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Posted by bronwen wild on Tuesday, October 1, 2013
It amuses the fuck out of me that people still stumble across this and read it.
I'm just an angsty as fuck teenager with no other outlet (well fanfiction but that only really covers my need to be cute and cuddle with people)
but yes
todays topic
JOY!
lol no
but still
i've been thinking
like
what makes me happy,
what makes me feel good about myself
beside having fuckin rad hair
is being who I am
And comppleatly wearing that on my sleve
because thats just how I am
I will be reluctant to even tell you how many parents I have until I am 100% sure we're 100% friends
But you want to know EXACTLY what im into and what mood im in and what sort of person I am?
Then take a peek at my clothes darling
I mean
I will of fuckin course still wear jeans and tee's more than anything else
becuase my life is teeshirts
but
like
some days I want to be girly sammie
and other days I want to be sharp as fuck dude sammie
you get me?
But most of all I want to feel happy in my self
because a lot of my anixety i think, comes from not being able to express my idenity truely.
which sucks
because like
if I had a smaller chest there would be no issues
but as I have a double D chest and it was like that even before I got fat
well
I'm a tad fucked
because
you cant pass as a dude
with tits like mine
and people always get really awkward if I wear my binder
not that that's exactly a long term solution anyway
because with a chest like mine, binding it down, one only makes it smaller, not gone and two, cant be good for my health.
but it makes me happy
and less anxious
because its like
im not lieing
3000000000% of the time anymore when I wear it
When I wore it to comic con wearing my exo shirt
I swear to god that was the best fucking feeling in the world
And I really do want people to see the male side of me as the default
and for the girl me to be the oone who makes special appearances
that being said
i do want to be 'girly'
Like
makeup
cute clothes
fucking cute as balls
cute
'girly'
but
like
these are
big dreams
and ones my family wont accept
so II need to be away from them
One day
When I move out of here
Maybe even when me and padi go our own ways
So in a few years
but for now
I think I might work on girly me
Because I've always been super scared of showing my girly side
because I REALLY JUST FUCKING WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ME AS A GUY OKAY AND THAT MEANS NO BEING GIRLY AND NO FUCKIN BEING CUTE OT LIKING GIRL THINGS GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.
but
thats dumb as balls
so im going to like kpop and boy bands and cute actors
im going to have and wear makeup
im going to buy nice cute, girly clothing
it doesnt have to be super girly
just girly-er
less just tshirts
The dude side of me can wait
He's been there my whole life
the girl side has been repressed and hated
because
For a long ass time I just hated being called girly or people thinking i was girly or doing girly things
girly was just bad
and i get it now
but i didnt even know i was doing it back then
and then I thought I was trans
and like, my whole love of girly things
just
threw me
and I was super scared
and repressed girly things even more
but now im here
im bi-gender. And thats fucking cool
I want people to call me sam or sammie because I one, like the name and two, it's fairly gender neautral right?
guys are called sam/sammie, girls are called sam/sammie.
So I can have the same name all the time
and people can pick and choose pronouns and do whatever
so if you arent comfortable seeing me as a dude
thats okay
im both
but I'd love it if you could try
like
I wasnt people to see me as a guy
I would love that like a lot
but
being a girl isnt so bad
I want too be pretty too
And i want to be able to wear pretty dresses and get all dressed up
but maybe sometimes I want to dress up in suits
and I want to be handsom instead of pretty
manly not cute.
is that asking too much?
maybe
but I dont want that for now
myabe I need it
but I can wait
and thats totally okay
becuase this is new
and a year and a half ago i thought I was trans
these things take time
and most of this is about me
so im taking time to do that
because I need to
because the future need to look brighter
I keep on casually considering suicide
but death scares me at the moment
and I want to keep it that way
I want to have things to live for
i want to grow happyer
I want to fight this
but I need help and I need to grow and be myself
or I wont even last the year.
I havent cut though
Not once
And I was bad
I was really bad
okay no thats a lie
i did cut once
but it wasnt much
and it was while II was still in college
and it was a wonder i didnt kill myself that night
and Im so glad im out of there
and i really need to sort out getting a job
but we also need to make moving out of here look more like a possibility.
i dont know
im going to work on girly me
and im going to go
night night yola
sorry for going on
xoxox
I'm just an angsty as fuck teenager with no other outlet (well fanfiction but that only really covers my need to be cute and cuddle with people)
but yes
todays topic
JOY!
lol no
but still
i've been thinking
like
what makes me happy,
what makes me feel good about myself
beside having fuckin rad hair
is being who I am
And comppleatly wearing that on my sleve
because thats just how I am
I will be reluctant to even tell you how many parents I have until I am 100% sure we're 100% friends
But you want to know EXACTLY what im into and what mood im in and what sort of person I am?
Then take a peek at my clothes darling
I mean
I will of fuckin course still wear jeans and tee's more than anything else
becuase my life is teeshirts
but
like
some days I want to be girly sammie
and other days I want to be sharp as fuck dude sammie
you get me?
But most of all I want to feel happy in my self
because a lot of my anixety i think, comes from not being able to express my idenity truely.
which sucks
because like
if I had a smaller chest there would be no issues
but as I have a double D chest and it was like that even before I got fat
well
I'm a tad fucked
because
you cant pass as a dude
with tits like mine
and people always get really awkward if I wear my binder
not that that's exactly a long term solution anyway
because with a chest like mine, binding it down, one only makes it smaller, not gone and two, cant be good for my health.
but it makes me happy
and less anxious
because its like
im not lieing
3000000000% of the time anymore when I wear it
When I wore it to comic con wearing my exo shirt
I swear to god that was the best fucking feeling in the world
And I really do want people to see the male side of me as the default
and for the girl me to be the oone who makes special appearances
that being said
i do want to be 'girly'
Like
makeup
cute clothes
fucking cute as balls
cute
'girly'
but
like
these are
big dreams
and ones my family wont accept
so II need to be away from them
One day
When I move out of here
Maybe even when me and padi go our own ways
So in a few years
but for now
I think I might work on girly me
Because I've always been super scared of showing my girly side
because I REALLY JUST FUCKING WANT PEOPLE TO SEE ME AS A GUY OKAY AND THAT MEANS NO BEING GIRLY AND NO FUCKIN BEING CUTE OT LIKING GIRL THINGS GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.
but
thats dumb as balls
so im going to like kpop and boy bands and cute actors
im going to have and wear makeup
im going to buy nice cute, girly clothing
it doesnt have to be super girly
just girly-er
less just tshirts
The dude side of me can wait
He's been there my whole life
the girl side has been repressed and hated
because
For a long ass time I just hated being called girly or people thinking i was girly or doing girly things
girly was just bad
and i get it now
but i didnt even know i was doing it back then
and then I thought I was trans
and like, my whole love of girly things
just
threw me
and I was super scared
and repressed girly things even more
but now im here
im bi-gender. And thats fucking cool
I want people to call me sam or sammie because I one, like the name and two, it's fairly gender neautral right?
guys are called sam/sammie, girls are called sam/sammie.
So I can have the same name all the time
and people can pick and choose pronouns and do whatever
so if you arent comfortable seeing me as a dude
thats okay
im both
but I'd love it if you could try
like
I wasnt people to see me as a guy
I would love that like a lot
but
being a girl isnt so bad
I want too be pretty too
And i want to be able to wear pretty dresses and get all dressed up
but maybe sometimes I want to dress up in suits
and I want to be handsom instead of pretty
manly not cute.
is that asking too much?
maybe
but I dont want that for now
myabe I need it
but I can wait
and thats totally okay
becuase this is new
and a year and a half ago i thought I was trans
these things take time
and most of this is about me
so im taking time to do that
because I need to
because the future need to look brighter
I keep on casually considering suicide
but death scares me at the moment
and I want to keep it that way
I want to have things to live for
i want to grow happyer
I want to fight this
but I need help and I need to grow and be myself
or I wont even last the year.
I havent cut though
Not once
And I was bad
I was really bad
okay no thats a lie
i did cut once
but it wasnt much
and it was while II was still in college
and it was a wonder i didnt kill myself that night
and Im so glad im out of there
and i really need to sort out getting a job
but we also need to make moving out of here look more like a possibility.
i dont know
im going to work on girly me
and im going to go
night night yola
sorry for going on
xoxox
