An early morning letter to mammy
Posted by bronwen wild on Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Dear Mammy.
Yesterday would have been your 47th birthday. And I can't help feeling that the fact that its this week. Exactly one week before my first exam should be, and four days before 'prom'. That its as if the world is trying to remind me how you're never going to be there for the important moments in my life. And I hate that. And I hate Padi for the fact that he got to be 21 when you died. He'd been to school, gone to prom, done his a levels and gone to uni, had a car bought for him and driving lessons, but most of all I hate him cause he got seven more years with you than I did. And because of that he can probably remember an awful lot more of you than just the last 5 years. And it hurts you know.. Like you dont want it to, but it gets to you when people talk about their mums. Be it good or bad. Because the bad makes me want to hit them and make them just hug her all day every day and never letting her out of their sight. And the good stuff just makes me sad. And in this stupid place theres so much that reminds me of you Its like I can''t get away. Never a moments rest. Wake up in the morning remember picking out the curtains with you, look in the corner, remember listening to the just so stories while you and dad argue about everything even before this was hellhole is done. Go into town, see things you would love, people you knew, places you used to go. Fuck I can't even go see my pony the fucking love of my life and the best thing that ever happened to me because all I can think about is you. And how that Tilly was our thing. And even though when Im there all the other pain stops my heart breaks and I leave sadder than I was before. And I'm scared to go back.
I've just been missing you a lot recently mammy. and I wish I could talk to you.
Bye for now for now I guess
Yesterday would have been your 47th birthday. And I can't help feeling that the fact that its this week. Exactly one week before my first exam should be, and four days before 'prom'. That its as if the world is trying to remind me how you're never going to be there for the important moments in my life. And I hate that. And I hate Padi for the fact that he got to be 21 when you died. He'd been to school, gone to prom, done his a levels and gone to uni, had a car bought for him and driving lessons, but most of all I hate him cause he got seven more years with you than I did. And because of that he can probably remember an awful lot more of you than just the last 5 years. And it hurts you know.. Like you dont want it to, but it gets to you when people talk about their mums. Be it good or bad. Because the bad makes me want to hit them and make them just hug her all day every day and never letting her out of their sight. And the good stuff just makes me sad. And in this stupid place theres so much that reminds me of you Its like I can''t get away. Never a moments rest. Wake up in the morning remember picking out the curtains with you, look in the corner, remember listening to the just so stories while you and dad argue about everything even before this was hellhole is done. Go into town, see things you would love, people you knew, places you used to go. Fuck I can't even go see my pony the fucking love of my life and the best thing that ever happened to me because all I can think about is you. And how that Tilly was our thing. And even though when Im there all the other pain stops my heart breaks and I leave sadder than I was before. And I'm scared to go back.
I've just been missing you a lot recently mammy. and I wish I could talk to you.
Bye for now for now I guess
