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Posted by bronwen wild on Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Hey yola, (this is going to be a long one, i can feel it, run, run away now)
Right so,
The thing is, i've been suicidal for a long ass time, right?
You know this, i know this... no one else really does... but still we know... and thats pretty good going.
So right, suicidal, lack of point in living, very much confused on why the world is, and all that sort of junk, you know, the usual fun stuff.
So while there's all that, like i've had several run in's with ambitions. There was that time i wanted to have a pony (fucking nailed that one) or the time I wanted to be a chef/ do the cake thing... turns out you need to not be terified of shouting and like lots of scary preasure that comes in a horrible angry sort of way for that to work out... so that didnt work out... and then i wanted to be a costume maker/ designer... bullshite... turns out i hated fashion, because it taught me none of the things i wanted to learn (and the people were horrible and very judgemental and i cbf with two years of deal with those assholes but that really is a secondary point, if i couldnt deal with assholes i wouldnt still be living at home) the course also didnt help my anxiety... by which i mean i became so suicidal because of how bad my anxiety was getting it actually terrified me. So that also didnt go so well.
You may well be seeing a theme here, yes, what with my oh so excellent school dropping out skills to top it all off. And i would agree... and this whole being an unescapable fuck up constantly... well it doesnt do well towards the whole seeing a point thing... which i try ever so hard to do because, apparently its selfish or something to kill yourself... even though i rather see it as selfish to ask someone to stay and suffer just for your benennefit, so you dont have to be bothered to be sad... i mean when animals are suffering putting them down is the 'right thing to do' and you ' couldnt bare to see them suffer' .... but a person? Nope they can suffer all they fuckin want... we wont help after we've guilt tripped them into staying... we'll just leave them to suffer.. alone.
But anyway, where was i? Ah yes, being a fuck up and lack of life point. Yeah so, you'd think we''ll no, it's quite understandable that people are a little questionable... and proably with good reason... but the bastards could at least try to do something towards helping me since they'll all ever so keen on my fucking staying here.
What is this they could be helping me with i hear you not ask because that will mean yet more ranting? Ahh well intrepid reader, it is a business idea, which for the simple reason that peopledo actually read this sometimes and im not a total moron im not actually going to write here.
But yes, i have this business idea, and have done for goodness, years. And the idea keeps on expanding like not is terribly big ways, but i like build a more solid plan in my head and like get a beet idea of what exactly i'd like to do and how it should look and you know, all that sort of crap... but everyone I even mention it to is just like... eh.
And i really dont think it can be the idea itself, because like i know i havent done any market reasurch yet, but just by looking at simple facts and sort of, rough figures i have in my head, it's pretty fucking good proof that there's at least something there to be explored, and that now is the fucking time to do it.
I dont even expect a big reaction, or even a medium one... just anying that isnt total dismisal really.
Who knows, maybe i am being too fanciful. Maybe they're right to pay little regard to it... but
I just want something i can be proud of, you know? Because i've never done a single fucking good thing in my life. Im a massive fucking waste of air, and i just want something that i've done that i can think 'yeah, alright i've done this, and that is good'
Which i dont think is a whole lot.. or maybe it is. I dont know... this brings me back to the whole
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS FUCKING PLANET AND ALL ITS FUCKING SHIT THAT GOES WITH IT, I DONT GET WHY I FEEL SELFISH FOR SLICING UP MY OWN FUCKING SKIN BECUASE DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO IT AFFECTS WHEN I TAKE A BALDE TO MY SKIN? ME THATS FUCKING WHO. NO ONE FUCKING ELSE. AND WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHY IT DOESNT AFFECT A SINGLE OTHER FUCKER ON THE PLANET? BECAUSE THEY NEVER FUCKING NOTICE. IF IT AFFECTED THEM THEY WOULD KNOW LONG BEFORE I FORGET TO TURN MY WRISTS AWAY. OR IN THE SUMMER WHEN I SHOW MY SHOULDERS, FORGETTING THAT I HAVE A FUCK LOAD OF NEW SCARS TO SHOW OFF. BECAUSE IF IT FUCKING AFFECTED THEM THEY WOULD CARE AND THEY WOULDTHINK ABOUT HOW FUCKING ALONE AND FUCKING MISERABLE I MUST HAVE BEEN TO TAKE A FUCKING BLADE AND SLICE THROUGH MY OWN FLESH. I DO NOT GET IT. WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME. YOU DIDNT EVEN NOTICE OR CARE ABOUT ME THREE SECONDS AGO AND NOW YOU'RE YELLING WHICH WILL ONLY LEAD TO MORE CUTTING. SO GOOD FOR FUCKING YOU. NOW FUCK OFF.
sorry
Im tired
And it really is a pet peev of mine.
I dont know yola. Im just really tried... and lonely. Like i've re-adjusted to being alone now... so it doesnt hurt anymore... i just miss it. I miss having someone who cares about me, who will ask how my day was as well as telling me about theirs. Because as much as i love listening to other people and being there and helping where i can... i just really would fucking love someone to show me the same kindness... but like to mean it... cause you get people who offer it... but it's sort of an empty threat... they are rellleaved when you say you're fine. And i know i've always been a bugger for it, but i'm one part not sure if you really want to know, and two parts DEAL GOD I DONT WANT TO BOTHER YOU. So it's hard
And sorry i told you this was going to be a long one.
Im just very sad and very tired and very ugly.
Goodnight yola.
It's a long life.
Right so,
The thing is, i've been suicidal for a long ass time, right?
You know this, i know this... no one else really does... but still we know... and thats pretty good going.
So right, suicidal, lack of point in living, very much confused on why the world is, and all that sort of junk, you know, the usual fun stuff.
So while there's all that, like i've had several run in's with ambitions. There was that time i wanted to have a pony (fucking nailed that one) or the time I wanted to be a chef/ do the cake thing... turns out you need to not be terified of shouting and like lots of scary preasure that comes in a horrible angry sort of way for that to work out... so that didnt work out... and then i wanted to be a costume maker/ designer... bullshite... turns out i hated fashion, because it taught me none of the things i wanted to learn (and the people were horrible and very judgemental and i cbf with two years of deal with those assholes but that really is a secondary point, if i couldnt deal with assholes i wouldnt still be living at home) the course also didnt help my anxiety... by which i mean i became so suicidal because of how bad my anxiety was getting it actually terrified me. So that also didnt go so well.
You may well be seeing a theme here, yes, what with my oh so excellent school dropping out skills to top it all off. And i would agree... and this whole being an unescapable fuck up constantly... well it doesnt do well towards the whole seeing a point thing... which i try ever so hard to do because, apparently its selfish or something to kill yourself... even though i rather see it as selfish to ask someone to stay and suffer just for your benennefit, so you dont have to be bothered to be sad... i mean when animals are suffering putting them down is the 'right thing to do' and you ' couldnt bare to see them suffer' .... but a person? Nope they can suffer all they fuckin want... we wont help after we've guilt tripped them into staying... we'll just leave them to suffer.. alone.
But anyway, where was i? Ah yes, being a fuck up and lack of life point. Yeah so, you'd think we''ll no, it's quite understandable that people are a little questionable... and proably with good reason... but the bastards could at least try to do something towards helping me since they'll all ever so keen on my fucking staying here.
What is this they could be helping me with i hear you not ask because that will mean yet more ranting? Ahh well intrepid reader, it is a business idea, which for the simple reason that peopledo actually read this sometimes and im not a total moron im not actually going to write here.
But yes, i have this business idea, and have done for goodness, years. And the idea keeps on expanding like not is terribly big ways, but i like build a more solid plan in my head and like get a beet idea of what exactly i'd like to do and how it should look and you know, all that sort of crap... but everyone I even mention it to is just like... eh.
And i really dont think it can be the idea itself, because like i know i havent done any market reasurch yet, but just by looking at simple facts and sort of, rough figures i have in my head, it's pretty fucking good proof that there's at least something there to be explored, and that now is the fucking time to do it.
I dont even expect a big reaction, or even a medium one... just anying that isnt total dismisal really.
Who knows, maybe i am being too fanciful. Maybe they're right to pay little regard to it... but
I just want something i can be proud of, you know? Because i've never done a single fucking good thing in my life. Im a massive fucking waste of air, and i just want something that i've done that i can think 'yeah, alright i've done this, and that is good'
Which i dont think is a whole lot.. or maybe it is. I dont know... this brings me back to the whole
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS FUCKING PLANET AND ALL ITS FUCKING SHIT THAT GOES WITH IT, I DONT GET WHY I FEEL SELFISH FOR SLICING UP MY OWN FUCKING SKIN BECUASE DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO IT AFFECTS WHEN I TAKE A BALDE TO MY SKIN? ME THATS FUCKING WHO. NO ONE FUCKING ELSE. AND WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHY IT DOESNT AFFECT A SINGLE OTHER FUCKER ON THE PLANET? BECAUSE THEY NEVER FUCKING NOTICE. IF IT AFFECTED THEM THEY WOULD KNOW LONG BEFORE I FORGET TO TURN MY WRISTS AWAY. OR IN THE SUMMER WHEN I SHOW MY SHOULDERS, FORGETTING THAT I HAVE A FUCK LOAD OF NEW SCARS TO SHOW OFF. BECAUSE IF IT FUCKING AFFECTED THEM THEY WOULD CARE AND THEY WOULDTHINK ABOUT HOW FUCKING ALONE AND FUCKING MISERABLE I MUST HAVE BEEN TO TAKE A FUCKING BLADE AND SLICE THROUGH MY OWN FLESH. I DO NOT GET IT. WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME. YOU DIDNT EVEN NOTICE OR CARE ABOUT ME THREE SECONDS AGO AND NOW YOU'RE YELLING WHICH WILL ONLY LEAD TO MORE CUTTING. SO GOOD FOR FUCKING YOU. NOW FUCK OFF.
sorry
Im tired
And it really is a pet peev of mine.
I dont know yola. Im just really tried... and lonely. Like i've re-adjusted to being alone now... so it doesnt hurt anymore... i just miss it. I miss having someone who cares about me, who will ask how my day was as well as telling me about theirs. Because as much as i love listening to other people and being there and helping where i can... i just really would fucking love someone to show me the same kindness... but like to mean it... cause you get people who offer it... but it's sort of an empty threat... they are rellleaved when you say you're fine. And i know i've always been a bugger for it, but i'm one part not sure if you really want to know, and two parts DEAL GOD I DONT WANT TO BOTHER YOU. So it's hard
And sorry i told you this was going to be a long one.
Im just very sad and very tired and very ugly.
Goodnight yola.
It's a long life.
