fuck coming here and writing used to help. it does fuck all these days. got any more adivce?
Posted by bronwen wild on Friday, December 19, 2014
so, fun fact
im not doing so well
but that stopped being a surprise like three years ago
now its just
whatever
but
see
it still always comes as a surprise to me
because i'll have like an okay day
or five minutes
or something
something for like a sec wont be as awful
and then that will pass
and it will go back to how it was before
and my brain will be like
OH
HOLY FUCK
WHAT IS THIS SWEET INJUSTICE I FEEL BEFORE ME
OH CRUEL FATE
OH MIGHTY WIELDER OF DESTINY
MIGHT YOU COME TO My DOMAIN
AND TAKE FROM ME
OH WOE IS ME
THAT THIS MIGHT BEFALL A POOR MAIDEN SUCH AS MYSELF
and so on
and you see
i never quite remember how i survived the last time i felt like this
because i never really do
or rather thats all i do
i survive
i dont live
and it sucks
and i dont really know what to do about it
what i do know is
is that i wish i knew
i wish i had someone i could turn to
and be all like
hey
so today i was on the brink of such a huge melt down that my brain decided a twenty minute walk in a howling gale and fucking strong rain was my only option.
turns out i was right
or at least
it helped
im sure it wasn't my only option
if driving rain was the source of my happiness west wales would be my utopia
but yes
i wish i could talk to someone
but i dont know who i can talk to
i dont really want to bother anyone
i just feel like it would help
i doubt it would actually help though
it would probably just make me cry
and i cry a lot
i never used to mind
i used to struggle like fuck to cry
and i still cant cry like loudly
i did once
when tinny died
you know i lie about her to people
like
because i love talking about her
but it makes people sad to hear about dead things
so i just lie
because i cant lie about having an alive mother
but you can lie about a horse
im only saying good things so it cant be wrong right?
i mean, shes as good as still alive, i see her just as much
one day i might stop feeling bad about that
but i doubt it
and i'll never stop hating my family a little bit for never having even the smallest amount of time to go see her.
but i cried so hard for her
i felt like i was dieing
i kind of wish i had
she was my best friend
but thats off point
im not well
and i dont know what to do about it
i feel like im falling apart
and i just
i dont know
because i've been feeling like it for years
and i dont know how i get it to stop
or how to live with it
i dont remember how i did it last time
or the time before that
or the time before that
i dont remember
i dont remember
and i wish i did
because i could use it
i wish depression was as easy as anxiety
deep breaths
count to ten
cry
have shaky hands for a few hours
cry some more
try the breathing thing again
wake up do it all over
becuase aty least thats something
at least i can try
depression there is nothing
like what?
what can i do against a chemical imbalance?
im fucking crazy
and i dont like doctors
and we're moving in like a month anyway
so whats the use?
like you know?
fuck it i dont even know i just
whatever
fucking goodnight
im not doing so well
but that stopped being a surprise like three years ago
now its just
whatever
but
see
it still always comes as a surprise to me
because i'll have like an okay day
or five minutes
or something
something for like a sec wont be as awful
and then that will pass
and it will go back to how it was before
and my brain will be like
OH
HOLY FUCK
WHAT IS THIS SWEET INJUSTICE I FEEL BEFORE ME
OH CRUEL FATE
OH MIGHTY WIELDER OF DESTINY
MIGHT YOU COME TO My DOMAIN
AND TAKE FROM ME
OH WOE IS ME
THAT THIS MIGHT BEFALL A POOR MAIDEN SUCH AS MYSELF
and so on
and you see
i never quite remember how i survived the last time i felt like this
because i never really do
or rather thats all i do
i survive
i dont live
and it sucks
and i dont really know what to do about it
what i do know is
is that i wish i knew
i wish i had someone i could turn to
and be all like
hey
so today i was on the brink of such a huge melt down that my brain decided a twenty minute walk in a howling gale and fucking strong rain was my only option.
turns out i was right
or at least
it helped
im sure it wasn't my only option
if driving rain was the source of my happiness west wales would be my utopia
but yes
i wish i could talk to someone
but i dont know who i can talk to
i dont really want to bother anyone
i just feel like it would help
i doubt it would actually help though
it would probably just make me cry
and i cry a lot
i never used to mind
i used to struggle like fuck to cry
and i still cant cry like loudly
i did once
when tinny died
you know i lie about her to people
like
because i love talking about her
but it makes people sad to hear about dead things
so i just lie
because i cant lie about having an alive mother
but you can lie about a horse
im only saying good things so it cant be wrong right?
i mean, shes as good as still alive, i see her just as much
one day i might stop feeling bad about that
but i doubt it
and i'll never stop hating my family a little bit for never having even the smallest amount of time to go see her.
but i cried so hard for her
i felt like i was dieing
i kind of wish i had
she was my best friend
but thats off point
im not well
and i dont know what to do about it
i feel like im falling apart
and i just
i dont know
because i've been feeling like it for years
and i dont know how i get it to stop
or how to live with it
i dont remember how i did it last time
or the time before that
or the time before that
i dont remember
i dont remember
and i wish i did
because i could use it
i wish depression was as easy as anxiety
deep breaths
count to ten
cry
have shaky hands for a few hours
cry some more
try the breathing thing again
wake up do it all over
becuase aty least thats something
at least i can try
depression there is nothing
like what?
what can i do against a chemical imbalance?
im fucking crazy
and i dont like doctors
and we're moving in like a month anyway
so whats the use?
like you know?
fuck it i dont even know i just
whatever
fucking goodnight
