Happy mammy's day
Posted by bronwen wild on Sunday, March 10, 2013
happy mothers day mammy
I miss you
Its weird, its been happening more recently,
You know, forgetting your not here... I mean its not often by any means.... just more than never
I still remember the first time it happened properly
I was round nicks, I think it was around Christmas time or something and it was getting late and all of a sudden a had this thought of "Shit I should ring mum to let her know where I am/ whats happening"
And then it hit me, and it was one of those moments where you truly understand why they say it "hit" you. It slams into your chest and makes your heart sink to the pit of your stomach, while you're left winded and aching trying to remember how to breath and if it was this hard before.
I remember that feeling, feeling stupid and awful for forgetting her, but then worse because once that subsided I just missed her.
I told Nick of course but he was doing something I think? I dont know, I just remember sliding of the sofa and begging myself not to cry. I felt so stupid.
like why does it bother you, she was alive way longer than shes been dead... of course you'll forget sometimes... No one else cares why're you making a fuss?
But it shook me
I remember feeling really unsettled for days
But it was also then that I truly began to understand that, after a while people stop giving a crap about people who have died who weren't close to them personally.
You can be as empathetic as you like, but after a while, you're going to get over it while the person who's loss it was really wont have,while your life has moved on they have been stood still. So you stop feeling it while they hurt just as much as before.
I miss my mum every fucking day, but its been two and a half years so people expect it not to effect me now.
If anything it effects me more now.
Because Im less distraught about her dieing now, Im less angry now, I dont expect her to come home now.
I just miss her.
I miss her voice and her too loud laugh, I miss her dancing and terrible, terrible singing in the car, I miss her stupidly big car and her too fast driving, I miss the fact she never met Nick, cause he was important to me for a long time, I miss that she never got to see me turn 16 and that she wont see me turn 18 or 21, I miss that she wont see me find the thing I love to do, and chase after my dream, I miss that she wont see me fall on love, or be there to fix it when I get a broken heart, I miss the way she always expected tea in the morning and how even when she was sick from chemo she'd never be too mad when I woke up late and she'd still take me to the bus, I miss her crazy dresses and shoes that cost £200, I miss her smile and her hugs and her advice, I miss her despair at my lack of a social life, I miss they way she looked after my baby girl and how she'd always came with me to see her, I miss her stupid music, and her cooking (Yes even Salmon and fucking lentil burgers) Man I just miss her
Every fucking day, so much.
But people dont get it, case its been so long and im getting better
Like sure, but that doesn't mean im okay
and it sure as fuck doesn't mean I dont miss her.
My mum rocked, despite a lot of things.
I love her
goodnight
I miss you
Its weird, its been happening more recently,
You know, forgetting your not here... I mean its not often by any means.... just more than never
I still remember the first time it happened properly
I was round nicks, I think it was around Christmas time or something and it was getting late and all of a sudden a had this thought of "Shit I should ring mum to let her know where I am/ whats happening"
And then it hit me, and it was one of those moments where you truly understand why they say it "hit" you. It slams into your chest and makes your heart sink to the pit of your stomach, while you're left winded and aching trying to remember how to breath and if it was this hard before.
I remember that feeling, feeling stupid and awful for forgetting her, but then worse because once that subsided I just missed her.
I told Nick of course but he was doing something I think? I dont know, I just remember sliding of the sofa and begging myself not to cry. I felt so stupid.
like why does it bother you, she was alive way longer than shes been dead... of course you'll forget sometimes... No one else cares why're you making a fuss?
But it shook me
I remember feeling really unsettled for days
But it was also then that I truly began to understand that, after a while people stop giving a crap about people who have died who weren't close to them personally.
You can be as empathetic as you like, but after a while, you're going to get over it while the person who's loss it was really wont have,while your life has moved on they have been stood still. So you stop feeling it while they hurt just as much as before.
I miss my mum every fucking day, but its been two and a half years so people expect it not to effect me now.
If anything it effects me more now.
Because Im less distraught about her dieing now, Im less angry now, I dont expect her to come home now.
I just miss her.
I miss her voice and her too loud laugh, I miss her dancing and terrible, terrible singing in the car, I miss her stupidly big car and her too fast driving, I miss the fact she never met Nick, cause he was important to me for a long time, I miss that she never got to see me turn 16 and that she wont see me turn 18 or 21, I miss that she wont see me find the thing I love to do, and chase after my dream, I miss that she wont see me fall on love, or be there to fix it when I get a broken heart, I miss the way she always expected tea in the morning and how even when she was sick from chemo she'd never be too mad when I woke up late and she'd still take me to the bus, I miss her crazy dresses and shoes that cost £200, I miss her smile and her hugs and her advice, I miss her despair at my lack of a social life, I miss they way she looked after my baby girl and how she'd always came with me to see her, I miss her stupid music, and her cooking (Yes even Salmon and fucking lentil burgers) Man I just miss her
Every fucking day, so much.
But people dont get it, case its been so long and im getting better
Like sure, but that doesn't mean im okay
and it sure as fuck doesn't mean I dont miss her.
My mum rocked, despite a lot of things.
I love her
goodnight
