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Posted by bronwen wild on Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Okay
so im not exactly happy right now
but nice things happened today
so documenting that is important
its pretty much the same as always tbf
skype call with gina and lucy and dawid (I'm sorry he changed his name on skype so now i cant even check to see how its spelt)
and had an amusing talk with Nickie about kpop
which ended up with me following his friend ashley on tumblr
and i think i offened a boy
but OH WELL!
So it was a nice evening of talking to people
so i felt i should just say that
because at the moment
although depression is still there
i mean it a chemical imbalance in my brain
it dont fix over night
but
im feeling better these days
without college making my life a living hell
im actually... alright
And i have these phases all the time
so im not getting my hopes up because I always hate myself so much when this feelings fades away and i fall right back to how I was before.
and that may sound like a cop out or like I give up
but what i mean is
its like a good day. because good days are rare
you know those days where you want to redecroate your room and change the world and fight a bear
but then you sit down and you're like "actually I think i'll not." and maybe you do like some of it, like you move a lap or something
thats what it's like when i have good spells
I suddenly have all these grand thoughts of how okay i'll be and how i'll do this and that and go here and be like this and buy this and do that
and then i feel happy and excited about life
and then reaility sits me down and is like
"and how are you doing to do that?"
And i realise how dumb and naive all those thoughts were
and the enthusiasm disapates
sometimes it doesnt
like
im still into cosplay
im still into hair dying
im still into kpop
and anime
and wearing cool graphic shirts and skinny jeans
some of it sticks
but sometimes it doesnt
and I really hope my excitment doesnt go away
I really hope i do find a job and i do follow through with the plans i've made in the past few days
and I really hope I learn how to be happy
because
although i feel sad right now
and i really dont know why
i hope that i can get over this
the only problem is
i kinda think i need some progress pretty soon or im going to start giving up
i dont need much
maybe just less stomach pain
or less random crying
less anxiety? or an actual reason for the anixety beyond "life, college and everything."
Because like my anixety is better since i left college
but its not gone or even okay.
*sigh*
I dont know
I need a computer and help
I have neither
night yola
today was a happy day
and this was a hopeful post
it got a little iffy in the middle
but it was a happy hopeful post
so im not exactly happy right now
but nice things happened today
so documenting that is important
its pretty much the same as always tbf
skype call with gina and lucy and dawid (I'm sorry he changed his name on skype so now i cant even check to see how its spelt)
and had an amusing talk with Nickie about kpop
which ended up with me following his friend ashley on tumblr
and i think i offened a boy
but OH WELL!
So it was a nice evening of talking to people
so i felt i should just say that
because at the moment
although depression is still there
i mean it a chemical imbalance in my brain
it dont fix over night
but
im feeling better these days
without college making my life a living hell
im actually... alright
And i have these phases all the time
so im not getting my hopes up because I always hate myself so much when this feelings fades away and i fall right back to how I was before.
and that may sound like a cop out or like I give up
but what i mean is
its like a good day. because good days are rare
you know those days where you want to redecroate your room and change the world and fight a bear
but then you sit down and you're like "actually I think i'll not." and maybe you do like some of it, like you move a lap or something
thats what it's like when i have good spells
I suddenly have all these grand thoughts of how okay i'll be and how i'll do this and that and go here and be like this and buy this and do that
and then i feel happy and excited about life
and then reaility sits me down and is like
"and how are you doing to do that?"
And i realise how dumb and naive all those thoughts were
and the enthusiasm disapates
sometimes it doesnt
like
im still into cosplay
im still into hair dying
im still into kpop
and anime
and wearing cool graphic shirts and skinny jeans
some of it sticks
but sometimes it doesnt
and I really hope my excitment doesnt go away
I really hope i do find a job and i do follow through with the plans i've made in the past few days
and I really hope I learn how to be happy
because
although i feel sad right now
and i really dont know why
i hope that i can get over this
the only problem is
i kinda think i need some progress pretty soon or im going to start giving up
i dont need much
maybe just less stomach pain
or less random crying
less anxiety? or an actual reason for the anixety beyond "life, college and everything."
Because like my anixety is better since i left college
but its not gone or even okay.
*sigh*
I dont know
I need a computer and help
I have neither
night yola
today was a happy day
and this was a hopeful post
it got a little iffy in the middle
but it was a happy hopeful post
