hey
Posted by bronwen wild on Sunday, April 14, 2013
I dont know anymore.
Im bad again
And I've stopped being afraid of dieing again,
because normally the whole concept scares the jeebus out of me, you know, the whole thought that you just stop.existing. it is supposed to terrify me. but i've been sat here on my floor less than indifferent to it. Like I keep running it through my head. They'd miss me, I'd never see Elaina grow up, I'd never fall in love again, never see how i turn out, never see how padi'd turn out, i'd just be nothing, I'd cease to exist. and I dont care. I care more about my lack of caring because it reminds me of the last time I tried to kill myself which was the closest I ever got to going through with it. and I dont have a reason to stay now. No just in time text from nick which made me stop at pill no 14 and at least try to stop some of the bleeding (which was tricky while half drunk). I remember crying. wishing for some reason to stay. This time, if I get in a state like I did then or on thursday (Long story) I dont think I'll make it. It was possibly the third worst anxiety attack/ depression wave/ NEED TO FUCKING CUT, i've ever had, second worst being when I cut open my wrists, and no one being the before mentioned suicide attempt.
I've been writing for a while now, I'm going to go wash my arms they're covered in pen. hopefully my plan has worked and I'm calm enough to not need to cut tonight. we'll see. night yola.
Im bad again
And I've stopped being afraid of dieing again,
because normally the whole concept scares the jeebus out of me, you know, the whole thought that you just stop.existing. it is supposed to terrify me. but i've been sat here on my floor less than indifferent to it. Like I keep running it through my head. They'd miss me, I'd never see Elaina grow up, I'd never fall in love again, never see how i turn out, never see how padi'd turn out, i'd just be nothing, I'd cease to exist. and I dont care. I care more about my lack of caring because it reminds me of the last time I tried to kill myself which was the closest I ever got to going through with it. and I dont have a reason to stay now. No just in time text from nick which made me stop at pill no 14 and at least try to stop some of the bleeding (which was tricky while half drunk). I remember crying. wishing for some reason to stay. This time, if I get in a state like I did then or on thursday (Long story) I dont think I'll make it. It was possibly the third worst anxiety attack/ depression wave/ NEED TO FUCKING CUT, i've ever had, second worst being when I cut open my wrists, and no one being the before mentioned suicide attempt.
I've been writing for a while now, I'm going to go wash my arms they're covered in pen. hopefully my plan has worked and I'm calm enough to not need to cut tonight. we'll see. night yola.
