardship for fear of failing. Although, it is sure we have not experienced the worst of our lot.
What I guess i'm trying to say in a stupid round about way, is that pain is pain, no matter who feels it or why. If it hurts, it hurts dont try and tell a person why dont feel what they feel, or make those feelings less important. Everyones feelings are important.
I have spent a lot of my life suicidal, and depressed. I have never had to do it quite so alone before. I litterally have no one in the world to talk to, or who I think would even care that i almost killed myself last week. and in a few weeks when the scars on my wrists heal over from the cowards attempt at bargaining with myself for a little more time, no one will ever know. And thats alright.
I might not make it that far.
Bye yola. I get that you're a website and you dont listen i just inflict this upon you and you house it, but its the closest thing I have to someoone to talk to. So thanks. I go crazy sitting inside my own head.
