bleh
Posted by bronwen wild on Monday, April 21, 2014
its not that i dont like talking to you.
because of course i do.
you are the only person who lives outside of my house i ever actually make an effort to talk to.
and i suck
i know i do
i hate skype
and you hate text chat
i disappear
sometimes for days
but
im tired of being made to feel like shit whenever i talk to you
as if you only talked to me so much before because you had no one else
as if all i am is money
and constantly being insulted
now,
i hate myself a lot less than i used to
and am aware you are joking
but yet,
near constant belittling and insult wears me down.
i hate group chats because i never know anyone else there
i dont even know their names usually
and no one talks to me
because similarly
no one knows of me
and yeah
i get that there is little point to asking whats wrong since, no im not going to tell you
but seriously would you expect me to?
when you dont listen?
ever?
like, to anything I have to say?
it gets so old.
not being listened to
you were mad at me when i didnt remember that you said it was already easter holidays with you
and I am sorry about that, like i dont even remember the topic coming up, so yeah. that's shit of me.
and although i do try not to be pretty
you didnt even remember when i told you i was planning on moving
or when i quit college
or when i started training
or when i left
and honestly
im trying not to write this
because this is the most pretty thing i've written in a long time
well...
i am very petty
its a vice i am aware of
and i am sorry
but its like
you are so hard to talk to
i dont even know how to ask about if we are even going out
like
are we?
what am I to you?
because i know who you are to me
but I dont even really know if I even matter to you
and im scared that maybe you just like me for money
not in a shallow way
but like
i dont know
or im scared you'll be like NN and make me feel bad about my money and like dislike me for it.
this is all terribly stupid and whiny and petty.
i know.
and im not even going to make excuses for it.
its all pathetic and dumb
god
its like
i care about you so much
but
talking to you is so hard
and i feel like you dont care about me
and you complain that i never tall you anything
but im a sucker for telling my sob story
if i feel like someone actually wants to know
i'll roll it all out like the whiny cunt i am
it's probably my fault.
im not saying its you.
i know its all in my head
and im just being dramatic and petty
i know you're not at fault
I know
and im sorry for whining
i'll get over it
or something
in any case
no worries
i wont tell
S'why i wrote it here
no one reads here
it's nothing
im sorry for whining
it's silly
sorry
and if any of this sounded like excuses or like im excusing myself of my failings, i dont mean it that way. I am shit. i know it and im sorry for it. i wish i could be better. maybe then i wouldnt be such a whiny asshole.
anyway
yes
im sorry
this was dumb
im sorry
sorry
bye
because of course i do.
you are the only person who lives outside of my house i ever actually make an effort to talk to.
and i suck
i know i do
i hate skype
and you hate text chat
i disappear
sometimes for days
but
im tired of being made to feel like shit whenever i talk to you
as if you only talked to me so much before because you had no one else
as if all i am is money
and constantly being insulted
now,
i hate myself a lot less than i used to
and am aware you are joking
but yet,
near constant belittling and insult wears me down.
i hate group chats because i never know anyone else there
i dont even know their names usually
and no one talks to me
because similarly
no one knows of me
and yeah
i get that there is little point to asking whats wrong since, no im not going to tell you
but seriously would you expect me to?
when you dont listen?
ever?
like, to anything I have to say?
it gets so old.
not being listened to
you were mad at me when i didnt remember that you said it was already easter holidays with you
and I am sorry about that, like i dont even remember the topic coming up, so yeah. that's shit of me.
and although i do try not to be pretty
you didnt even remember when i told you i was planning on moving
or when i quit college
or when i started training
or when i left
and honestly
im trying not to write this
because this is the most pretty thing i've written in a long time
well...
i am very petty
its a vice i am aware of
and i am sorry
but its like
you are so hard to talk to
i dont even know how to ask about if we are even going out
like
are we?
what am I to you?
because i know who you are to me
but I dont even really know if I even matter to you
and im scared that maybe you just like me for money
not in a shallow way
but like
i dont know
or im scared you'll be like NN and make me feel bad about my money and like dislike me for it.
this is all terribly stupid and whiny and petty.
i know.
and im not even going to make excuses for it.
its all pathetic and dumb
god
its like
i care about you so much
but
talking to you is so hard
and i feel like you dont care about me
and you complain that i never tall you anything
but im a sucker for telling my sob story
if i feel like someone actually wants to know
i'll roll it all out like the whiny cunt i am
it's probably my fault.
im not saying its you.
i know its all in my head
and im just being dramatic and petty
i know you're not at fault
I know
and im sorry for whining
i'll get over it
or something
in any case
no worries
i wont tell
S'why i wrote it here
no one reads here
it's nothing
im sorry for whining
it's silly
sorry
and if any of this sounded like excuses or like im excusing myself of my failings, i dont mean it that way. I am shit. i know it and im sorry for it. i wish i could be better. maybe then i wouldnt be such a whiny asshole.
anyway
yes
im sorry
this was dumb
im sorry
sorry
bye
