blargle
Posted by bronwen wild on Thursday, January 9, 2014
nothing will ever piss me off more than the fact that my brother ALWAYS eats all my food. Like every time dad goes shopping he will buy me like, a bar of chocolate, and a thing of pringles, sometimes if he is in a good mood he night get cookies too, and then they have to last until he next goes shopping... but. my fucking brother ALWAYS eats ALL of it, in like one evening. he will just come home from work and it it all. And like dont get me wrong, im a big beliver in eating your feelings, but eat your own fucking food, because there are other people in this house who are far more depressed than you who dont have the freedom to leave the house of their own free will, because i dont have nearly two grand to spend on learning to drive, getting a car and then getting fuckinf insurance, let alone fucking running the thing, because i cant get a job to pay for a car, because to get a job I NEED A FUCKING CAR. so i am stuck at home, whereas you had your car, lessons, and licence paid for you, and therfore can go the fuck out whenever you so wish. so stop eating my fucking food you cunt. either let me cut and dont get mad, or let me eat. because those are my options until i get the fuck away from this fucking hell hole shit cunt fucking middle of nowhere ass crack. I FUCKING HATE IT HERE. and its like people just forget or chose to ignore that there are places where its impossible to do anything when you dont have a car, even my dad it would fucking seem. or really my whole family, who are always telling me i should do more i go see my pony... but none are willing to ever give me lifts... i havent seen my horse, the fucking light of my life in over two years... because im tired of being made to feel guilty for asking... or asking for anything... ever... so now all i ask for is money... because thats about all i can get. money has no soul... it doesnt require effort, or time, or thought... but it can pay for the things that can take my mind away from the never ending fucking hell that this place is. it helps me to forget that this is essentally a glorfied cell without the title. i live around 10 miles from the nearest anything. there are no busses, and taxi's cost more than you imagine possible. And when i say the nearest anything... i mean ANYTHING... like my nearest town, is what most people call a villiage. it has... two shops? a post office... pubs (many)... two banks... and one mini supermarket that is so expencive you will cry. and the bus stop (not forgetting the shittiest high school the world has ever known). Cardigan is a bit bigger, it has a tesco and an aldi... but is still pretty fucking tiny, with shit all in it... Carmarthen is the closest actual town... it even has a cinema now (oooh fancy) But thats an hour away from emlyn, which is 10 minutes from my house... or two hours if i have to walk... although i've never walked to, only from (which nearly killed me because it was the hottest day of the year) but it took around two and a half hours, it might take more the other way, less downhill, more up hill... so yes, town is far away. im not lieing when i say i am litterally stuck here. in the middle of nowehre, in a feild. my closest neighbour is two fields and a cow shed away. (we share a driveway though)
ugh im rambling. im just so tired of my brother eating all my fucking food, cause i know i only mentioned the junk food, but he eats my actual food too.
like i know eating your feelings is bad, and i hate it... but i used to not eat my feelings, as is, if i was sad, i didnt eat. (ahh the days of being almost size 8 [yet still people would call me fat]) And i mean, no one shouts at me for this.... when i cut, or write on my arms, or hide away for days, or stop talking, or have panic attacks... people shout at me and get mad at me and are all mean and angry and its scary and upsetting... and i hate it... but no one cares about food... they dont care how much you eat, or how little you eat.... because when you're a girl of my size... if you dont eat, it's seen as good... the fat girl isnt eating for once, good for her... sort of thing... its no biig deal, she'll probably eat more later to make up for it... she wont miss it... but if i am seen eating, or eating a lot... well of course i am... im fat... makes sense that i eat lots.
so people dont care. i dont cause a bother, and they dont get angry at me. its a win win.
ach i dont know. im tired... and although... i've been like alright depression whise of late (its werid but im not all that depressed) My anxiety has been as bad, if not worse than ever. and im tired.
but whatever
nighty night
ugh im rambling. im just so tired of my brother eating all my fucking food, cause i know i only mentioned the junk food, but he eats my actual food too.
like i know eating your feelings is bad, and i hate it... but i used to not eat my feelings, as is, if i was sad, i didnt eat. (ahh the days of being almost size 8 [yet still people would call me fat]) And i mean, no one shouts at me for this.... when i cut, or write on my arms, or hide away for days, or stop talking, or have panic attacks... people shout at me and get mad at me and are all mean and angry and its scary and upsetting... and i hate it... but no one cares about food... they dont care how much you eat, or how little you eat.... because when you're a girl of my size... if you dont eat, it's seen as good... the fat girl isnt eating for once, good for her... sort of thing... its no biig deal, she'll probably eat more later to make up for it... she wont miss it... but if i am seen eating, or eating a lot... well of course i am... im fat... makes sense that i eat lots.
so people dont care. i dont cause a bother, and they dont get angry at me. its a win win.
ach i dont know. im tired... and although... i've been like alright depression whise of late (its werid but im not all that depressed) My anxiety has been as bad, if not worse than ever. and im tired.
but whatever
nighty night
