if you're depressed and going crazy clap your hands *clap clap* 
if you're depressed and going crazy clap your hands *clap clap* 
If you're depressed and going crazy and you life's a little hazy
if you're depressed and going crazy clap your hands. 

i thought i'd start things off on a lighter note today with a song. 
I hope you liked it.
I wrote it myself... based it off a classic. 

but anyway. 

so the thing is yola 
that like
before i was depressed for a reason 
like 
i was just like "oh shit has happened boo hoo me, my life is so hard weh" 
but now its only really that last part, cause well... aside from being stuck in this hell hole, which is nothing new... nothing shit has happened.... 
but yet still... really fucking bad depression... and not just depression 
fucking suicidal thoughts every second of the day 
it's getting so god damn tireing 
and the other day I was talking to NNN and like cause he knows so much about me he was just like 
"hows things" 
and when I said "eh same as ever" 
He knew exactly what I meant
and we talked about stuff
and i cried 
because i forgot what it feels like to have someone just listen to you and care about what your saying like he does 
he's a fricking awesome friend
but anyway 
i just 
im never not down anymore 
you know?
like even in moments that are pretty normal like i'm watching a show or listening to music 
i'll just suddenly feel so sick of everything 
and just 
this little voice in my head is just like 
"I wonder what would happen in i killed myself right now" 
and i just 
it's getting pretty hard to be like 
"come now little voice, we have some living to do" 
because 
im 
not
fucking 
living
gee 
i dont know 
im just a simple girl who wants to do one thing in life 
but i've wanted to do one thing 
several times 
and im scared that this wont be how my head has imagined it either 
i just
i dont know 
and im so tired 
and this place is killing me 
i dont want to do anything stupid 
but i like 
i feel so pointless 
why is the world waiting resources on me? 
im a waste of air, of light, and space, and time, and food and water. I'm a waste. 
all i doo is take up space.