and so the whiny confusion continues
Posted by bronwen wild on Wednesday, June 26, 2013
so,
i just dont know anymore
well i dont think i ever knew
i just dont see the point now
i find it so very hard to explain in words why i find this life so confusing and fucking pointless.
none of the words seem to mean enough or say the right thing
but i do not have the words to make them better
I wish I was like John Green who can word things so beautifully
because then I could say things like
"the only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive"
Or
"its so hard to leave, until you leave. and then its the easiest god damn thing in the world"
Or
"What the hell is instant? nothing is instant. instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous."
Because these words understand me. which is why his books have always meant so much to me. espessialy Looking for Alaska. that book just. ugh. its beautiful. I mean sure. I Adore TFiOS and think it is Johns best book. But L4A just means so much more to me. if that makes sense.
but enough about books
This is about me not understanding
and not wanting to
I dont want to be okay with this life
because it fucking sucks
and no
It wont be okay if things turn out alright for me
because that just means I got lucky
no one wants the crappy job but someone has to do it, right?
So either I get lucky or I dont
If I do that means I have no right to be sad
If I dont
I'm just meant to suck it up because life's a bitch
It all seems hopeless and pointless and I really just dont understand why people willingly go through with this
but most of all I dont understand why I dont want to die
I never have
Like not in a
"I wish to not exist and for my heart to stop beating"
Kind of way
I have wanted to kill myself
But only to make it all fucking go away
to make it stop hurting
to stop being so scared
to not be alone anymore
because how can you feel alone when you cant feel anymore?
I have never wanted to actually die though
I was thinking about this the other day
like everytime I've tried to kill myself
or thought about killing myself
I always get most upset because I realize I dont want to die exactly but I have a reason to stay, nothing that will make it hurt less, or make it less confusing.
So everytime for the pure fact that some small part of me didn't want to actually die.. I've stayed here.
But that does not mean I'm afriad of dieing either.
Sometimes I am. Like right now. The thought of not existing anymore. To just become void... is well... unsettleing. it doesnt scare me.. I just, dont want that.
Whereas I know I have had times when the thought of not existing has sounded inviting. when the thought of death was a comfort. When the promise of "no more" was enough.
And maybe it is just teenage angst
And maybe I will grow out of it
But I have to grow up to grow out of it
I have to get older
and someimes I really dont want to
But pther tiimes
I think
"but I want to see what I'll do when probate comes out...." or "but I want to see what I grow up to do..." Or "But I want to grow up and see how this pans out"
But then I think
Does it even matter?
When the people in your life dont miss you now
why would they miss you then?
Becasue life will still go on
mine is isnt it?
And mum's dead
I mean it hurts
and I am so fucked up because of it
but I'm still here
freaking out over college
and the thought of failing once again
moving forward (soft of) regardless of whether shes here or not.
and I cared about her a lot
so surely my loss will mean nothing to most
sure
I then feel bad
because I mean, padi will miss me right?
and I dont want to mess his life up more
he hurts just as much as i do
he's had to give up just as much if not more than me
But he's the only one.
everyone else has left so easily
the ones who'ves "loved" me like Jake and Adam and Nick
The ones who were my best friends, like Sian and Jessie and Sioned.
The people who told me they cares, like Dianna, and Selina and my family
Because like Payton said in OTH people always leave.
and its ironic that that show became a safety blanket for me
sinse the friend who showed it to me left the same time it did.
And I have to wonder
Is any love like the loves they drug us with
are there any that are that pure and simple and true?
because I was also filled with stories of magic and princes and princesses and beautiful far away places where good always won out over evil and where everything was okay in the end.
And everyone just accepts that these arent real
theres no magic
or fae
or far away places
and there are few happy endings
but supposedly
love
is the one thing in these fairy tales that is true
but is it though?
because I've been in love
and our happily ever after ended in him leaving and me although being sadder becoming more mentally stable
I just dont believe in it
yet I need it
I need someone to hold and love and to remind me that there is some good in this life
that there is some reason to wake up
but saddly I am alone
And as i've said pretty much every day my entire life
its the one thing i'm most afraid of.
being by myself
thats fine
and i'm getting better at that
but being alone
oh how it scares me
i dont think anyone likes being alone
but I know I hate it
All I need is someone to look after
Someone I can care for and not have to appologise to for doing so
I dont need them to care about me all that much
Just so long as I get to cuddle them and play with their hair.
It just all feels rather hopeless
and I've been feeling it more and more recently
and I dont know what to do about it
hence why im here at one am writing what one can only call a fucking essay of a whiny rant
but you see,
this is the only place I have to talk to
So this is the only place I can let out my thoughts
Because if I dont let them out they eat me alive
and now that I dont have a laptop to fall asleep to, thats very troublesom
well
I guess I shall bid you a goodnight yola.
thankyou for being there
and dear person who still reads this blog
you can only be one of three possible people.
Number one, you are Nicholas, in which case, we both know you stopped caring a long ass time ago so please leave.
Number Two, you are Sian, in which case, You were the one who stopped talking to me. Never even asking for my side of things. I appologized to you but you still ignored me. You hurt me more than words will ever say. And I do not wish for you to continue reading my thoughts sinse you clearly never cared about them before.
or thirdly, you have somehow had the horrible misfortune of stumbling upon my wensite of misery and have backed away slowly never getting to this point. in whichcase WONDERFUL because I dont want a single fucking soul reading this place.
And so. goodnight.
i just dont know anymore
well i dont think i ever knew
i just dont see the point now
i find it so very hard to explain in words why i find this life so confusing and fucking pointless.
none of the words seem to mean enough or say the right thing
but i do not have the words to make them better
I wish I was like John Green who can word things so beautifully
because then I could say things like
"the only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive"
Or
"its so hard to leave, until you leave. and then its the easiest god damn thing in the world"
Or
"What the hell is instant? nothing is instant. instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous."
Because these words understand me. which is why his books have always meant so much to me. espessialy Looking for Alaska. that book just. ugh. its beautiful. I mean sure. I Adore TFiOS and think it is Johns best book. But L4A just means so much more to me. if that makes sense.
but enough about books
This is about me not understanding
and not wanting to
I dont want to be okay with this life
because it fucking sucks
and no
It wont be okay if things turn out alright for me
because that just means I got lucky
no one wants the crappy job but someone has to do it, right?
So either I get lucky or I dont
If I do that means I have no right to be sad
If I dont
I'm just meant to suck it up because life's a bitch
It all seems hopeless and pointless and I really just dont understand why people willingly go through with this
but most of all I dont understand why I dont want to die
I never have
Like not in a
"I wish to not exist and for my heart to stop beating"
Kind of way
I have wanted to kill myself
But only to make it all fucking go away
to make it stop hurting
to stop being so scared
to not be alone anymore
because how can you feel alone when you cant feel anymore?
I have never wanted to actually die though
I was thinking about this the other day
like everytime I've tried to kill myself
or thought about killing myself
I always get most upset because I realize I dont want to die exactly but I have a reason to stay, nothing that will make it hurt less, or make it less confusing.
So everytime for the pure fact that some small part of me didn't want to actually die.. I've stayed here.
But that does not mean I'm afriad of dieing either.
Sometimes I am. Like right now. The thought of not existing anymore. To just become void... is well... unsettleing. it doesnt scare me.. I just, dont want that.
Whereas I know I have had times when the thought of not existing has sounded inviting. when the thought of death was a comfort. When the promise of "no more" was enough.
And maybe it is just teenage angst
And maybe I will grow out of it
But I have to grow up to grow out of it
I have to get older
and someimes I really dont want to
But pther tiimes
I think
"but I want to see what I'll do when probate comes out...." or "but I want to see what I grow up to do..." Or "But I want to grow up and see how this pans out"
But then I think
Does it even matter?
When the people in your life dont miss you now
why would they miss you then?
Becasue life will still go on
mine is isnt it?
And mum's dead
I mean it hurts
and I am so fucked up because of it
but I'm still here
freaking out over college
and the thought of failing once again
moving forward (soft of) regardless of whether shes here or not.
and I cared about her a lot
so surely my loss will mean nothing to most
sure
I then feel bad
because I mean, padi will miss me right?
and I dont want to mess his life up more
he hurts just as much as i do
he's had to give up just as much if not more than me
But he's the only one.
everyone else has left so easily
the ones who'ves "loved" me like Jake and Adam and Nick
The ones who were my best friends, like Sian and Jessie and Sioned.
The people who told me they cares, like Dianna, and Selina and my family
Because like Payton said in OTH people always leave.
and its ironic that that show became a safety blanket for me
sinse the friend who showed it to me left the same time it did.
And I have to wonder
Is any love like the loves they drug us with
are there any that are that pure and simple and true?
because I was also filled with stories of magic and princes and princesses and beautiful far away places where good always won out over evil and where everything was okay in the end.
And everyone just accepts that these arent real
theres no magic
or fae
or far away places
and there are few happy endings
but supposedly
love
is the one thing in these fairy tales that is true
but is it though?
because I've been in love
and our happily ever after ended in him leaving and me although being sadder becoming more mentally stable
I just dont believe in it
yet I need it
I need someone to hold and love and to remind me that there is some good in this life
that there is some reason to wake up
but saddly I am alone
And as i've said pretty much every day my entire life
its the one thing i'm most afraid of.
being by myself
thats fine
and i'm getting better at that
but being alone
oh how it scares me
i dont think anyone likes being alone
but I know I hate it
All I need is someone to look after
Someone I can care for and not have to appologise to for doing so
I dont need them to care about me all that much
Just so long as I get to cuddle them and play with their hair.
It just all feels rather hopeless
and I've been feeling it more and more recently
and I dont know what to do about it
hence why im here at one am writing what one can only call a fucking essay of a whiny rant
but you see,
this is the only place I have to talk to
So this is the only place I can let out my thoughts
Because if I dont let them out they eat me alive
and now that I dont have a laptop to fall asleep to, thats very troublesom
well
I guess I shall bid you a goodnight yola.
thankyou for being there
and dear person who still reads this blog
you can only be one of three possible people.
Number one, you are Nicholas, in which case, we both know you stopped caring a long ass time ago so please leave.
Number Two, you are Sian, in which case, You were the one who stopped talking to me. Never even asking for my side of things. I appologized to you but you still ignored me. You hurt me more than words will ever say. And I do not wish for you to continue reading my thoughts sinse you clearly never cared about them before.
or thirdly, you have somehow had the horrible misfortune of stumbling upon my wensite of misery and have backed away slowly never getting to this point. in whichcase WONDERFUL because I dont want a single fucking soul reading this place.
And so. goodnight.
