eupufvhjxs,gix, kill me
Posted by bronwen wild on Monday, September 2, 2013
So I start my new college in two days.
Well tomorrow now.. cause its almost one am on monday... so tomorrow (tuesday) shit goes down.
And
I dont know what to think
Because on the one hand... This is the first thing I have achieved in my life... you know?
Because I didn't get GCSE's and I didnt stay in school
But I did this. against all the odds. Cause fuck were there some cosmic fuckin forces trying to stop me from doing this.
But like... I did it. I passed. I fucking got my english gcse. And its not a lot and I know that when I look at other people and they have like 10A*'s and like still feel they could have done better.
but for me.. This is my do over
Because school sucked. And nearly killed me. And we just didn't get along.
School always told me I was brilliant when they couldnt see me... but told me I was worthless once they knew my name.
Left alone to do my work I was getting B's...
but that wasn't good enough to do my GCSE's...
I miss several weeks of lesons and my text prosessing exam is in a week... I've never attempted this paper before... Its the only thing I get a distinction in.
My tutor leaves, we're months behind on work and we still have four big units left to do.
Let me show you how I finish 7 units in two months. Let me show you how I finish on time before everyone else.
Now let me fucking show you my pass certificate
I would like to ask how fucking worthless am i if I can do that alone?
My mind may not work like yours
but excuse you
I know i'm clever and I know how hard i can work.
I was best in my class at french, history and RE
But then my mum got ill and I started going down hill.. but no one noticed... because I hand't told school.. cause I didnt want to cause a fuss
It wasn't untill I was being yelled at for not having my "contact diary signed" and me trying to explain that my mother was too tired and too ill in the mornings and wasn't fucking there at night and my fucking teacher getting pissy and asking why than I mumbled in that quiet fucking voice I always use when Im scared
"She has cancer"
And the whole room went dead. and i fucking well KNEW this is how it would be.
They didnt try to help. They just let me fall apart... but they then had the decency to not have a go at me for it.
People may look down on me for skipping school.. or dropping out.
but it was killing me
my anxiety was so bad doctors didnt even consider that possibility when I went in complaining of stomach pain so bad i couldn't walk... or eat or breath or think or exist...
I skipped school because without those boys.. that boy.. I'd be dead right now. I would have never gotten far enough... because I either would have carried on as normal... and broken soo hard. Because I wasn't fine. I wasnt fine. I wasn't okay. How can you believe that smile? This child who hasnt cried while we talk about how her life is falling apart before her eyes and shes all alone. Dont believe her.
But here I am...
and god how I want to say im better
but im not
And that worries me.
please please
just
why cant gina live here?
why cant that be a thing
because she is perfect
but i hate skype calls
because
im not good at talking
and my whole family can hear me
and I just like typing
but we're always in calll because shes always doing stuff
and that sucks
because
my
anxiety
doesnt
like
the
idea
of
that
]peifn[qugaergidgigei
I want to be normal and be looking forward to college
buut im not
because I wont fit in
and Im going to have no friends yet again
and just fuck
becuase
look at me
im not good at cosplay
and im not good at sewing
and I wont be good at fashion
and i dont know
im excited
and i want to do this
im just not kidding myself
the next two years are probably going to be hell.
Well tomorrow now.. cause its almost one am on monday... so tomorrow (tuesday) shit goes down.
And
I dont know what to think
Because on the one hand... This is the first thing I have achieved in my life... you know?
Because I didn't get GCSE's and I didnt stay in school
But I did this. against all the odds. Cause fuck were there some cosmic fuckin forces trying to stop me from doing this.
But like... I did it. I passed. I fucking got my english gcse. And its not a lot and I know that when I look at other people and they have like 10A*'s and like still feel they could have done better.
but for me.. This is my do over
Because school sucked. And nearly killed me. And we just didn't get along.
School always told me I was brilliant when they couldnt see me... but told me I was worthless once they knew my name.
Left alone to do my work I was getting B's...
but that wasn't good enough to do my GCSE's...
I miss several weeks of lesons and my text prosessing exam is in a week... I've never attempted this paper before... Its the only thing I get a distinction in.
My tutor leaves, we're months behind on work and we still have four big units left to do.
Let me show you how I finish 7 units in two months. Let me show you how I finish on time before everyone else.
Now let me fucking show you my pass certificate
I would like to ask how fucking worthless am i if I can do that alone?
My mind may not work like yours
but excuse you
I know i'm clever and I know how hard i can work.
I was best in my class at french, history and RE
But then my mum got ill and I started going down hill.. but no one noticed... because I hand't told school.. cause I didnt want to cause a fuss
It wasn't untill I was being yelled at for not having my "contact diary signed" and me trying to explain that my mother was too tired and too ill in the mornings and wasn't fucking there at night and my fucking teacher getting pissy and asking why than I mumbled in that quiet fucking voice I always use when Im scared
"She has cancer"
And the whole room went dead. and i fucking well KNEW this is how it would be.
They didnt try to help. They just let me fall apart... but they then had the decency to not have a go at me for it.
People may look down on me for skipping school.. or dropping out.
but it was killing me
my anxiety was so bad doctors didnt even consider that possibility when I went in complaining of stomach pain so bad i couldn't walk... or eat or breath or think or exist...
I skipped school because without those boys.. that boy.. I'd be dead right now. I would have never gotten far enough... because I either would have carried on as normal... and broken soo hard. Because I wasn't fine. I wasnt fine. I wasn't okay. How can you believe that smile? This child who hasnt cried while we talk about how her life is falling apart before her eyes and shes all alone. Dont believe her.
But here I am...
and god how I want to say im better
but im not
And that worries me.
please please
just
why cant gina live here?
why cant that be a thing
because she is perfect
but i hate skype calls
because
im not good at talking
and my whole family can hear me
and I just like typing
but we're always in calll because shes always doing stuff
and that sucks
because
my
anxiety
doesnt
like
the
idea
of
that
]peifn[qugaergidgigei
I want to be normal and be looking forward to college
buut im not
because I wont fit in
and Im going to have no friends yet again
and just fuck
becuase
look at me
im not good at cosplay
and im not good at sewing
and I wont be good at fashion
and i dont know
im excited
and i want to do this
im just not kidding myself
the next two years are probably going to be hell.
