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Posted by bronwen wild on Wednesday, January 15, 2014
i dont get people yola. i really dont
me and dad got in a fight earlier, cause i annoyed him and he snapped at me... and being hormonal and him pretty much saying the exact thing that my anxiety and depression tell me every single second of my life, well lets put it lightly and say it hurt. and i just had to sit there, and try to pretend like he hadn't just taken my self esteam and stabbed it with knives, because who cries over something as dumb as their dad getting a little short with them, i mean hell, i know i was being an annoying brat. so i had to try not to cry... luckily i had the joy of needing to get to college...
and let me just tell you. I have cried slilently in cars many times in my life, i have held back tears many times in my life, i have held back tears in cars plenty... but today is the first time in my life i have litterally not been able to stop the tears. they just rolled down my face, i was holding back sobbs and like screaming at myself in my head to fucking stop crying, and trying to just get myself to calm down... but the tears were just trailing down my face and i couldnt wipe them away for fear of dad noticing... since i'd already been a little drama queen saying something like "im always upset" when he told me he didnt mean to upset... which is true, i am always sad, and he asked why and i cant really remember what i said.. but it was something like "Because of my depression and my anxiety" and then said something else about all the shit in my head.. i cant remember if i included a sort of "im upset because you have confirmed what i tell myself in my head" or not... but I know i added something about being tired of having to show off this fake ass happy persona whenever im around family because otherwise i get bitched at and my wrists are scanned for more reasons for them to yell at me... and then we said nothing.
and so i cried for the first 20 minutes of college quietly...
came home after going to tesco with the brother
and dad was acting like nothing happened
and he does it all the time so i should be used to it
but i dont know
i kind of expected something
anything
but nope
so whatever
but hey
its good to know i am fucking annoying, and that i never shut up and that my voice and existence do still piss everyone around me off.
god im a waste of space.
why am i fighting so hard to stay
when im just annoying anyway?
no one fucking wants me
im just annoying
"will you just shut up. you're fucking annoying you know that? do you ever listen to yourself?"
there was more i think but thats all i can remember clearly.
goodnight yola
im getting closer to not coming back.
me and dad got in a fight earlier, cause i annoyed him and he snapped at me... and being hormonal and him pretty much saying the exact thing that my anxiety and depression tell me every single second of my life, well lets put it lightly and say it hurt. and i just had to sit there, and try to pretend like he hadn't just taken my self esteam and stabbed it with knives, because who cries over something as dumb as their dad getting a little short with them, i mean hell, i know i was being an annoying brat. so i had to try not to cry... luckily i had the joy of needing to get to college...
and let me just tell you. I have cried slilently in cars many times in my life, i have held back tears many times in my life, i have held back tears in cars plenty... but today is the first time in my life i have litterally not been able to stop the tears. they just rolled down my face, i was holding back sobbs and like screaming at myself in my head to fucking stop crying, and trying to just get myself to calm down... but the tears were just trailing down my face and i couldnt wipe them away for fear of dad noticing... since i'd already been a little drama queen saying something like "im always upset" when he told me he didnt mean to upset... which is true, i am always sad, and he asked why and i cant really remember what i said.. but it was something like "Because of my depression and my anxiety" and then said something else about all the shit in my head.. i cant remember if i included a sort of "im upset because you have confirmed what i tell myself in my head" or not... but I know i added something about being tired of having to show off this fake ass happy persona whenever im around family because otherwise i get bitched at and my wrists are scanned for more reasons for them to yell at me... and then we said nothing.
and so i cried for the first 20 minutes of college quietly...
came home after going to tesco with the brother
and dad was acting like nothing happened
and he does it all the time so i should be used to it
but i dont know
i kind of expected something
anything
but nope
so whatever
but hey
its good to know i am fucking annoying, and that i never shut up and that my voice and existence do still piss everyone around me off.
god im a waste of space.
why am i fighting so hard to stay
when im just annoying anyway?
no one fucking wants me
im just annoying
"will you just shut up. you're fucking annoying you know that? do you ever listen to yourself?"
there was more i think but thats all i can remember clearly.
goodnight yola
im getting closer to not coming back.
