hey yola
Posted by bronwen wild on Sunday, May 17, 2015
Hey yola,
so i was thinking while walking home earlier.
you know,
it not so much that i dont feel female, because i dont really know how that would feel.... but more like i just dont feel comfortable with other people perceiving me as female.
despite me best efforts.
take a few years back, for example. i went through a period where all i wanted was to dress like a girl. to wear make up, nice clothes and have pretty hair. a girl.
however, i hated not only myself but my body an awful lot back then. and everything i wore made me feel fat, stupid and foolish. now, back then i just figured i was insecure about my weight.
but then lets take a look at the past shall we;
i loved LOVED dressing up when i was little. fairies, princesses, you name it. always played bad ass queens or rebellious daughters. always chose girl characters on RPG's.
so its not like 'female' and I never got on. and to some extent I think we still do.
however,
if we think on then when i wore a dress at MCM or if i wear something slightly more feminine, or wear makeup out of the house... I feel foolish. I feel like im wearing a neon sign that alerts everyone to my foolishness. and it makes me wonder why. because at home makeup makes me feel good. i like the person i am in makeup. i like dresses and skirts and shoes. there is nothing wrong with any of those things.
but then
they are 'female' are they not
and maybe thats it.
because when you're in a skirt/dress/makeup people automatically perceive you as female
and although i myself have nothing against my female side
i feel that maybe deep down my wish to be seen as male, for people to not see me as 'girl' acts out against my outward appearance.
like, there's little i can do about my tits or my voice, but i can not wear makeup and i can wear figure hiding clothes. girly clothes accentuate everything 'girly' about my body.
and yeah somedays thats okay.
but most days i just wish for something a bit more... manly.
and i thought of a way to word this so much better walking home.
but basically;
girls clothes make me feel like im in bad cosplay, making a fool out of myself and making everyone else laugh at me for being so foolish.
so yeah. do with that what you will. goodnight and good bye. xxx
sam out
so i was thinking while walking home earlier.
you know,
it not so much that i dont feel female, because i dont really know how that would feel.... but more like i just dont feel comfortable with other people perceiving me as female.
despite me best efforts.
take a few years back, for example. i went through a period where all i wanted was to dress like a girl. to wear make up, nice clothes and have pretty hair. a girl.
however, i hated not only myself but my body an awful lot back then. and everything i wore made me feel fat, stupid and foolish. now, back then i just figured i was insecure about my weight.
but then lets take a look at the past shall we;
i loved LOVED dressing up when i was little. fairies, princesses, you name it. always played bad ass queens or rebellious daughters. always chose girl characters on RPG's.
so its not like 'female' and I never got on. and to some extent I think we still do.
however,
if we think on then when i wore a dress at MCM or if i wear something slightly more feminine, or wear makeup out of the house... I feel foolish. I feel like im wearing a neon sign that alerts everyone to my foolishness. and it makes me wonder why. because at home makeup makes me feel good. i like the person i am in makeup. i like dresses and skirts and shoes. there is nothing wrong with any of those things.
but then
they are 'female' are they not
and maybe thats it.
because when you're in a skirt/dress/makeup people automatically perceive you as female
and although i myself have nothing against my female side
i feel that maybe deep down my wish to be seen as male, for people to not see me as 'girl' acts out against my outward appearance.
like, there's little i can do about my tits or my voice, but i can not wear makeup and i can wear figure hiding clothes. girly clothes accentuate everything 'girly' about my body.
and yeah somedays thats okay.
but most days i just wish for something a bit more... manly.
and i thought of a way to word this so much better walking home.
but basically;
girls clothes make me feel like im in bad cosplay, making a fool out of myself and making everyone else laugh at me for being so foolish.
so yeah. do with that what you will. goodnight and good bye. xxx
sam out
