hello
Posted by bronwen wild on Saturday, October 5, 2013
I spend a lot of my life trying to convince myself i dont want to cut
I spend a lot of my life trying to convince myself im okay
I spend a lot of my life trying to tell myself there are reasons to stay
i spend most of my life not feeling okay
and people treat me as if this is a thing that happened because of my mothers death
but trust me i felt like this long before my mother even got ill
which is saying something because I was in year 8 when that happened
and I'm 17
in a few months i'll be 18
but until those few months are up no one will even take me seriously
if i go to the doctor complaining of anxiety or depression they wont offer me help
they wont offer me anything
they will just send me away
And I need help of some kind or another
problem is
no one takes me seriously
all my thearapists (and trust me I can say 'all' i've had around 4) just dissmisses me
because a lot of my problems lay with self image
for a long ass time i hated every tiny detail about myself.
I still dont love myself
but you know
I can look in a mirror and think
"i look pretty okay today"
or even on rare occasions think i might be pretty
and not HATE myself
because the word hate doesn't even come close to what i used to think of myself if i thought posotive things about myself before.
I loathed myself
but no one cared
they would just poo poo me, telling me to just "Not think that way"
like I hadnt thought of that
you know what did help though?
not hating a fundemental part of myself
like say, being bi-gender?
because I hated the girly side of me
so much
girly things
just repulsed me
liking girly things was worse than shameful
it was a sin
So of course
I hated myself
because I have a girly face
and had long wavey girly curly blonde hair
but even when I cut it off and dyed it I still looked fucking girly.
And I mean i never even used to notice I was doing it
I didnt even know that was what I had such a huge problem
I just HATED myself
but since I've started to accept it
i've gotten better
and havee started showing off my girly side a lot more
like
liking kpop
before i wouldn't have been caught dead liking something so girly
but now I'm just sat here like "awwwwh shit son thats my jam AND THEY ARE MY BABIES" because im a loser really.
But yeah
I mean I still hate myself a lot
but like if anyone had ever bothered to listen to me a bit
or like not just dismissed me so much
maybe it wouldn't have taken this long for me to not hate myself for liking myself even the slightest bit once in a while.
Not to say thats my oonly problem of course
i'm pretty fucked up to be fair
The main one being that anxiety and depression are chemical imbalances in the brain
and that aint so easy to fuckin cure
But im trying
Im waorking real hard to be okay
And when I think back to the kid who started this blog those years ago
I think I'm doing okay.
Hell, I even started a conversation with someone today
I dont even remember the last time I diid that with someone who wasn't gina
And it went okay
I might do it more
with him
I think he needs someone to talk to
and I'm good at that.
Even if I do get too attached sometimes.
But he's not like the last ones
I wont let him break my heart
whichever way things go.
I'm not sure if I'll ever want to let anyone in all the way again
I probably will
I trust and forgive much too much
but I've managed to keep up my walls pretty well so far
even if Nick's talking to me again
but anyway i'm going to go now
this whole rant was really only to stop me from cutting
so it didn't really say or mean much.
but thanks yola
im glad i at least have you.
I spend a lot of my life trying to convince myself im okay
I spend a lot of my life trying to tell myself there are reasons to stay
i spend most of my life not feeling okay
and people treat me as if this is a thing that happened because of my mothers death
but trust me i felt like this long before my mother even got ill
which is saying something because I was in year 8 when that happened
and I'm 17
in a few months i'll be 18
but until those few months are up no one will even take me seriously
if i go to the doctor complaining of anxiety or depression they wont offer me help
they wont offer me anything
they will just send me away
And I need help of some kind or another
problem is
no one takes me seriously
all my thearapists (and trust me I can say 'all' i've had around 4) just dissmisses me
because a lot of my problems lay with self image
for a long ass time i hated every tiny detail about myself.
I still dont love myself
but you know
I can look in a mirror and think
"i look pretty okay today"
or even on rare occasions think i might be pretty
and not HATE myself
because the word hate doesn't even come close to what i used to think of myself if i thought posotive things about myself before.
I loathed myself
but no one cared
they would just poo poo me, telling me to just "Not think that way"
like I hadnt thought of that
you know what did help though?
not hating a fundemental part of myself
like say, being bi-gender?
because I hated the girly side of me
so much
girly things
just repulsed me
liking girly things was worse than shameful
it was a sin
So of course
I hated myself
because I have a girly face
and had long wavey girly curly blonde hair
but even when I cut it off and dyed it I still looked fucking girly.
And I mean i never even used to notice I was doing it
I didnt even know that was what I had such a huge problem
I just HATED myself
but since I've started to accept it
i've gotten better
and havee started showing off my girly side a lot more
like
liking kpop
before i wouldn't have been caught dead liking something so girly
but now I'm just sat here like "awwwwh shit son thats my jam AND THEY ARE MY BABIES" because im a loser really.
But yeah
I mean I still hate myself a lot
but like if anyone had ever bothered to listen to me a bit
or like not just dismissed me so much
maybe it wouldn't have taken this long for me to not hate myself for liking myself even the slightest bit once in a while.
Not to say thats my oonly problem of course
i'm pretty fucked up to be fair
The main one being that anxiety and depression are chemical imbalances in the brain
and that aint so easy to fuckin cure
But im trying
Im waorking real hard to be okay
And when I think back to the kid who started this blog those years ago
I think I'm doing okay.
Hell, I even started a conversation with someone today
I dont even remember the last time I diid that with someone who wasn't gina
And it went okay
I might do it more
with him
I think he needs someone to talk to
and I'm good at that.
Even if I do get too attached sometimes.
But he's not like the last ones
I wont let him break my heart
whichever way things go.
I'm not sure if I'll ever want to let anyone in all the way again
I probably will
I trust and forgive much too much
but I've managed to keep up my walls pretty well so far
even if Nick's talking to me again
but anyway i'm going to go now
this whole rant was really only to stop me from cutting
so it didn't really say or mean much.
but thanks yola
im glad i at least have you.
