...

so
recently i cant control the way my hands shake
i think i need to go to the doctors
recently my dad has been asking for seventy thousand pounds
granny says we need to speak to our solicitors
recently i have been having stupidly bad urges to die
recently i have had to mindlessly numb my mind and keep myself away from sharp objects
i think i need to go to the doctors
recently i found out apparently im in an open relationship
somehow i liked it more when i wasn't sure at all
because at least then i didnt feel aloud to feel anything
recently i applied for yet another job with yet another no reply
i think i need to go to college
recently
i have been drowning in my own thoughts
i keep trying to tell people
ask people
reach out to people
thats what you're supposed to do right?
reach out to the people you love
the people you trust
but
they dont
reach
back
and im tired of not killing myself purely at their convenience
if they cared why arent they here now
its not like its subtle
its not like im keeping some secret
why should i not hurt myself just so they dont feel bad
just because it will make them sad
because they will miss me
but
the thing is
i've been gone for years
and when im around im usually at best half there
because my head is always swimming
feeling weird
i cant think straight
cant see straight
i just
it doesnt work
i dont work
so why dont they already miss me
and if they already miss me
they've survived three and a half years
they'll make it through more

i want to do so many things yola
i want to go to so many places
i want to ask so many questions
i want to be so much braver

i wish i had someone on my side
i think
i think i might
i
i think im going to

i think this is the longest i've gone
its been like 7 months
oh well

night yola
i am trying
honest