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final post. 2016

Sun, 18 Dec 2016 06:36:46 +0100

its strange. the things that change over time. The things that hurt. memories. me.
I remember being 12 and being so in love with adam. Making my first blog. spending my life on msn until the day it died.
I remember my first kiss with Jaz and all the time that has passed since then. Her becoming who she is. and me becoming, well. me.
But mostly. of course. if im here, its only ever meant one thing. Nick. this year is the sixth full year I have known him. And i just spent hours scrolling back through 4 years worth of chat. back to the breakup. it funny. I used to read them and long for him. long for love. I used to cry. now i feel fond. how lucky was I to have a friend so dear. who still invites me to go sword fighting. and i want to go. i just never have sundays off.
I keep coming back here yola. to tell you how i've changed. how im doing well.
but i think this really may be the end. over a year ago I last visited.
and the finial chapters of the story that i started here so long ago have finally closed.

So, let me, in the spirit of this blog. tell you about me.

My name is Bryony.
I am 21 years old.
I live in Wales.
I work in a 24 hour coffee shop.
And I'm buying my own home.
I have short. very short reddy brown hair, brown eyes and a bad complexion.
I love kpop and asian dramas, because they make me happy. I dont like them because the people are attractive or because i want to be one of them or be in one of them or because i have somebullshit idealistic view of korea in my head. its just that the music is good, and fun, and the fandom is part of the point. not just an after effect.
I work 42 hours a week and spend the rest on tumblr.
this year we sold my mothers house. probate is done. my mother died when I was 13. A trauma I am still not over.
my dad is an asshole, but he's working on it.
My brother has found a partner that is good for him. finally.
I still have bad mental health.
My bad days are bad. and my good days arent often.
I like the friends I have now.
I suffer chronic back and knee pain.
but I will suffer 1000 days of this than have a second of my stomach pain again.
A company thats not my own tried to teal me to their own. i didn't go.
I have finally come to terms with a label for myself. for now.
I am demisexual. And while I would love to be loved. I do not need it. and i dont want sex. like at all.
And my gender? who knows? but I can live being called her. and i can live with the days i cant.
My name is Samuel. and I am 21 years old. I never though I'd let myself live past 18, but I havent cut in 10 months. and I havent tried to kill myself in 3 years.
I want to travel, but im deathly affraid to go alone.
I used to be worried i'd be in love with nick forever.
I think
Im finally not.

goodnight.

dear yola

Wed, 02 Sep 2015 07:36:34 +0100

i dont come to talk to you as much anymore. i think, some part of me has grown out of talking to what is essentially a wall. but you have been with me for so long I feel like I owe it to you to come back at least this once.

I was so young and scared when I came here. Do you remember? The world was too big and I was much too small.

I'm not much older now. still small, still scared. but yola, I got away. Away from my toxic family and my toxic home. I've been gone for 18 months now and have never. not once. wanted to go back.

I have a job now. A job im pretty good at. I work hard and I work long hours. I am tired most of the time. but its mine and I do it and thats so freaking cool.

hold that thought

Tue, 30 Jun 2015 03:59:32 +0100

I miss the stars and i miss the moonlight
i miss clear night at nidnight
i miss everything i knew i would
i miss it
i miss my dog
and i miss my house and i miss the quiet

hey yola

Sun, 17 May 2015 18:19:17 +0100

Hey yola,

so i was thinking while walking home earlier.
you know,
it not so much that i dont feel female, because i dont really know how that would feel.... but more like i just dont feel comfortable with other people perceiving me as female.
despite me best efforts.
take a few years back, for example. i went through a period where all i wanted was to dress like a girl. to wear make up, nice clothes and have pretty hair. a girl.
however, i hated not only myself but my body an awful lot back then. and everything i wore made me feel fat, stupid and foolish. now, back then i just figured i was insecure about my weight.
but then lets take a look at the past shall we;
i loved LOVED dressing up when i was little. fairies, princesses, you name it. always played bad ass queens or rebellious daughters. always chose girl characters on RPG's.
so its not like 'female' and I never got on. and to some extent I think we still do.
however,
if we think on then when i wore a dress at MCM or if i wear something slightly more feminine, or wear makeup out of the house... I feel foolish. I feel like im wearing a neon sign that alerts everyone to my foolishness. and it makes me wonder why. because at home makeup makes me feel good. i like the person i am in makeup. i like dresses and skirts and shoes. there is nothing wrong with any of those things.
but then
they are 'female' are they not
and maybe thats it.
because when you're in a skirt/dress/makeup people automatically perceive you as female
and although i myself have nothing against my female side
i feel that maybe deep down my wish to be seen as male, for people to not see me as 'girl' acts out against my outward appearance.
like, there's little i can do about my tits or my voice, but i can not wear makeup and i can wear figure hiding clothes. girly clothes accentuate everything 'girly' about my body.
and yeah somedays thats okay.
but most days i just wish for something a bit more... manly.
and i thought of a way to word this so much better walking home.
but basically;
girls clothes make me feel like im in bad cosplay, making a fool out of myself and making everyone else laugh at me for being so foolish.
so yeah. do with that what you will. goodnight and good bye. xxx
sam out

oh dear

Thu, 02 Apr 2015 18:39:05 +0100

dear yola,

im suicidal again

my snixety is awful
and it's screwing me up again

i feel like I should tell someone but I have no one to tell

so I hope I dont fuck anything up

and i sure do hope I dont end up killing myself

it would be such a let down after all these years

i wish someone would tell me it's okay

because i dont feel like it is

and i dont want to die

but everything feels so damn hopeless

i mean this cant be it

this cant be all that is left

yeah its another one of these

Tue, 10 Mar 2015 00:49:29 +0100

You know,
sometimes i think I havent come very far in the last 5 years.
sometimes I feel like I've always been this way and always will be
but I have moments where I step back and I think
"gee, what a long way I have come."
see, last night i gave myself an awful haircut.
It's much shorter than I intended and the fringe just doesn't work.
the thing is,
a few years ago this would have been devastating. my hair was probably the only 'together' part of my body. the rest of me was a hot mess.
But now, I look at this disaster of a hair cut and smile.
Hell, I looked in the damn mirror and said
"Ah well, I'm still cute"
And meant it.
because god damn it I am cute!
and then I think about how I went for an interview today
and sure, it took my three hours to get ready
and my stomach felt like there was construction work going on down there
but I still made it
and smiled and laughed and did my best at being me
and they invited me back
now that doesnt mean I'll get the job or d well on friday
but its more than nothing
and last friday I went to work
despite my anxiety
and I read some old blog posts yesterday
off my old blog
and I realized how fucking far I have come
I was a scared, hopeless, confused, child
But I survived that
so maybe I can survive this
and maybe when I'm 25 or 30 I'll be able to look back on this and think
"look how far I've come"
and really
what more could I ask for?

love from sam.
I'm doing better.
xxx

dear me from myself

Tue, 10 Mar 2015 00:51:50 +0100

Dear 15 year old me,

Today, in your life someone probably told you that you are fat, or ugly or maybe both. I know you most definitely told yourself that today and much worse. So i just wanted to write you a letter.

First of all I am 19 now, and no longer live at home. I live in the city now and am working towards becoming a real productive member of society. I've been home once in the past 8 or so months. Dad misses me.

Second, I am no longer seeing that boy you're in love with. He hurt me quite a lot, but that's okay. He didn't mean to, and I forgave him a long time ago. We are friends now. Sort of. He lives here too. I don't see him much though.

Third, I found something I care about more than self harm. It's called kpop, you'll love it. one night, in a few years time you will stand in the moonlight with nothing but your ipod and you will dance. Your heart will soar higher than you remember ever being possible before and you will know, right then that things will get better and that this feeling and this music are here to stay. So although we have moved away from the stars, music is very much here to stay.

Fourth, I have decided to give myself a dream. Or rather, a long term goal. Yes, thats right. No longer am I the "no further than a week in advance" girl. Now I am the person with a dream. I want to be able to speak 11 languages by the time im 30. I want to be able to speak them well by 35 and I would love to be fluent in at least 5 of them by 40. And as I learn I wish to go traveling to all the places who's languages I can speak. I wish to know their cultures and customs as well as their words.

And lastly, but oh my is it the most important. I dont hate myself anymore. I'm still depressed, im still anxious and I still dont look exactly as i would like, but do you know what? I'm cute as hell. From my acne to my squishy belly to my thunder god thighs. I am pretty, and I am clever and I am capable. I do not love myself all the time, but I have leaned to like myself, because in the end, im not so bad after all.

So today I looked in the mirror, at my bad skin and chubby face and smiled. Because I am happy with myself and you'll learn to be too. Dont be so hard on yourself kid, you're wonderful.

love from a slightly older you.
xxx

gyah

Sat, 21 Feb 2015 23:40:54 +0100

I think I accidentally swapped chewing my nails for talking to my friends
because now i have fucking great nails that are long and smooth and healthy
but i have not spoken to my friends properly for weeks.

its not even like i miss it
i have no desire to speak to them
not because i dont like them
just because
i dont know
i just
dont
like i like them
and want to be their friend
which is why i am constantly hounded by thoughts of
"i should be online"
but im not
and i know its not fair of me
i am a shitty friend
I keep on meeting people during good periods
and then i get worse again
and im left feeling guilty
and i have barely spoken to gina
and it breaks my heart
because i really liked her
i really care about her
but i dont know what to do
she wont speak to me
she cried and made me feel like shit for being upset with her
and then hasnt fucking spoken to me
and it occurred to me
that probably the reason i have stopped going online
is because i have stopped trying with gina
she was the only reason i kept going online
i fucking hate skype
i hate skype calls
i hate sitting around doing fucking nothing
not even really talking
and not being able to do anything else like everyone else in the call because i have a shitty expensive mic that picks up fucking everything and makes it 4000000000)% too loud
I hate it
but i would go online to speak to her
i would try
even though they make me feel sick a lot of the times
and i would much rather not
and now
since she doesn't speak to me
there doesn't seem to be much point
and here I am
not online
for maybe the 9th day in a row
I miss my friends
and would gladly talk to them via text
or even a short skype call
but this whole deal where you're jusr expected to stay for the rest of the day
is maddening
like
no
i dont want to spend 5 hours doing nothing
i could spend that time doing other things that dont make me feel sick
yes
it is selfish
yes
i do suck
i am a pretty shitty friend
and i feel awful about it pretty much every second of the day

sammie out night yola xxx

wish me luck on not dieing

Fri, 02 Jan 2015 18:26:41 +0100

lately i havent wanted to talk to anyone.
i feel bad for it
i kinda wish someone would be like hey, sam, whats wrong?
and i wish i could then tell them
well, you see, if i dont find a job soon i'm going to run out of money
i'd tell them about how stressful moving out is proving to be
i'd tell them about how bad my depression is lately
or how the monsters in my head have been winning lately
and i dont know what to do
I wish someone cared
im so scared yola
and my head keeps on promising me there's such a simple way to make it all go away
and i've been good
im being strong
there are razors downstairs that all still have their blades
and i guess in reality thats not really an accomplishment at all
but to me
it's pretty damn amazing
but no one congratulates you on not mutilating yourself
which is strange
since they dont want me to
and when i do it leads to all sorts of commotions
but no one ever says welldone for suffering through the urges
for making myself not.
i dont know yola
im so fucking scared
and i feel so hopeless
like im trying really hard
and i dont know
i just want someone to reassure me or something
or to even ask whats wrong and actually want an answer

but until then
or until things get better
im just so tired of talking to people
they can just sit tight and fucking deal with it

fuck coming here and writing used to help. it does fuck all these days. got any more adivce?

Tue, 20 Jan 2015 22:11:10 +0100

so, fun fact
im not doing so well
but that stopped being a surprise like three years ago
now its just
whatever
but
see
it still always comes as a surprise to me
because i'll have like an okay day
or five minutes
or something
something for like a sec wont be as awful
and then that will pass
and it will go back to how it was before
and my brain will be like
OH
HOLY FUCK
WHAT IS THIS SWEET INJUSTICE I FEEL BEFORE ME
OH CRUEL FATE
OH MIGHTY WIELDER OF DESTINY
MIGHT YOU COME TO My DOMAIN
AND TAKE FROM ME
OH WOE IS ME
THAT THIS MIGHT BEFALL A POOR MAIDEN SUCH AS MYSELF
and so on
and you see
i never quite remember how i survived the last time i felt like this
because i never really do
or rather thats all i do
i survive
i dont live
and it sucks
and i dont really know what to do about it

what i do know is
is that i wish i knew
i wish i had someone i could turn to
and be all like
hey
so today i was on the brink of such a huge melt down that my brain decided a twenty minute walk in a howling gale and fucking strong rain was my only option.
turns out i was right
or at least
it helped
im sure it wasn't my only option
if driving rain was the source of my happiness west wales would be my utopia
but yes
i wish i could talk to someone
but i dont know who i can talk to
i dont really want to bother anyone
i just feel like it would help
i doubt it would actually help though
it would probably just make me cry
and i cry a lot
i never used to mind
i used to struggle like fuck to cry
and i still cant cry like loudly
i did once
when tinny died

you know i lie about her to people
like
because i love talking about her
but it makes people sad to hear about dead things
so i just lie
because i cant lie about having an alive mother
but you can lie about a horse
im only saying good things so it cant be wrong right?
i mean, shes as good as still alive, i see her just as much
one day i might stop feeling bad about that
but i doubt it
and i'll never stop hating my family a little bit for never having even the smallest amount of time to go see her.

but i cried so hard for her
i felt like i was dieing
i kind of wish i had
she was my best friend

but thats off point

im not well
and i dont know what to do about it
i feel like im falling apart
and i just
i dont know
because i've been feeling like it for years
and i dont know how i get it to stop
or how to live with it
i dont remember how i did it last time
or the time before that
or the time before that
i dont remember
i dont remember
and i wish i did
because i could use it
i wish depression was as easy as anxiety
deep breaths
count to ten
cry
have shaky hands for a few hours
cry some more
try the breathing thing again
wake up do it all over

becuase aty least thats something
at least i can try
depression there is nothing
like what?
what can i do against a chemical imbalance?
im fucking crazy
and i dont like doctors
and we're moving in like a month anyway
so whats the use?
like you know?

fuck it i dont even know i just
whatever
fucking goodnight